Hope you are all well...I am a bit disappointed with a friend of mine..she and I met in F2F al-anon meetings..and tnite we were on the phone..She has asked me how things were going with this man I have been seeing. I trusted in her as a friend and she put me down for expressing myself about my relationship with him. When I first met him, he had just gone thru a nasty divorce, has 4 step kids who are very disrespectful, plus he abuses alcohol... He and I have had many long discussions and I feel that over the weekend he is making progress as he is seeing his faults and how the drinking has affected him and talked about getting some help rather it be counseling or just talking to someone he trusts.
I told this friend that I understood why he was not able to have a loving, healthy relationship with me and that he is not mentally stable to persue this until he takes care of himself. She exploded when I told her of this...and said that I was mean and it was wrong of me to say this to him..I am not an enabler anymore, nor copdependent no more and take care of myself..I feel tough love is a great tool to use with someone we care about.
I have been in recovery from codependence and have learned over the past 5 years to express myself as that is a way of healing for me...Yet I was put down tnite because of it...
I am not asking for advice as far as what to do next, cuz I have set a boundary with her and told her she has a right to her opinion and so do I .. I will not cover up nor enable anyone's behavior and they must take responsiblity for their own actions..
Any feedback would be helpful ..thanks
God bless
Diane
KathyS said
Jan 9, 2006
As you said.........you've been working on your recovery for 5 years now. If you're comfortable with the position you took with this man than that is all that matters. You don't need anyone elses approval for your actions to be right for you, and you don't need anyone else to agree that you did the right thing. All that matters is that YOU are comfortable with yourself.
I have always struggled with this. I've always needed others approval of my actions or thoughts in order to feel they were correct. Then I heard it said in the program.........Others opinions of me do not dictate who I am. That helped me so much. It helped me learn not to place too much importance on how others view me or my choices.
Your friends opinions on what you feel are just that, her opinions. They aren't right or wrong.......they just belong to her. You don't have to own them.
I think you did a good job of taking care of you.
bobump said
Jan 10, 2006
Sounds like you said what you meant, meant what you said, and you didn't say it mean.
Also your reaction to your friend seems great too. Disappointed. It's not what you would have liked or expected but you didn't seem to let it foul your mood or your view of your actions.
Curious, what recovery did you choose for your codepenency. Was it alanon or something different. I see there is CODA. For now, I don't have time or energy to try to work multiple programs, and it seems that so many alanoners traits are also codie traits that I hope that alanon will get me through this. Heck it was through the Alanon fellowship that I even came to realize and accept my codependency.
Bob
greeneyedgirl said
Jan 10, 2006
Hi Diane,
It sounds like you may have been pushing one of your friends "buttons", unknowingly. One therapist I've seen in the past would tell me "hysterical is historical". You did a great job with taking care of yourself, keeping a boundary and respecting yourself and your friend in the process.
Donna
Diane43 said
Jan 10, 2006
Hi Bobump,
Happy Birthday...hope you had a great day!...I did my copendency classes through a mental health services..it was very good for me to do and I learned so much about me and that I no longer have to be a doormat, can say no without feeling guilty and not accepting unacceptable behavior.
I never really knew who I was until I went through the class...I have so learned so much about me and keep learning from Al anon meetings, literature and readings.
You take care and have a great nite!
In recovery, Diane
Diane43 said
Jan 10, 2006
Thanks everyone for your support..I know I have made progress and I will not change what I believe in or what I feel is right for me..Thanks again ..you guys are great on this board!
Hi everyone,
Hope you are all well...I am a bit disappointed with a friend of mine..she and I met in F2F al-anon meetings..and tnite we were on the phone..She has asked me how things were going with this man I have been seeing. I trusted in her as a friend and she put me down for expressing myself about my relationship with him. When I first met him, he had just gone thru a nasty divorce, has 4 step kids who are very disrespectful, plus he abuses alcohol... He and I have had many long discussions and I feel that over the weekend he is making progress as he is seeing his faults and how the drinking has affected him and talked about getting some help rather it be counseling or just talking to someone he trusts.
I told this friend that I understood why he was not able to have a loving, healthy relationship with me and that he is not mentally stable to persue this until he takes care of himself. She exploded when I told her of this...and said that I was mean and it was wrong of me to say this to him..I am not an enabler anymore, nor copdependent no more and take care of myself..I feel tough love is a great tool to use with someone we care about.
I have been in recovery from codependence and have learned over the past 5 years to express myself as that is a way of healing for me...Yet I was put down tnite because of it...
I am not asking for advice as far as what to do next, cuz I have set a boundary with her and told her she has a right to her opinion and so do I .. I will not cover up nor enable anyone's behavior and they must take responsiblity for their own actions..
Any feedback would be helpful ..thanks
God bless
Diane
As you said.........you've been working on your recovery for 5 years now. If you're comfortable with the position you took with this man than that is all that matters. You don't need anyone elses approval for your actions to be right for you, and you don't need anyone else to agree that you did the right thing. All that matters is that YOU are comfortable with yourself.
I have always struggled with this. I've always needed others approval of my actions or thoughts in order to feel they were correct. Then I heard it said in the program.........Others opinions of me do not dictate who I am. That helped me so much. It helped me learn not to place too much importance on how others view me or my choices.
Your friends opinions on what you feel are just that, her opinions. They aren't right or wrong.......they just belong to her. You don't have to own them.
I think you did a good job of taking care of you.
Sounds like you said what you meant, meant what you said, and you didn't say it mean.
Also your reaction to your friend seems great too. Disappointed. It's not what you would have liked or expected but you didn't seem to let it foul your mood or your view of your actions.
Curious, what recovery did you choose for your codepenency. Was it alanon or something different. I see there is CODA. For now, I don't have time or energy to try to work multiple programs, and it seems that so many alanoners traits are also codie traits that I hope that alanon will get me through this. Heck it was through the Alanon fellowship that I even came to realize and accept my codependency.
Bob
Hi Bobump,
Happy Birthday...hope you had a great day!...I did my copendency classes through a mental health services..it was very good for me to do and I learned so much about me and that I no longer have to be a doormat, can say no without feeling guilty and not accepting unacceptable behavior.
I never really knew who I was until I went through the class...I have so learned so much about me and keep learning from Al anon meetings, literature and readings.
You take care and have a great nite!
In recovery, Diane
Thanks everyone for your support..I know I have made progress and I will not change what I believe in or what I feel is right for me..Thanks again ..you guys are great on this board!
God bless
Diane