Tonight on the board the subject came up, after comments on someones growth within this program, that the comments may have been a judgement of a person's growth rather than a pat on the back (which I know was the intent). I was blown away that there could be heat off this. I know there are other things going on with the board just from the out and out weird comments and maybe people were just on edge/sensitive.
If we are sticking to al-anon priciples and working this program we need ALWAYS use caution on commenting on someones growth. I have personally see individuals use the program to get pats on the back. They weren't truely working the program just filling a need. And it wasn't helpful to them. This is just one instance. Also, progressing in this program is not seen by speed, others may feel that they should reach benchmarks in a certian amount of time. Anyone with some time in this program knows this is not the way al-anon works. Nothing like feeling that we should be farther down the line than we are.
I understand the fun of the open chat, love the laughs but to blow off a valid point really is a shame. This person was right in their comments that it was not al-anon/program and that caution should be used.
Principles above personalities....
ednaxray said
Jan 9, 2006
i remember as a new alanonner sharing in a meeting, and that at the conclusion of my share..people clapped and said way to go girl..it meant the world to me.
if alanon is not a place for loving praise and encouragement where is that place?
to me atta boys and girls are good for us..they are uncondional love and acceptance encouragement to go at our rate.
certanly we are not here to be graded,, nor have our inventory taken:
("If we are sticking to al-anon priciples and working this program we need ALWAYS use caution on commenting on someones growth. I have personally see individuals use the program to get pats on the back. They weren't truely working the program just filling a need. And it wasn't helpful to them.")
how can i really know anothers heart?? how can i know if they are working it the best they can in their understanding,,, and perhaps my encouragement and support will help even the attention seeker ..move more into the mainstream thinking of alanon and away from the attention seeking toward a lightbulb moment..
i see alanon as climbing a tall mountain ,some are just starting out while others are at various levels.....
it is up to all of us to lend a hand to reach a hand back to pull..or to get in back of and push our brothers and sisters up the hill, by lending our support, our hands our hugs . our love and encouragement.. done.
-- Edited by ednaxray at 02:08, 2006-01-09
Christy said
Jan 9, 2006
I agree Edna..
Encouragement in program is what gave me hope when I first came in. Pats on the back and and reassurance that I was getting somewhere and making the right choices per Alanon were a big boost to keep working it, and also gave me a sence of belonging.
Judging someone's purpose in program and encouraging, giving them congrats in their growth in program are very different things.
Christy
bobump said
Jan 9, 2006
Interesting perspective Luna. I can see where some people could view a 'great growth' comment as judgemental. I have personally never seen it like that. At least it made me think about it. :)
I've heard comments along those lines from very hardcore veterans at f2f meetings to though. Sometimes more personally in the post meeting chatting but sometimes even during the meeting.
I personally found the encouragement wonderful. Sometimes those of us who are wandering need some encouragement that we are at least in the right direction. That's only my opinion too though.
Bob
abbyal said
Jan 9, 2006
Not part of the Al-Anon program ???? My God I have been doing this wrong for 20 years.
I agree with Edna too , who the hell am I to say that someone is only doing this to get pats on the back sounds like inventory taking to me.
I cannot repay my sponsor for the value I got from her saying to me as I sharred how I worked thru another crisis in the early days. " I think you handled that just right " you have grown. followed by a big hug
As I began to sponsor people myself I always remember to give them a atta girl !! and tell them how proud I am of the way they are changing . We don't often see our own recovery or that we have grown at all and can become discouraged.
My job as a sponsor or just a member is to help people find the courage to make the changes they need to improve thier own lives and if an Atta Girl once a month does that for them as it did for me I will continue.
If your not getting an occasional job well done find another sponsor or group. We all need them occasionally.
Louise
kitty said
Jan 9, 2006
I was in chat when this happened, last night. It seemed to be the decline of the entire mood of the room. One person mad an observation, that other person was not fishing for a compliment. That right there does seem a bit judgemental to me.
I made the comment about myself that I have grown tremendously & would be dead in the water w/out this Program.
As far as rates of growth speed (ha!) that too is between the individual & God. I know it takes us a long time to get this screwed up but there is also a phenomena called "Spontaneous Healing" it is a clinical term ~ a way to "explain" a miracle.
Some ppl have experienced a sudden enlightenment. It is other pointing the finger or taking inventory about how long anything should or should not take.
If Principles are more important than anything, then healing is what we ought to be focused on. If someone comes into chat they ought to be embraced when they are having a nervous breakdown or are feeling hopeless, not told, "to go away" as I have witnessed in chat & have even been belittled myself there.
We are all sick ppl trying to get well. None of us are psychologists or psychiatrsits, we are ppl sharing our ESH from a painful & real experiences of this disease first hand.
I think we all need to take a kinder & gentler approach to each other in chat & not be so hard-nosed. Therein lies compassionate understanding. I have been abused... I don't go to chat looking to be picked on, ridiculed or demeaned.
BTW ~ we are ALL individuals with our own perceptions & opinions ~ wtvr any of us say, is just that ~ our opinion at that moment. I think everyone needs to cool down, chill out, let go of their "controlling issues" & live & let live ~ live & let heal.
Tonight on the board the subject came up, after comments on someones growth within this program, that the comments may have been a judgement of a person's growth rather than a pat on the back (which I know was the intent). I was blown away that there could be heat off this. I know there are other things going on with the board just from the out and out weird comments and maybe people were just on edge/sensitive.
If we are sticking to al-anon priciples and working this program we need ALWAYS use caution on commenting on someones growth. I have personally see individuals use the program to get pats on the back. They weren't truely working the program just filling a need. And it wasn't helpful to them. This is just one instance. Also, progressing in this program is not seen by speed, others may feel that they should reach benchmarks in a certian amount of time. Anyone with some time in this program knows this is not the way al-anon works. Nothing like feeling that we should be farther down the line than we are.
I understand the fun of the open chat, love the laughs but to blow off a valid point really is a shame. This person was right in their comments that it was not al-anon/program and that caution should be used.
Principles above personalities....
i remember as a new alanonner sharing in a meeting, and that at the conclusion of my share..people clapped and said way to go girl..it meant the world to me.
if alanon is not a place for loving praise and encouragement where is that place?
to me atta boys and girls are good for us..they are uncondional love and acceptance encouragement to go at our rate.
certanly we are not here to be graded,, nor have our inventory taken:
("If we are sticking to al-anon priciples and working this program we need ALWAYS use caution on commenting on someones growth. I have personally see individuals use the program to get pats on the back. They weren't truely working the program just filling a need. And it wasn't helpful to them.")
how can i really know anothers heart?? how can i know if they are working it the best they can in their understanding,,, and perhaps my encouragement and support will help even the attention seeker ..move more into the mainstream thinking of alanon and away from the attention seeking toward a lightbulb moment..
i see alanon as climbing a tall mountain ,some are just starting out while others are at various levels.....
it is up to all of us to lend a hand to reach a hand back to pull..or to get in back of and push our brothers and sisters up the hill, by lending our support, our hands our hugs . our love and encouragement.. done.
-- Edited by ednaxray at 02:08, 2006-01-09
Not part of the Al-Anon program ???? My God I have been doing this wrong for 20 years.
I agree with Edna too , who the hell am I to say that someone is only doing this to get pats on the back sounds like inventory taking to me.
I cannot repay my sponsor for the value I got from her saying to me as I sharred how I worked thru another crisis in the early days. " I think you handled that just right " you have grown. followed by a big hug
As I began to sponsor people myself I always remember to give them a atta girl !! and tell them how proud I am of the way they are changing . We don't often see our own recovery or that we have grown at all and can become discouraged.
My job as a sponsor or just a member is to help people find the courage to make the changes they need to improve thier own lives and if an Atta Girl once a month does that for them as it did for me I will continue.
If your not getting an occasional job well done find another sponsor or group. We all need them occasionally.
Louise
I was in chat when this happened, last night. It seemed to be the decline of the entire mood of the room. One person mad an observation, that other person was not fishing for a compliment. That right there does seem a bit judgemental to me.
I made the comment about myself that I have grown tremendously & would be dead in the water w/out this Program.
As far as rates of growth speed (ha!) that too is between the individual & God. I know it takes us a long time to get this screwed up but there is also a phenomena called "Spontaneous Healing" it is a clinical term ~ a way to "explain" a miracle.
Some ppl have experienced a sudden enlightenment. It is other pointing the finger or taking inventory about how long anything should or should not take.
If Principles are more important than anything, then healing is what we ought to be focused on. If someone comes into chat they ought to be embraced when they are having a nervous breakdown or are feeling hopeless, not told, "to go away" as I have witnessed in chat & have even been belittled myself there.
We are all sick ppl trying to get well. None of us are psychologists or psychiatrsits, we are ppl sharing our ESH from a painful & real experiences of this disease first hand.
I think we all need to take a kinder & gentler approach to each other in chat & not be so hard-nosed. Therein lies compassionate understanding. I have been abused... I don't go to chat looking to be picked on, ridiculed or demeaned.
BTW ~ we are ALL individuals with our own perceptions & opinions ~ wtvr any of us say, is just that ~ our opinion at that moment. I think everyone needs to cool down, chill out, let go of their "controlling issues" & live & let live ~ live & let heal.
That is what I am trying to do.
struggling in recovery, -K
-- Edited by kitty at 16:43, 2006-01-09