Learn the art of acceptance. It's a lot of grief. --Codependent No More Sometimes, as part of taking care of ourselves, it becomes time to end certain relationships. Sometimes, it comes time to change the parameters of a particular relationship. This is true in love, in friendships, with family, and on the job. Endings and changes in relationships are not easy. But often, they are necessary. Sometimes, we linger in relationships that are dead, out of fear of being alone or to postpone the inevitable grieving process that accompanies endings. Sometimes, we need to linger for a while, to prepare ourselves, to get strong and ready enough to handle the change. If that is what we are doing, we can be gentle with ourselves. It is better to wait until that moment when it feels solid, clear, and consistent to act. We will know. We will know. We can trust ourselves. Knowing that a relationship is changing or is about to end is a difficult place to be in, especially when it is not yet time to act but we know the time is drawing near. It can be awkward and uncomfortable, as the lesson draws to a close. We may become impatient to put closure on it, but not yet feel empowered to do that. That's okay. The time is not yet right. Something important is still happening. When the time is right, we can trust that it will happen. We will receive the power and the ability to do what we need to do. Ending relationships or changing the boundaries of a particular relationship is not easy. It requires courage and faith. It requires a willingness on our part to take care of ourselves and, sometimes, to stand-alone for a while. Let go of fear. Understand that change is an important part of recovery. Love yourself enough to do what you need to do to take care of yourself, and find enough confidence to believe that you will love again. We are never starting over. In recovery, we are moving forward in a perfectly planned progression of lessons. We will find ourselves with certain people - in love, family, friendships, and work - when we need to be with them. When the lesson has been mastered, we will move on. We will find ourselves in a new place, learning new lessons, with new people. No, the lessons are not all painful. We will arrive at that place where we can learn, not from pain, but from joy and love. Our needs will get met. Today, I will accept where I am in my relationships, even if that place is awkward and uncomfortable. If I am in the midst of endings, I will face and accept my grief. God, help me trust that the path I am on has been perfectly and lovingly planned for me. Help me believe that my relationships are teaching me important lessons. Help me accept and be grateful for middles, endings, and new beginnings.
maresie said
Jan 9, 2006
thank you for this reflection. I am definitely in the place of ending being so enmeshed where ever that will bring me I don't know. I am committed to it though because being so enmeshed is so harmful to me and I am no longer willing to take it.
Maresie.
bobump said
Jan 9, 2006
Funny, I just read this chapter yesterday. I haven't done any more reading today. By coming here and reading it again, I think HP is trying to tell my I need this reinforced. LOL
Thanks for sharing,
Bob
UncleLou said
Jan 9, 2006
Right now my head spins when I read crap like this. I just spent the last year and half going through a divorce that didn't feel right, didn't want, tried to stop, and couldn't do anything about. Now my ex says she made a mistake and wants to see if we can try working things out.
I just don't get it
Lou
angelinme908 said
Jan 9, 2006
I just posted over on ACOA about my feelings right now. I then came over here and read this reflections. I guess my HP also led me here. I am in the midst of endings - a break up last month - moving at the end of the month (don't know where yet) - roommate is moving out of town. All of this has me turned upside down and I am feeling sad and lonely. I hate endings so much.
I have been tempted over the last week to contact my ex and say I miss her. I do but since she ended the relationship, I don't feel it is my place to call. I so want to though.
I hate being in the state of transition - there's nothing to hold onto and so few to turn to. My HP is here but I yearn for the flesh and blood of a person. Someone I can hold a conversation with. Someone to hug. Someone nearby. This is so hard - it's just so hard.
--Codependent No More
Sometimes, as part of taking care of ourselves, it becomes time to end certain relationships. Sometimes, it comes time to change the parameters of a particular relationship.
This is true in love, in friendships, with family, and on the job.
Endings and changes in relationships are not easy. But often, they are necessary.
Sometimes, we linger in relationships that are dead, out of fear of being alone or to postpone the inevitable grieving process that accompanies endings. Sometimes, we need to linger for a while, to prepare ourselves, to get strong and ready enough to handle the change.
If that is what we are doing, we can be gentle with ourselves. It is better to wait until that moment when it feels solid, clear, and consistent to act.
We will know. We will know. We can trust ourselves.
Knowing that a relationship is changing or is about to end is a difficult place to be in, especially when it is not yet time to act but we know the time is drawing near. It can be awkward and uncomfortable, as the lesson draws to a close. We may become impatient to put closure on it, but not yet feel empowered to do that. That's okay. The time is not yet right. Something important is still happening. When the time is right, we can trust that it will happen. We will receive the power and the ability to do what we need to do.
Ending relationships or changing the boundaries of a particular relationship is not easy. It requires courage and faith. It requires a willingness on our part to take care of ourselves and, sometimes, to stand-alone for a while.
Let go of fear. Understand that change is an important part of recovery. Love yourself enough to do what you need to do to take care of yourself, and find enough confidence to believe that you will love again.
We are never starting over. In recovery, we are moving forward in a perfectly planned progression of lessons. We will find ourselves with certain people - in love, family, friendships, and work - when we need to be with them. When the lesson has been mastered, we will move on. We will find ourselves in a new place, learning new lessons, with new people.
No, the lessons are not all painful. We will arrive at that place where we can learn, not from pain, but from joy and love.
Our needs will get met.
Today, I will accept where I am in my relationships, even if that place is awkward and uncomfortable. If I am in the midst of endings, I will face and accept my grief. God, help me trust that the path I am on has been perfectly and lovingly planned for me. Help me believe that my relationships are teaching me important lessons. Help me accept and be grateful for middles, endings, and new beginnings.
thank you for this reflection. I am definitely in the place of ending being so enmeshed where ever that will bring me I don't know. I am committed to it though because being so enmeshed is so harmful to me and I am no longer willing to take it.
Maresie.
Funny, I just read this chapter yesterday. I haven't done any more reading today. By coming here and reading it again, I think HP is trying to tell my I need this reinforced. LOL
Thanks for sharing,
Bob
Right now my head spins when I read crap like this. I just spent the last year and half going through a divorce that didn't feel right, didn't want, tried to stop, and couldn't do anything about. Now my ex says she made a mistake and wants to see if we can try working things out.
I just don't get it
Lou
I just posted over on ACOA about my feelings right now. I then came over here and read this reflections. I guess my HP also led me here. I am in the midst of endings - a break up last month - moving at the end of the month (don't know where yet) - roommate is moving out of town. All of this has me turned upside down and I am feeling sad and lonely. I hate endings so much.
I have been tempted over the last week to contact my ex and say I miss her. I do but since she ended the relationship, I don't feel it is my place to call. I so want to though.
I hate being in the state of transition - there's nothing to hold onto and so few to turn to. My HP is here but I yearn for the flesh and blood of a person. Someone I can hold a conversation with. Someone to hug. Someone nearby. This is so hard - it's just so hard.
Thank you for the reflection though.
Angelina