well i went to my third f2f last night and enjoyed it. there were more people then last time when there was only three of us. i shared and i was so nervous i actually shook lol. but what made me share was the fact that what i had to say could help someone else. i also bought a book called how alanon works and i cant wait to start it. my a made a new friend at his f2f as well. ive come across a slight dilemma. my a's mom is a pill addict and is now most likely having to start dialysis in the near future. my a is very upset because he wants her to get help. i try to tell him basic things i learn here in alanon like three c's etc but he thinks im just being mean about it. whatever, i told him this program may be beneficial to him one day as his dad is an alcoholic/drug addict and his mom an addict. so we discussed getting her to treatment and she said she'd go but i dont think so it just doesnt happen that easily from my experience. and my a is asking me if on my one day off i will take his mom to the center to make sure she doesnt lie about what shes there for. now to me that says right away if shes gonna lie she doesnt want to be there anyways and therefor a waste of time. another thing this is not my problem. i dont want to be selfesh but id rather not waste my day at that office when his mom will show up there bombed off pills anyways. i already have one addict and dont even want to get involved with her. i try to keep my distance even though she is my mom in law. i dont know if anyone can relate. i have no problem with letting her go and her addiction i can hand it all over to hp when it comes to her. and honestly i think her bottom will never come. i believe this is gonna kill her in the end. so i guess i just want any esh or suggestions about showing this program to my a in a nice way that wont make me come across like im preaching to him or not caring about his mom. also would like some suggestions about me taking his mom to the center. my a can not miss a day of work for this and hes aware of it and the center is only open business hours mon to fri so i could go. because i have thurs. off. i dont want to go this is not mine to tc off so how do i tell him in the right words??????? sorry this way so long im just kind of rambling

Ever hear that this is a program of attraction rather than promotion?  In other words we don't need to *sell* Al Anon to anyone.  Instead if they see the positive changes in us, and ask us how we've come to be where we are at.........then we can tell them Al Anon got us here.  They will be attracted to the program because of the positive effects they see it has on you.

Perhaps you could share with your husband how much and in what ways this program has helped you, then leave it up to him.

As for taking your mother in law to the Dr........you've already said you don't want to and you've given your reasons for not wanting to.  They all seem valid in my honest opinion.  You're right, this problem doesn't have your name on it.  I'm sure you feel bad to just flat out say no.  I've always struggled with that and find myself making up all kinds of excuses as to why I can't do something someone is wanting from me.  Try to remember......*no* is a complete sentence.  If your mother in law desires recovery for herself, then she will be at that appt regardless if you're the one taking her or not.

Do what's best for YOU.

i too believe if she wants recovery she will go whether or not im there with her or my a is. but what i am saying is how can i explain this to him in a way  i  wont hurt him. know what i mean?

Maybe you can word it so that it is according to YOUR recovery - "I have found that it is not good for me to get too involved with others' lives - I try to take over" or whatever would be true for you. Really, though, I wouldn't worry too much about it. He has to get used to the fact that he is not going like everything you do or say, and you can get used to the fact that you can do things that he doesn't approve of, and the world won't end. "I'm sorry we can't agree about this issue, but I need to do what I think is best."

well we have discussed it and my a will take her. it was supposed to be this thursday but suddenly his mom cant make it till monday...imagine that. lol. i can see where this is going im pretty sure and just told my a to be prepared, because she may not actually go. we'll see. ty for your replies. tc everyone.

(((notsonew))
Oh my -what a load you are trying to carry. Please take care of "you"
Lots of well wishes, Tracey

I have definitely had to let go of my boyfriend's mother and his brother both of whom are some kind of addicts. I am looking now at that my relationships have to be reciprocal. I was brought up to care for everyone but me.  I have my share of stress with the A even when I am incredibly boundaried being around him and his chaos is by nature stressful. I limit my exposure why would I choose to be exposed to still more. I limit a lot of my interactions these days.  And I set a tremendous amount of limits and boundaries around a lot of material. 

I am sad that your A's mother has such severe health issues at the same time I know I have to take care of me otherwise believe it or now I have severe health issues too. I had two life threatening illnesses in one year!  I am human after all not an angel, not someone who is boundaryless anymore.

Maresie.

PS I think attraction rather than promotion comes from actions. When we start taking care of ourselves people notice then they start imitating that and in turn start setting limits in their own life. Some people do it and some people don't. My own biological family is incredibly enmeshed and may always be that way. That doesn't mean I have to be enmeshed with them.

 

-- Edited by maresie at 22:41, 2006-01-11