Hello all!

I recently read a post about the negativity dominating this board.  I am new to the board and have been reading everyday and sometimes responding to posts.  I have to agree with the earlier posting in that there does seem to be a lot of sadness on the board.  It made me wonder how I would fit in here because I am no longer in the place of living with an active alcoholic, but what I am discovering is that even though he is not active those behaviors that led him to the drugs are still there inside of him and they still show their ugly heads every now and then.  He is working really hard on learning new ways to deal with them and I am seeing more and more proof everyday that I have screwed up behaviors that didn't just disappear once he quit using.  I too need to learn how better to cope with my fears and worries which seem to be my predominant character defect at the moment. 

I did not discover al anon when my husband was active in his drug use.  I wish I had.  So for those who are still there I commend you for reaching out for help.  I was too afraid.  I understand the need to vent and the little bit of relief that comes from it.  

For me, right now, I would love to hear from some very action oriented people.  The daily reading for today in One DAy at A Time was so appropriate for me because I have been struggling with this idea of do I really need to go to al anon.  It said that most of us in the beginning of al anon come to "get" - not to give or share.  Now, it says what we want to *get* is sobriety for our A, but I know for me what I want to get is advice, understanding, a feeling of belonging, and ultimately a sense of overall well being and peace with myself.   My sponsor sent me something that made another good point "we did not come here by accident".  When I have asked over and over again "do you think I need to go to al anon?"  I was told "most people don't lie awake at night wondering if there is something wrong with them and do they need to go to al anon"???!!  I know I need it.  I know I feel better when I leave a meeting.  I know it makes me think about things i a different more productive way.  This is enough for me to keep coming back! I tend to overthing EVERYTHING  and end up just confused.  I am trying to keep it simple, but honestly it's really not that easy for me.  I analyze the situation to death.  I make myself crazy along with those around me.  Sometimes things just ARE,  right? 

Anyway, I did have a question.  I know the title of the topic is stolen directly from the book Beyond Codependency, but that is what is on my mind.  I know I'm codependent.  Now what.  What I am reading seems to just describe what it is and then there doesn't seem to be much out there that helps you go beyond that point.  Maybe the answer is right in front of me and I am missing it.  I am just beginning to work the steps so maybe alot will be revealed there.  Is this right?  From you old timers what is your take on living life after the active drinking/drugging is over??  Wait, I'm supposed to focus on me........oops I did it again!  It doesn't have anything to do with the A, right?  And here I go again talking to myself trying to figure it out.  Ugh!!  I have a long way to go.  Thanks for letting me talk.  This helps me get out of my head.

LaP,

Michelle  

Hi Michelle,

Alanon is about you, and it doesn't matter if the qualifier is active or not or in your life or not.

Codependancy issues are not about your A, they are about you. If we don't break teh cycle we will continue to be codependant with anyone who can accomodate us.

I have found the book "Codependant No More" by Melody Beattie to be really great. Not just on dealing with an A, but with children, friends co-workers etc.

While working the steps you can learn so much about yourself and you can find a big change, not just in how you deal with your Addict/Alcoholic, but with life in general.

                           Love Jeannie

Welcome SAS, I'm reading Codie No More now too. Alanon brought me to the realization that I was a Codie. I know there is a Codependants Anon group which I haven't looked at. Between what I hear at meetings, from the fact that Alanon made me realize that I was probably codie, and when I read how much that book mentions Alanon and 12 Steps programs. One of the things she mentions in the book to 'do' is to find a 12 step program to help work through your codie issues, which is what I'll continue to do. Also, what I plan to do is read the book again and work those questions at the end of the chapter, much like doing step work. As for the negativity of the board. There is alot of sadness, but there is also so much stenght and hope in the experiences we find here in Alanon. You don't have to have an active A, just been affected by someone else's drinking / addiction. Welcome and I hope it helps you as much as I find it helping me. Bob

I agree with Jeannie--"Codependent No More" is a good book. I have read it and done some of the work in it.  I also found a Twleve Step book for Codependents.  I am working in that as well.

My therapist tells me that fixing problems for other people is my "crack".  While that sounds bad I guess it is true.  I hate for anyone to be upset, have hurt feelings, etc.  I so have to come to grips with "all I need to do is my own work".  I can't fix everything for everybody else.  I know when I get that down and really get that into my daily living I will be so much better off.  I myself will be happier and will be a better person!!

Good luck.

Dawn

Kinda makes sense to me.  You also hear alot of times we are addicted to our A's.

Also when you have someone your trying to fix and/or rescue and you can't, cause lets face it, we can't cure an addiction.  Then we act like someone not getting their fix and do all kinds of irrational things.

Bob

SAS_____I recently read a post about the negativity dominating this board.  I am new to the board and have been reading everyday and sometimes responding to posts.  I have to agree with the earlier posting in that there does seem to be a lot of sadness on the board.

 

rosie_____ i for one,  when i post, yes, i share my sadness/ AND my  "what i am doing about it" on my posts.....i am here becuz i need HELP.....and for me???   this is the ONLY safe place i CAN go to discharge my feelings,  my experiences and my  ups and downs....yes, there is a lot of pain here,  and there are the  posts that offer lots of good esh  (experience/strength/hope).......

 

for a lot of us???   this is are only haven for working through our pain.....for me???  i know i cannot get through my pain until i walk THROUGH it....there are no shortcuts to recovery and it DOES involve pain....the deeper the pain, the deeper the recovery....some of us here,  i for one,  were horribly abused as a result of the  drunks and druggies in our lives and this is our lifeline.....

 

yes, there is sadness,   but  negativity???  the only negativity i would think of is when a soul does NOT share their feelings....for me?? this is all positive becuz  i and my recovery mates are HERE....WORKING the program....DEALING with the feelings.....working THROUGH the pain/ grief/ anger etc.......whats negative is living in hell and having no place to turn to, and noone to talk with,  and not having this great place to share on .......

i am here becuz i need help....if i wasn't in pain?? i would be out playing tennis, doing other stuff that being here,  discharging my pain...... take what you like and leave the rest....rosie

hello sas,

You said the following

What I am reading seems to just describe what it is and then there doesn't seem to be much out there that helps you go beyond that point.  Maybe the answer is right in front of me and I am missing it.  I am just beginning to work the steps so maybe alot will be revealed there.  Is this right?  From you old timers what is your take on living life after the active drinking/drugging is over?? 

Maybe the answer is right in front of me? It very well may be. You mentioned that you are just starting your step work and if you work those Steps honestly and to the best of your ability a great deal will be revealed to you. What your part in all of it was/is . And then you can pass this on to others (Step 12). We learn by sharing, and grow by doing. That is the beauty of this program. Twelve simple little Steps to change your life around. Life is about choices, and the Program has given me some of the best tools to make those choices. None of us has a manual how to live or how to act, but this Program comes close.

 

After the active drinking/drugging there is life !!! For me the ultimate goal of this program was to clean up my act and inject some spirituality into it. That aspect of the Program will always remain with me. Something I try to pass along with all my sponcees.

As to not finding anything out there may I suggest the following book:-

Beyond the Twelve Steps - a roadmap to a new life

written by lynn grabhorn

published by Hampton Roads

 

Good luck on your journey.

Love & God Bless

lildee

 

 

 

 

I want to thank you all SOOOOO much.  After re-reading my post it sounds terrible.  It sound like I am putting down this board and I am truly not doing so.  Thank you lildee for the book suggestion.  I am coming to a realization that it is NOT that there isn't help out there it is that I am not accepting it!  For all of your honest replies I thank you.  It has put me in a position to exercise some of what I am learning.....Humility.Michelle 

i love this board. when im upset i come here and vent it all out, whatever it is. i send it out into cyber space and let it go. and the replies are something extra. it is our choice if a post is negative whether or not we want to read it. i read every single one of them as it shows me i am not alone and i can pick up helpful suggestions of ways to better myself too. i love all posts on here the good and the bad, it all helps me so much. so keep on posting everyone