In my attempt to remain focused on my own issues, I’ve been thinking about feelings that have crept up on me since his alcoholism has reared its ugly head again.
I understand that I’m worrisome about things I cannot control and I’m insecure. I think these things have led to poor choices in my life, desperate type behavior, and crazy-making worry that can be unfounded yet create panic attacks.
The other day, I actually had a little panic episode when I was stressed over getting a party organized for a relative. My A husband and my 15 yr old daughter were decorating and joined in together on being sarcastic towards me. Note: sometimes my A husband has sideways comments that are meant to be funny but aren’t funny to most normal people. I consider this awkward difficulty of his to say the “right” thing with people in public and with me in private as a “by-product” of his childhood with alcoholic parents and how he lacks some social graces.
On this day, it seems she got on board with him in being a smart ass. I called both of them on it and told them I didn’t like being disrespected. It sucked to have to spoil the mood right before the party, but I had to say something.
In addition, my cute 15 yr old daughter (in size 0 jeans) was hanging on him a lot that day. She has admitted to me that she thinks he’s cute. He is her stepfather. Now logically speaking, their relationship is innocent and healthy. He’s a good dad to her and nothing has occurred that warrants my dark concern. But for reasons unknown (those weird feelings that sometimes aren’t logical), my insecurities when it comes to my husband and me and my daughter are creeping in.
He and I rarely have time alone and she seems so involved in everything we do. My husband and I recently started a buddy “workout” program together. At night and on weekends, we go to my employer’s workout room and work-out for awhile alone. She acted really disappointed and tried to guilt trip me when I told her that she couldn’t join us and it’s time for only him and me (besides, I’m the one that needs to lose 15 pounds, not her).
I have to wonder if these feelings are normal at all. It isn’t easy being a woman pushing 40, having a teen in the house who gets a lot of attention from everyone because she’s beautiful and skinny. My family (sisters, aunts, etc) are constantly calling her beautiful and that her body is amazing. My husband says that I should let her have her time in the sun. Well, do other women feel this way or is it just me and those nasty insecurities?
I suppose if I were secure, I wouldn’t be asking this.
twinmom2 said
Jan 11, 2006
Hi Jule,
I think you bring up valid points in living with active alcoholism and how it impacts the family. Often I have felt my own insecurities about my relationship with my "a" because he would go out with his friends and I would stay home with the kids. I'm not as thin as I was when we first met and two children later, so naturally I feel insecure at times when he goes out without me and drinks. So far I have not seen or suspected another woman in his life. Sounds like you may be feeling "ganged" up on by your husband and your family who give your daughter praise for her beauty and slim physique. Society give extra kudos to the ultra thin and beautiful, which doesn't help the average woman who is a size 14. It sounds like you are doing positive things for your relationship like working out with your husband, I think it's fine to set that boundary for your daughter and to keep it a couple outing. Keep focusing on yourself and validating your efforts and feelings. Give yourself that extra nurturing and love that other's may not be giving to you for one reason or another. I feel the healthier I get, the better I feel about myself and my body. I'm not as insecure about the "a" finding someone else, because I know now that if that ever does happen, I can deal with it and move on.
Hugs to you,
Twinmom~
just me said
Jan 11, 2006
Jule,
I can totally understand your feelings and insecurities. I am 45 and no longer have the body I used to have. I was 12 when sexual abuse reared it's ugly head in my life. I thought I was "special" because my abuser paid so much attention to me and treated me like an adult. Little did I know he was priming me for his own dirty needs. Keep that young girl in check. He is not her dad and is her behavior appropriate? The way you describe her she is a prime target. I am not saying that your man would ever do anything. However the way society is now days, if you feel it in your gut...maybe you can speak to him or her about it? Good for you standing your ground about your alone time.
I always follow my intuitions.
Julia
maresie said
Jan 11, 2006
Jule: I am glad you bring up that topic because sometimes I felt incredibly uncomfortable being around teenagers who acting flirtatious around their father/step fathers. I think it can be difficult to tolerate being around and I don't think it is for me about wanting to be 15 again.
I think there are limits to behaviors and limits to how much to be out there with the father/daughter affection thing. As someone who grew up in an ACA environment I don't know what limits are. I do know that I had to work in a professional setting with a man who brought his adolescent daughter along and they flirted and were totally inappropriate in the setting we were in. She was nearly naked in some short mini skirt or mid driff bared and it was in a church around people who were/are disabled. They could flirt at home and be nearly naked at home but not in a social setting and I know if I felt awkward other people did too. I felt decidedly uncomfortable and no I do not think anything was going on between them but it was well awkward. This man undoubtedly came from a dysfunctional family and had really really worked a lot on overcoming a great deal of obstacles. Clearly being socially inappropriate wasn't one of them. I can be detached from it now but I do need places to go to work on how to deal with situations when people are socially inappropriate around me because I can locked into thinking its "all me".
I am glad that you bring up issues like this because I could catastrophize them and be labelling them as pathological. I think part of what this father/daughter did undoubtedly brought up issues for me from the past. And part of it was plain well socially inappropriate. Being socially appropriate is very important to me because I grew up in a family who were totally out of control. My boyfriend is often socially inappropriate, his mother is socially inappropriate and it hurts. I shy away from his mother now because she is rude, boundaryless and tremendously needy and I just don't have the emotional space to deal with it. I am not Mother Teresa after all.
I can understand your issue very very much of having issues setting limits with your daughter as clearly you are put in the place of having to do most of that work. I am glad that you are able to be here to learn ways to do that, ways to deal with your feelings about doing that and ways not to feel crazy about this stuff.
In my attempt to remain focused on my own issues, I’ve been thinking about feelings that have crept up on me since his alcoholism has reared its ugly head again.
I understand that I’m worrisome about things I cannot control and I’m insecure. I think these things have led to poor choices in my life, desperate type behavior, and crazy-making worry that can be unfounded yet create panic attacks.
The other day, I actually had a little panic episode when I was stressed over getting a party organized for a relative. My A husband and my 15 yr old daughter were decorating and joined in together on being sarcastic towards me. Note: sometimes my A husband has sideways comments that are meant to be funny but aren’t funny to most normal people. I consider this awkward difficulty of his to say the “right” thing with people in public and with me in private as a “by-product” of his childhood with alcoholic parents and how he lacks some social graces.
On this day, it seems she got on board with him in being a smart ass. I called both of them on it and told them I didn’t like being disrespected. It sucked to have to spoil the mood right before the party, but I had to say something.
In addition, my cute 15 yr old daughter (in size 0 jeans) was hanging on him a lot that day. She has admitted to me that she thinks he’s cute. He is her stepfather. Now logically speaking, their relationship is innocent and healthy. He’s a good dad to her and nothing has occurred that warrants my dark concern. But for reasons unknown (those weird feelings that sometimes aren’t logical), my insecurities when it comes to my husband and me and my daughter are creeping in.
He and I rarely have time alone and she seems so involved in everything we do. My husband and I recently started a buddy “workout” program together. At night and on weekends, we go to my employer’s workout room and work-out for awhile alone. She acted really disappointed and tried to guilt trip me when I told her that she couldn’t join us and it’s time for only him and me (besides, I’m the one that needs to lose 15 pounds, not her).
I have to wonder if these feelings are normal at all. It isn’t easy being a woman pushing 40, having a teen in the house who gets a lot of attention from everyone because she’s beautiful and skinny. My family (sisters, aunts, etc) are constantly calling her beautiful and that her body is amazing. My husband says that I should let her have her time in the sun. Well, do other women feel this way or is it just me and those nasty insecurities?
I suppose if I were secure, I wouldn’t be asking this.Hi Jule,
I think you bring up valid points in living with active alcoholism and how it impacts the family. Often I have felt my own insecurities about my relationship with my "a" because he would go out with his friends and I would stay home with the kids. I'm not as thin as I was when we first met and two children later, so naturally I feel insecure at times when he goes out without me and drinks. So far I have not seen or suspected another woman in his life. Sounds like you may be feeling "ganged" up on by your husband and your family who give your daughter praise for her beauty and slim physique. Society give extra kudos to the ultra thin and beautiful, which doesn't help the average woman who is a size 14. It sounds like you are doing positive things for your relationship like working out with your husband, I think it's fine to set that boundary for your daughter and to keep it a couple outing. Keep focusing on yourself and validating your efforts and feelings. Give yourself that extra nurturing and love that other's may not be giving to you for one reason or another. I feel the healthier I get, the better I feel about myself and my body. I'm not as insecure about the "a" finding someone else, because I know now that if that ever does happen, I can deal with it and move on.
Hugs to you,
Twinmom~
Jule,
I can totally understand your feelings and insecurities. I am 45 and no longer have the body I used to have. I was 12 when sexual abuse reared it's ugly head in my life. I thought I was "special" because my abuser paid so much attention to me and treated me like an adult. Little did I know he was priming me for his own dirty needs. Keep that young girl in check. He is not her dad and is her behavior appropriate? The way you describe her she is a prime target. I am not saying that your man would ever do anything. However the way society is now days, if you feel it in your gut...maybe you can speak to him or her about it? Good for you standing your ground about your alone time.
I always follow my intuitions.
Julia
Jule: I am glad you bring up that topic because sometimes I felt incredibly uncomfortable being around teenagers who acting flirtatious around their father/step fathers. I think it can be difficult to tolerate being around and I don't think it is for me about wanting to be 15 again.
I think there are limits to behaviors and limits to how much to be out there with the father/daughter affection thing. As someone who grew up in an ACA environment I don't know what limits are. I do know that I had to work in a professional setting with a man who brought his adolescent daughter along and they flirted and were totally inappropriate in the setting we were in. She was nearly naked in some short mini skirt or mid driff bared and it was in a church around people who were/are disabled. They could flirt at home and be nearly naked at home but not in a social setting and I know if I felt awkward other people did too. I felt decidedly uncomfortable and no I do not think anything was going on between them but it was well awkward. This man undoubtedly came from a dysfunctional family and had really really worked a lot on overcoming a great deal of obstacles. Clearly being socially inappropriate wasn't one of them. I can be detached from it now but I do need places to go to work on how to deal with situations when people are socially inappropriate around me because I can locked into thinking its "all me".
I am glad that you bring up issues like this because I could catastrophize them and be labelling them as pathological. I think part of what this father/daughter did undoubtedly brought up issues for me from the past. And part of it was plain well socially inappropriate. Being socially appropriate is very important to me because I grew up in a family who were totally out of control. My boyfriend is often socially inappropriate, his mother is socially inappropriate and it hurts. I shy away from his mother now because she is rude, boundaryless and tremendously needy and I just don't have the emotional space to deal with it. I am not Mother Teresa after all.
I can understand your issue very very much of having issues setting limits with your daughter as clearly you are put in the place of having to do most of that work. I am glad that you are able to be here to learn ways to do that, ways to deal with your feelings about doing that and ways not to feel crazy about this stuff.
Thank you for posting on this difficult subject.
Maresie