I'm new to this message board and am forcing myself to write, I'm such a good isolator that I'd just lurk here if not.. I came into recovery through the doors of alanon and acoa, but have gotten away from the program in the last couple of years, and realize how much my life is out of control and unmanageable. In the past few years, I've pretty much isolated myself from people. I went through a really really difficult time as I was working on csa issues, and became very angry, insulated myself with food and shut out the world and my life as I knew it. The punishment is now coming from within me and I just can't live like this anymore. My life right now consists of going to work, coming home to my 2 dogs and eating dinner and watching tv until I go to bed. My comfort has come from spending and food. It's the hardest thing for me to do, but I just have to reach out and ask for help, and ask for people to reach out TO me and be there for me. My oldest, best friend who I trusted completely and thought was there for me when I needed her the most, turned out to be completely emotionally unavailable to me, and through a series of events, I became homeless for a while. THIS is what keeps me from reaching out, and I now realize that what I have been doing is letting go/rejecting friendships for fear that that same situation will happen again. I need help working on the victim mentality crap, first things first. The tight little ball that i've been living in has been made up of all these interconnected things, and it's time to break out of that ball. Thanks for listening. Donna

Welcome Donna, and really glad you made the effort to post here.  I hope you are able to find lots of love and support on this board, and you've taken an important first step.  Lurking is good, posting is even better!  Well done!!

Tom

Donna, Welcome!! I'm so glad you chose to take that first step and post :) Since you've been to alanon before, you know what it can bring you. We're here for you and will be glad to lend an ear, a hand and a hug. Have you checked out the chatroom yet? As long as you are reaching out, you might as well visit us there too :) There is open chat and meetings too. Meeting times are: Meeting times are 9am and 9pm EST Monday through Friday Saturday and Sunday 10am and 7pm EST Business meeting is held the first Wednesday of each month at 7pm EST MIP chatroom

I am soooo very glad you are here!  I certainly understand what you are going through.  I had that very way of responding to crises in my life...clamming up, shutting down emotionally, avoiding anyone and everyone, just plain living my life INSIDE of myself.  Very depressing!  But that was the only way I knew to survive without losing my very being.  And friends would say, "why didn't you call if you needed to talk?"  I doubt they would have understood - they were not involved in alanon, and they were not living the hell that I was going through.  Since I found alanon, I have slowly opened my arms to the caring people in alanon who want so badly to be there for me.  It's been difficult for me to trust/confide in these people, but with time and patience, it has worked out, and is truly a blessing!  I hope that you will give yourself time to come to that comforting reality by letting go and letting God guide you to true friendships with other alanon members.  You will not regret it, I promise!

((((hugs))))

Kathi

(((((((Donna)))))))))) <<<<< welcome hugs to MIP,

Keep coming and keep posting.  One of things I learned very quickly in Alanon is to never listen to the committee in my head that tells me to isolate because it's a scary place where my distorted thinking runs rampant.    Now I never go there alone!!!! I always grab an alanon friend, my sponsor, someone to come along with me so I can discern between what's old garbage and what I really need to look at.

I hope you will join us in chat too because it's a good place to begin.  Even if you choose to just listen at first, which is what I did and then I began sharing and haven't shut up since .  Again welcome and keeping coming,

Maria123

Donna: I am glad that you are here. I have had my share of friends betraying me and I think for me it was a combination of my intense need and boundarylessness. As I become more boundaried I stop asking people to do the impossible. I also test them out to see if they are emotionally available. When I am in emotional starvation mode I do not do that.  I simply project and let all my trust out.

I can also relate to the isolation issue. I have done that to a great degree over the past 5 years partly because of geographic issues, boyfriend issues (I tend to become very dependent in relationships) and also because of child sexual abuse issues. In some ways the isolation helped because I slowed down my process a lot and did not simply be triggered all the time. I got to be very specific about how I am triggered and when. On another level it hurt me.

I am glad that you have a place to return to and am overjoyed that somany people in this group link their childhood experiences with adult experiences that is so so key for me.

I look forward to getting to know you.

Maresie.

 

Hi Christy, Thanks for the warm welcome - I *know* that alanon people are safe people, I just have to get out of my head and back into my heart again, but this is the first step back to taking care of myself again. Yes, I'll check out the chatroom too. It's always good to get that instant feedback... Thanks again, Donna

Hi Tom, Thanks for the reply! It's always good to know there are people around me to remind me that there are good people out there...especially in the rooms. It's always those first steps that seem the hardest. Donna

Hi Kathi, Thanks for your post. I think the hardest part of all of this is that i KNEW all this stuff, and I let go of all my tools (putting down the club now...). I got caught in a pretty bad cycle of bad relationships and not taking care of myself (or vice versa) for the past few years, and feel like I'm just starting to emerge. I've let go of all my friendships, and that's what makes it really difficult for me is that I feel like I've forgotten how to be social, how to have friendships - I'm realizing that it's all my fear talking to me, that I have to get myself out there again. I am beginning to realize that the people I was depending on to be there for me couldn't (the story of my life!), and pushed away the people in my life that could be there for me. Thanks, Kathi, you said exactly what I've needed to hear for a long time. (((((hugs))))) Donna

Hi Maria, Thanks for your post. I have a feeling that i'll be one of those people that won't shut up once I start, either. My disease told me that it was okay to go into that bad neighborhood called my mind all alone, and I believed it (yuck). It really feels like I'ce been on an emotional binge for a long time and the hangover is just beginning, but I know this too will pass. Today's different, and that's all that matters. Donna

Hi Marisie, It's good to know that I'm not the only one out here with the betrayal of friendships. It felt like that a lot of the time, but I think I've compounded the feeling with the historical victim role that i've played most of my life. Thank you for sharing about the emotional starvation part - that's what I've been feeling for so long and didn't have a name for it! I'm realizing that i perpetuated that cycle too by isolating. It became so painful, but there was the comfort in sameness, I began to numb out from the pain. I have started to test people that I may begin to call friends, but I also have to watch myself in that aspect because I know that for me, I can just as easily do the 'reject first before being rejected' thing. Ah, the word balance comes to mind... I'm TERRIBLE at relationships - a book on my list to read is about how to not lose yourself in a relationship - I cant remember the title right now, but it sounds pretty on the mark. I think that in time that I'll do a specific 4th/5th step about relationships...that's come up over the past few years, and it's probably about time to do it sometime soon. Everything you said really helped. Look forward to getting to know you too. Donna

Hi (((Donna)))

Welcome! You've found a great place to be. Keep coming back.

Jennifer

Donna,

Welcome back to Alanon! You have friends here to help you and you help us by posting. When friends aren't there for us emotionally it just says that they don't have that capacity. Find someone who does. They tell us in Alanon to help someone else and that is a good way out of isolation. Keep coming back.

In support,

Nancy