Wow, do I need some serious training on how to "detatch with love."  I have NO idea. 

My divorce might be final very soon. 

My husband often calls me and our daughter, too, while high.  He claims he is clean.  I don't want to "call him" on it anymore, and I don't want to be available for listening to his b.s.  His using has destroyed our lives and I am trying to rebuild.  Lately, my approach has been simply to avoid all his calls and not to answer his emails.

The other side of it is, I am still fantasizing about him getting clean again and he and I being together.  I am packing everything in our home to sell it and I will be moving to another state when that happens.  I have found SO MANY mementos from when our life was quite lovely.  The pain is so bad.

As I've posted before, I also am in recovery and I KNOW what it takes to get recovery from drugs and alcohol.  I know NOTHING about getting any recovery from co-dependance, from loving an addict / alcoholic, and from having my daily life and emotional state absolutely jerked around by what he does or doesn't say or do.

Plus, we have been living in a non stop deluge for almost a whole month, and that could drag even a cheery person into the depths, as I see every day by looking at the faces of my depressed fellow townspeople.

HELP!  

-- Edited by phoebemoonpie at 22:54, 2006-01-12

(((((phoebemoonpie)))))

Hang in there.

You came to the right place.

I don't have much advice as I am just starting this process also, but people with more knowledge will be here.

Doxie

phoebemoonpie,

I recently read in non CAL Codependent No More that while it is always preferable to detach with love, when that is not possible, it's better to just detach with out love. 

I could really relate to your situation, from how the A acts to the pain of the divorce being almost final.  I'm having some of the same feelings and I'm feeling like I'm at the crossroads and may be ready to file soon. 

This book is helping me learn more about my codependency and giving me some ways to deal with it. 

Bob

Hi (((Phoebemoonpie)))

I'm having a hard time with detaching with love too. Some days are better than others, I keep on practicing. Even the worst days in practicing are better than the best days not practicing for me.

I wish you all the peace and happiness you can find during this difficult time. You'll be in my prayers. Keep coming back.

Jennifer

Thanks, you guys.  You are a very kind and generous group.

Aloha Phoebemoonpie I can't help but love that name. Isn't detatchment a real work of art?  To be able to have others be a part of my life without negatively affecting my life.  I get to choose in detatchment from what it is I don't want there.  Not everyone in my life is so "all" screwed up that I order a "lock out."  "Take what you like and leave the rest" worked on both sides of my marriage with the alcoholic.  There were times when in my highest sense of self esteem, others, including my alcoholic wanted me gone and this included the dog from time to time.

I got mixed up with detachment and love when my sponsors  had me in "recovery" class.  They told me in detachment, "don't react!!" to what the alcoholic and others are doing that don't meet my rules and expectations.  On the other hand they taught me that LOVE is, "the complete and total acceptance of the alcoholic (anyone) for exactly who they are, the good, the bad and the ugly.  I get to accept the fact of the disease without trying to fix it or anyone in or around it.  They get to have their choices and consequences.

When the alcoholic seemed to be needing correction?  I learned to tell her to call her sponsor and/or say, "I don't know what the solution is.  Try someone else.

When I detached...she eventually got into recovery.  I got what I wanted by not doing what I was doing.  Go Figure!!

I was taught that if the other person (alcoholic) had the time, ability and facility to take care of their needs and I stepped into to take over?  that was enabling and the consequence was things would get worse. 

If the other person or alcoholic lacks any one of the three things, time,ability and facility...AND...ask me for help then I can choose to help. 

This was one of the many things I learned in detachment from the disease of alcoholism and loving the alcoholic.

Big miracle like stuff comes from this program.  

Just a side note, also from early recovery.  It happens to be one of my favorite slogans. "When in doubt...DON'T!!"  This one is connected to patience and wisdom.

May you feel the caress of your higher power when you're needing a hug.  

 

Keep coming back ((((Hugs)))) 

Thank you, Jerry.

Part of my own dilemma comes from the terrible past my husband and I shared.  We were both addicts "practicing" (not that either of us needed any practice) together.  We went to the depths and my only way out was to shut HIM out.  I had no choice, I could not get clean around him, using.  Well, I got almost 3 years clean and sober, without him in my life, before he came along with me in sobriety.  Then we had our good years - close to 10 of them.  I don't want them to be over.

I am not scared I'll use by being around using, but I simply CANNOT.  My hatred of that life and my love of living clean and sober are too strong.  I feel gratitude every day (well, I did - honestly, my gratitude is kind of faulty these days, and I'm not happy to be alive) that I got to escape the HELL I had created by living a life with parameters formed by the rules of addiction.  On the other side of it, I UNDERSTAND and I hate to abandon him.  And of course I'm deeply into "wishing and hoping he'll change."  And he lies a lot.

Woe is me.

 

Maybe give yourself some credit. You are doing some hard stuff - it's OK not to be perfect at it all right away. Actions speak louder than fantasies - you are DOING what you feel is best for you. The fact that sometimes you pretend in your head that life is different does not take that away. One of the nice things about being an alanon, rather than an AA or NA, is that our slips are not so life threatening. If you can keep yourself clean and sober, and meanwhile work your alanon program with baby steps if necessary, you are doing a great thing, and shoud be proud of yourself.