This is my first time here. Both of my parents are alcoholics. Mom, dad, brother and sister #1 live near Phoenix; sister #2 and I live near Chicago. Mom is 80, dad is 83 and very, very ill.
Any time I try to talk to my 2 older sisters (I am the youngest of 4) about this, they will admit that our mother is an alcoholic but they are quite defensive of our father. Over the years I have asked my parents to stop drinking. That only results in them being angry with me (for a short time) so I accept it and just move on with my life. I know they have to want to get the help they need. My sisters will complain about the problem, but they get spitting mad at me when I ask them to do an intervention (last weekend sister #2 hung up the phone on me and now she won’t speak to me – classic denial?) Now sister #1, who is the primary care taker of the parents since sister#2 and I are 2,000 miles away, wants us to each come out and take a week to "baby sit" them so she can take a Hawaiian vacation because she "needs a break". Personally, I think she created the situation by enabling the behavior. We have a brother who lives 30 minutes away from my parents and sister#1, but my mother and sister have been so nasty to him (he is the oldest of the 4 of us) and his family that he decided that after 25 years enough was enough. If they want to talk to him, he'll talk but he will no longer make the effort. Now they blame him for the problems. Sister#2 gave big brother an ultimatim, "go see mom and dad or I'm through with you". Funny she doesn't say that to me and I haven't seen them in 3 years. I talk to my parents on the phone, but my mother talks bad about my siblings and I have to tell her flat out to knock it off. I don't know if my siblings stand up in my defense, I don't ask them.
I've always simply stated my point with the sisters (let's not bury our heads in the sand, alcoholism is the problem) and left everything at that. But now they seem to be making this a major issue. I told sister #1 “you handle their alcoholism your way and I’ll handle it mine, but let’s not fight about it.” She agreed so for now things are calm.
I guess I just need to ask, what do I say to the sisters that ignore the real problem, but complain about it anyway? They are very headstrong and I am prepared for them to stop talking to me like they did our brother (who I still talk to). I want to keep the peace in the family, but am prepared for the worst. I appreciate any thoughts or words of encouragement.
-- Edited by BettyJane at 11:39, 2006-01-10
just me said
Jan 10, 2006
BettyJane,
You are in the right place. I care for my mother who is not an A but an adult child of an A. I can so understand your sister's need for a break. However we learn here about the 3 c's. We did not cause it, cannot cure it and we cannot control it. Enabling is our part of the sickness. Your sister may have added to the problem by enabling but it is a coping mechanism. You can only control you and how you handle your recovery. My dad was an A and I enabled addicts most of my life. It takes work to change these learned behaviors. Especially when we grow up with the disease like u and I did.
Reading the literature and attending f2f meetings helped me the most.
Julia
BettyJane said
Jan 10, 2006
Thanks, justme, that really helped.
rosie light shines said
Jan 10, 2006
betty you did the BEST thing you could do for you by getting in here!!!! after time you will learn, as we all are learning, to DETACH from other peoples stuff and stick to your own........the 3 c's....i didn't CAUSE it........cannot CONTROL it.....cannot CURE it are good slogan to start with, makes it bearable for us......both my parents drank, but it was my mom who got hooked and became an alkie....it was awful.....of my 3 remaining brothers, ALL are alkies, and one adds drugs to that....than there are my sister and me and we used to abuse alcohol to numb our pain, but since have quit abusing it...she just became a workaholic....i became a 12stepper......the program is my drug of choice now....it works, if you work it.....glad U R here......when you get your feet into this, you will find a good sponser when you are ready, i sugesst going to the alanon meets here there are diferent times, i go the 8pm central time ones and they are great......i also got all the alanon approved literature i could get my hands on.......i am recovering ONE day at a time.......peace to you/ rosie
lildee said
Jan 10, 2006
Welcome BettyJane,
Glad you found us.
Just a few suggetions try going to a face to face (f2f) Alanon meeting. You can find them for your area on this website....
Once you are there get a temporary sponsor until you decide on someone permanent.
You will learn how to deal with the disease of alcoholism and its effects on everyone. For now just know that you didn't cause it, you can't control it, nor can you cure it. (These are the 3 C's of Alanon.)
Get a phone list and use it.
Do CAL (certified Alanon literature) readings Such as One Day at a Time and Courage to Change . (The literature is also listed on the above website.)
Your journey is just beginning.
Love & God Bless
lildee
BettyJane said
Jan 11, 2006
Rosie and Lildee, thanks for the suggestions. I will find a meeting. I agree that a f2f will do me the greatest good. Thanks again, love and God bless you!
Flora123 said
Jan 11, 2006
Dear Betty Jane,
Just want to say welcome to alanon - you have found the right place, agree with previous posts, face to face might be of great benefit to you.
Your parents sound like my late m-i-l who was an A - the manipulation, setting people in the family against one another, oh, and, there was also the "scapegoat" son, the one who got blamed for everything. It is so typical of this family disease.
Keep coming here, Betty Jane, read the literature, and try to get to f2f, these things have helped thousands of people, including me, to understand just what was going on - how this madness affects us all.
This is a safe place, to vent, listen and share your feelings.
Welcome,
Lots of love,
Flora
xxxx
This is my first time here. Both of my parents are alcoholics. Mom, dad, brother and sister #1 live near Phoenix; sister #2 and I live near Chicago. Mom is 80, dad is 83 and very, very ill.
Any time I try to talk to my 2 older sisters (I am the youngest of 4) about this, they will admit that our mother is an alcoholic but they are quite defensive of our father. Over the years I have asked my parents to stop drinking. That only results in them being angry with me (for a short time) so I accept it and just move on with my life. I know they have to want to get the help they need. My sisters will complain about the problem, but they get spitting mad at me when I ask them to do an intervention (last weekend sister #2 hung up the phone on me and now she won’t speak to me – classic denial?) Now sister #1, who is the primary care taker of the parents since sister#2 and I are 2,000 miles away, wants us to each come out and take a week to "baby sit" them so she can take a Hawaiian vacation because she "needs a break". Personally, I think she created the situation by enabling the behavior. We have a brother who lives 30 minutes away from my parents and sister#1, but my mother and sister have been so nasty to him (he is the oldest of the 4 of us) and his family that he decided that after 25 years enough was enough. If they want to talk to him, he'll talk but he will no longer make the effort. Now they blame him for the problems. Sister#2 gave big brother an ultimatim, "go see mom and dad or I'm through with you". Funny she doesn't say that to me and I haven't seen them in 3 years. I talk to my parents on the phone, but my mother talks bad about my siblings and I have to tell her flat out to knock it off. I don't know if my siblings stand up in my defense, I don't ask them.
I've always simply stated my point with the sisters (let's not bury our heads in the sand, alcoholism is the problem) and left everything at that. But now they seem to be making this a major issue. I told sister #1 “you handle their alcoholism your way and I’ll handle it mine, but let’s not fight about it.” She agreed so for now things are calm.
I guess I just need to ask, what do I say to the sisters that ignore the real problem, but complain about it anyway? They are very headstrong and I am prepared for them to stop talking to me like they did our brother (who I still talk to). I want to keep the peace in the family, but am prepared for the worst. I appreciate any thoughts or words of encouragement.
-- Edited by BettyJane at 11:39, 2006-01-10
BettyJane,
You are in the right place. I care for my mother who is not an A but an adult child of an A. I can so understand your sister's need for a break. However we learn here about the 3 c's. We did not cause it, cannot cure it and we cannot control it. Enabling is our part of the sickness. Your sister may have added to the problem by enabling but it is a coping mechanism. You can only control you and how you handle your recovery. My dad was an A and I enabled addicts most of my life. It takes work to change these learned behaviors. Especially when we grow up with the disease like u and I did.
Reading the literature and attending f2f meetings helped me the most.
Julia
Welcome BettyJane,
Glad you found us.
Just a few suggetions try going to a face to face (f2f) Alanon meeting. You can find them for your area on this website....
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html
This is the official site.
Once you are there get a temporary sponsor until you decide on someone permanent.
You will learn how to deal with the disease of alcoholism and its effects on everyone. For now just know that you didn't cause it, you can't control it, nor can you cure it. (These are the 3 C's of Alanon.)
Get a phone list and use it.
Do CAL (certified Alanon literature) readings Such as One Day at a Time and Courage to Change . (The literature is also listed on the above website.)
Your journey is just beginning.
Love & God Bless
lildee