I've been married to an alcoholic for 20 years now. I left him the 5th year of our marriage with the understanding the only way I would come back was if he stopped drinking (9+ beers ever single night without exception), shortly before the divorce papers were filed he quit & I came back. We were seperated 2 months. Sadly enough our reunion did nothing but give me a STD, of which he will never admit to, but a part of me will never forgive him for & I will be suffering with the rest of my life.
After 1 yr of being sober I was finally starting to let my guard down & went overnight to my parents home, during which he resumed drinking. He made all the usual excuses, I will only drink on weekends etc but now is right back to square one. He is a good man & I love him. He is however 14 yrs older than I am & the only thing worse than a drunk is an old drunk, he's 60 & I'm 45. My main complaint of his drinking is the irrational mood swings, gets angry easily. Plus everything revolves around the alcohol.
I went to Alanon 15 yrs ago & that might be what gave me the courage to leave him. A courage I haven't had since but think about every week. He is a good sweet man who loves me, he's a good provider, never missing work but the alcohol ruins everything. I keep hearing that alcoholism is a "deal breaker" in a marriage & I don't have to honor my marriage vows in this case. I really hate to hurt him by leaving him but after being raised by an alcoholic mother, I've lived with this over 40 years now & it is sooo old.
It seems like no one understands what I'm going through & that's why I'm here.
doxie said
Jan 13, 2006
Hi Free2bme,
Glad you are here, you came to the right place.
Only you know what is the "deal breaker" in your marriage. Take it to your Higher Power, whom I call God, and let it be there.
Let it go and let God handle it. He will give you the answers you are looking for.
I can imagine how hard this must be. (((((Freetobme)))))
Doxie
Diva said
Jan 13, 2006
I can tell you, dear one, we understand what you are going through. This awful disease affect us in so many negative ways. Keep coming back here; we are all here to support you. And please attend f2f meetings of AlAnon close to you.
Very best of good wishes, Diva
twinmom2 said
Jan 13, 2006
Hi Free,
You are in the right place to gain strength and knowledge about this disease and yourself. That courage you spoke of is still inside you, when I began focusing on myself instead of the "a" I began to see the parts of me that I really liked about myself and actually missed start coming through again. Its a process that does not happen overnight, I have to continually work on it and reel myself in when I feel I have invested too much wasted energy arguing or bargaining with the "a". I remember that I am arguing with someone who is not in a rational state of mind and even when he is sober he sees the world through eyes of someone who is ill and trying to cope with the pain of his life. Hang in there and keep coming back.
Hugs,
Twinmom~
free2bme said
Jan 13, 2006
twinmom2 wrote: when I began focusing on myself instead of the "a" I began to see the parts of me that I really liked about myself and actually missed start coming through again. Twinmom~
This is what I forgot from my Alanon meetings 10 yrs ago, this is what gave me strength to do what I felt I had to do. I've stopped existing again & have just become a shadow of my dh disease.
Jerry F said
Jan 13, 2006
Aloha Free and welcome back. (long time in between meetings huh?) This is the place where you are understood because its membership has or is walking the same path you are. Al Anon has worked for countless of millions of people whose lives have been tragically affected by someone elses drinking. So take the chair we have been saving for you and sit down and listen and learn. We do not give advise and will make suggestions and you know that you are "Free to take what you like and leave the rest." This is a program of choices and not reactions and you are most welcomed in it.
Get to as many outside meetings as you can over the next 90 days and let the love in the rooms nurture you until you can start nurturing yourself.
Keep coming back ((((hugs))))
free2bme said
Jan 13, 2006
JUST LIKE COMIN HOME AGAIN.....THX!
lin0606 said
Jan 13, 2006
Most of the people who say addictions are a 'deal breaker' have never lived with them.
Only YOU know what is too much for you. Maybe applying alanon tools and working the program will make it possible for you to live reasonably happily with your husband. Maybe doing this will show you that you really don't want to be married to him anymore, and will give you the strength to leave. I certainly don't know which, and you probably don't either, just now. I DO know, though, that this program can help your life get better - welcome.
I've been married to an alcoholic for 20 years now. I left him the 5th year of our marriage with the understanding the only way I would come back was if he stopped drinking (9+ beers ever single night without exception), shortly before the divorce papers were filed he quit & I came back. We were seperated 2 months. Sadly enough our reunion did nothing but give me a STD, of which he will never admit to, but a part of me will never forgive him for & I will be suffering with the rest of my life.
After 1 yr of being sober I was finally starting to let my guard down & went overnight to my parents home, during which he resumed drinking. He made all the usual excuses, I will only drink on weekends etc but now is right back to square one. He is a good man & I love him. He is however 14 yrs older than I am & the only thing worse than a drunk is an old drunk, he's 60 & I'm 45. My main complaint of his drinking is the irrational mood swings, gets angry easily. Plus everything revolves around the alcohol.
I went to Alanon 15 yrs ago & that might be what gave me the courage to leave him. A courage I haven't had since but think about every week. He is a good sweet man who loves me, he's a good provider, never missing work but the alcohol ruins everything. I keep hearing that alcoholism is a "deal breaker" in a marriage & I don't have to honor my marriage vows in this case. I really hate to hurt him by leaving him but after being raised by an alcoholic mother, I've lived with this over 40 years now & it is sooo old.
It seems like no one understands what I'm going through & that's why I'm here.
Hi Free2bme,
Glad you are here, you came to the right place.
Only you know what is the "deal breaker" in your marriage. Take it to your Higher Power, whom I call God, and let it be there.
Let it go and let God handle it. He will give you the answers you are looking for.
I can imagine how hard this must be. (((((Freetobme)))))
Doxie
Hi Free,
You are in the right place to gain strength and knowledge about this disease and yourself. That courage you spoke of is still inside you, when I began focusing on myself instead of the "a" I began to see the parts of me that I really liked about myself and actually missed start coming through again. Its a process that does not happen overnight, I have to continually work on it and reel myself in when I feel I have invested too much wasted energy arguing or bargaining with the "a". I remember that I am arguing with someone who is not in a rational state of mind and even when he is sober he sees the world through eyes of someone who is ill and trying to cope with the pain of his life. Hang in there and keep coming back.
Hugs,
Twinmom~
This is what I forgot from my Alanon meetings 10 yrs ago, this is what gave me strength to do what I felt I had to do. I've stopped existing again & have just become a shadow of my dh disease.
Aloha Free and welcome back. (long time in between meetings huh?) This is the place where you are understood because its membership has or is walking the same path you are. Al Anon has worked for countless of millions of people whose lives have been tragically affected by someone elses drinking. So take the chair we have been saving for you and sit down and listen and learn. We do not give advise and will make suggestions and you know that you are "Free to take what you like and leave the rest." This is a program of choices and not reactions and you are most welcomed in it.
Get to as many outside meetings as you can over the next 90 days and let the love in the rooms nurture you until you can start nurturing yourself.
Keep coming back ((((hugs))))
JUST LIKE COMIN HOME AGAIN.....THX!