Finally my husband wanted to have sex it has been along time. I wanted to do it as well. But when it came down to it I couldn't get in to it. I felt bad. I hope I didn't discourage him. (sorry about the content.) It has been a long time since we did it. I am the one that wants to do it all the time, but he doesn't. So that makes it very hard on me.
-- Edited by nycbt at 13:29, 2006-01-09
Jennifer said
Jan 9, 2006
Hi Ny,
I can understand. We are pretty active sexually. Sometimes for me it is extremely hard to feel the intimacy I need to be truly into it. It's the trust thing, hard to let go and enjoy when I don't have it. That area is one where I can make suggestions and ask for what I need/want and I can see his efforts to meet them though.
I hope you find a balance for it to be enjoyable for you both ... practice makes perfect?
Jennifer
maresie said
Jan 9, 2006
For me in a relationship with an A there are long periods of sexual anorexia. I am in that period now. I feel completely asexual. I have periods of anorexia followed by periods of wanting to be intimate. I no longer beat myself up for these. I know my boyfriend wants me to be sexual but I don't go by his wants and needs anymore as the universe. I am content to let my needs and wants guide me rather than try to stand on my head to be the only one working on the relationship.
I don't see that I withdraw sexually as a way to punish him although I am sure he does. I have tremendous sexual abuse issues and I am working on them as best I can. I do things for him still like this morning I gave him some stuff for a zit he had on his face. I am not totally cold and unfeeling but if I do not want to have sex I do not worry about what he thinks before I worry about what I think anymore. I am so grateful to be in this space because for so many years I felt that my worth was solely focused on what he felt, what his needs were and how great a person I was to be in relationship with. Now I understand I may not be a great person to be in relationship with but neither is he.
Maresie.
Jeannie said
Jan 9, 2006
((((NYCBT))))
We are not robots, we are people. Even in the best of circumstances one person may or may not be into it on any given day. Sex is not an Olympic sport and we should not be expected to perform our best every day.
I know if I am not really into it and my husband seems to be, I just try and enjoy the cuddle time and let him enjoy himself. I am then honest with him, that I wasn't really into it but I do love him. He ususally is okay with that, as he has days he really doesn't feel like it either.
Just be honest and be yourslef. You don't have to impress each other with sexual energy, it is all really just about love and closeness.
Love Jeannie
captcodee said
Jan 9, 2006
I hear ya loud and clear girlfriend!!
I completely relate! I used to "withold" sex because of his actions, smell, my mood etc. I discovered that sometimes I really have to "prepare" for our excursions.
I did some soul searching, and realize that he "needs" it more than me. Sex for him is an affirmation that he is okay, and eases anxiety etc. For me, I need cuddles, touch, conversation, but he needs the real thing, no messing around, just straight to the punch line.
By recognizing that his needs are different than mine, I am able to meet them a bit easier. We don't have sex every time he wants to, but I try to make an effort to prepare myself at least once a week for a good "quickie". When his needs are met, my crazy demands are more likely to be met.
When I prepare for these situations, I usually change the sheets, have a bath (and shave my legs, and other "necessary" self maintenance), put on some perfume, turn off the TV, light a candle, and call him in. I don't ever let him know what i am up to, cause i don't want him to ever expect it.
I need a certain element of control in our relationship, and he lets me have it. This is one way.
I dunno, it works for me.
Aron
bd said
Jan 9, 2006
For me it was a psychological issue. I couldn't stand the smell of stale beer or any form of alcholol smell. Even when he wasn't drinking it would seem to just be coming out of his pores. I was completly turned off. And often I could not get over the things he had said or done when he was drinking. He expected instant forgiveness, and i couldn't give that at the time. I so can relate to sexual disfunction with an A. It componds more problems. To this day, every time i look at him i feel nothing and sometimes when I can tell he has been drinking, my stomach still turns.
Your not alone
bd
Emafer said
Jan 10, 2006
I tend to be a very sexual person and I put a lot of importance on sexual communication. I believe that sex is much of an important way to communicate as arguement and rational discussion. When my ex would get very depressed he would drink a lot and he wouldn't be interested in having sex. This was hard for me to deal with. At the same time I ralized that it was because he needed a different kind of communication. So I would sit down with him and we would talk about what was depressing him and once he got it out he was usually back in the sadle.
With my current "A". For the first time EVER, I'm the one who doen't want to have sex with him. And it's becuase he doesn't make me feel emotionally safe. I feel like he doen't create a safe environment for me to express myself wheather we are having sex, fighing or just talking. In a very mechinaical way we were fantastic together. However, that's not enough for me anymore. The last time he took me to bed, I told him that I simply couldn't get into it. He accepted that and just cuddled with me and held me all night and we woke up still in eachothers arms. It was one of the best nights we'd spend together.
notsonew1111 said
Jan 11, 2006
i too have a hard time with the sexual part of our relationship. im not always in the mood anymore and i know its because i dont feel safe and secure. i need to feel loved and cared about. i know he wants me because he makes it very clear. but i need to know he wants my mind, comfort, and love and not just my body. i need to be romanced. when we are really close emotionally and do alot of cuddling then we have an awesome sex life but then there's the times when we havnt been so close so sometimes i will have a quickie to keep him happy unless he has had a binge or we are fighting, i never give in unless i truely feel loved. its all just too complex. lol
Finally my husband wanted to have sex it has been along time. I wanted to do it as well. But when it came down to it I couldn't get in to it. I felt bad. I hope I didn't discourage him. (sorry about the content.) It has been a long time since we did it. I am the one that wants to do it all the time, but he doesn't. So that makes it very hard on me.
-- Edited by nycbt at 13:29, 2006-01-09
Hi Ny,
I can understand. We are pretty active sexually. Sometimes for me it is extremely hard to feel the intimacy I need to be truly into it. It's the trust thing, hard to let go and enjoy when I don't have it. That area is one where I can make suggestions and ask for what I need/want and I can see his efforts to meet them though.
I hope you find a balance for it to be enjoyable for you both ... practice makes perfect?
Jennifer
For me in a relationship with an A there are long periods of sexual anorexia. I am in that period now. I feel completely asexual. I have periods of anorexia followed by periods of wanting to be intimate. I no longer beat myself up for these. I know my boyfriend wants me to be sexual but I don't go by his wants and needs anymore as the universe. I am content to let my needs and wants guide me rather than try to stand on my head to be the only one working on the relationship.
I don't see that I withdraw sexually as a way to punish him although I am sure he does. I have tremendous sexual abuse issues and I am working on them as best I can. I do things for him still like this morning I gave him some stuff for a zit he had on his face. I am not totally cold and unfeeling but if I do not want to have sex I do not worry about what he thinks before I worry about what I think anymore. I am so grateful to be in this space because for so many years I felt that my worth was solely focused on what he felt, what his needs were and how great a person I was to be in relationship with. Now I understand I may not be a great person to be in relationship with but neither is he.
Maresie.
((((NYCBT))))
We are not robots, we are people. Even in the best of circumstances one person may or may not be into it on any given day. Sex is not an Olympic sport and we should not be expected to perform our best every day.
I know if I am not really into it and my husband seems to be, I just try and enjoy the cuddle time and let him enjoy himself. I am then honest with him, that I wasn't really into it but I do love him. He ususally is okay with that, as he has days he really doesn't feel like it either.
Just be honest and be yourslef. You don't have to impress each other with sexual energy, it is all really just about love and closeness.
Love Jeannie
I hear ya loud and clear girlfriend!!
I completely relate! I used to "withold" sex because of his actions, smell, my mood etc. I discovered that sometimes I really have to "prepare" for our excursions.
I did some soul searching, and realize that he "needs" it more than me. Sex for him is an affirmation that he is okay, and eases anxiety etc. For me, I need cuddles, touch, conversation, but he needs the real thing, no messing around, just straight to the punch line.
By recognizing that his needs are different than mine, I am able to meet them a bit easier. We don't have sex every time he wants to, but I try to make an effort to prepare myself at least once a week for a good "quickie". When his needs are met, my crazy demands are more likely to be met.
When I prepare for these situations, I usually change the sheets, have a bath (and shave my legs, and other "necessary" self maintenance), put on some perfume, turn off the TV, light a candle, and call him in. I don't ever let him know what i am up to, cause i don't want him to ever expect it.
I need a certain element of control in our relationship, and he lets me have it. This is one way.
I dunno, it works for me.
Aron
For me it was a psychological issue. I couldn't stand the smell of stale beer or any form of alcholol smell. Even when he wasn't drinking it would seem to just be coming out of his pores. I was completly turned off. And often I could not get over the things he had said or done when he was drinking. He expected instant forgiveness, and i couldn't give that at the time. I so can relate to sexual disfunction with an A. It componds more problems. To this day, every time i look at him i feel nothing and sometimes when I can tell he has been drinking, my stomach still turns.
Your not alone
bd
I tend to be a very sexual person and I put a lot of importance on sexual communication. I believe that sex is much of an important way to communicate as arguement and rational discussion. When my ex would get very depressed he would drink a lot and he wouldn't be interested in having sex. This was hard for me to deal with. At the same time I ralized that it was because he needed a different kind of communication. So I would sit down with him and we would talk about what was depressing him and once he got it out he was usually back in the sadle.
With my current "A". For the first time EVER, I'm the one who doen't want to have sex with him. And it's becuase he doesn't make me feel emotionally safe. I feel like he doen't create a safe environment for me to express myself wheather we are having sex, fighing or just talking. In a very mechinaical way we were fantastic together. However, that's not enough for me anymore. The last time he took me to bed, I told him that I simply couldn't get into it. He accepted that and just cuddled with me and held me all night and we woke up still in eachothers arms. It was one of the best nights we'd spend together.