I realised on NYD, that I cannot (& should, not) talk to my mother about my feelings anymore.  The first chance I got to talk to her, was Friday & I told her all of my thoughts...  that "since she isn't compassionate towards herself nor does she want to face her own feelings, how can I expect her to want to hear mine.

That her neglecting me over the years was abuse, along with all of the other dysfunctional things she had done to me." 

So the next day after having a chance to fully take in my words, she attacked me, hung up on me twice.  She said, "our relationship sucks because you constantly give me unwanted advice, you think it is good but it isn't!  I asked you to do something for me, not advise me!" -click-

That is SO mature.  And here I was yesterday, feeling hopeless, took a long nap & went to the mtg to hear the 3C's.  I cannot do anything but accept her how she is...  we may never understand others, acceptance is all we have.  I have to deal with myself and not listen to her.  Everything I have ever learned about love, I attribute to her, she is wise in so many ways.  But the courage to face ourselves, be gracious in our handling of our emotions...  it is always a new challenge.  Even though the feelings are the same, in different situations they always seem different & it seems to never get any easier.

All I know is I have to remember, she is NOT my friend.  She lacks the self love that I do, otherwise it would have been modeled for me & we wouldn't be in this situation.  So I am not kicking myself for 'talking to her'  ~ old habits are hard to break.  I just have to remember that no matter how "nice" she is, she doesn't want to know the truth, she would rather have her own deluded perception. 

So I surrender myself wholly to God's Will for me & ask the Angels & Saints to guide, direct, protect & support me in their Infinite Wisdom.  I give myself up to You, Divine Physician of our souls, for You love us more than I myself know how to love but I am willing, open & ready to learn.  I know there will be growing pains but it beats this rotten stagnation that I have been living in for so long.  I surrender this rage I have been in for 30 years, I want You.  Thank You for never leaving me when all this time I have turned my back on You.  I know You forgive me, I desire to be worthy of the Blessings You have given me & be the human being You want me to be. I am grateful & desire that grace, if it is Your Will.   Amen. 

I have a mother who is quite the same way.  It took me years, but I finally realized she loved me the only way she knew how.  After marrying my A I always felt so "out of sight out of mind" with my mother until I realized it's not just me...it's anyone.  That is who she is.  She has not sent a card or called me in 6 years. I have gotten married, had two babies, been in the military for 6 years gotten promoted and a couple of medals and never once has she said "I am proud of you".  Which, I now realize is all for me...because I need that from her.  But she can not give that to me.  She loves me the only way she knows how and that has to be good enough for me.  So I call her, write her, e-mail her and always know that I will not hear the "I love you" at the end of the conversation, or the "I am proud of you".  I just believe she feels it in her own way.  But I have a Father who loves me more than anyone on earth can and I know I can go to Him when I am feeling low and need that boost of encouragement.  I know I can rest in His care and know that is enough.  Praise God for His endless, unconditional and all healing Love.

God Bless you and keep you.

In His Love.

kitty>>>> I cannot do anything but accept her how she is...  we may never understand others, acceptance is all we have.  I have to deal with myself and not listen to her.  Everything I have ever learned about love, I attribute to her, she is wise in so many ways.  But the courage to face ourselves, be gracious in our handling of our emotions...  it is always a new challenge.  Even though the feelings are the same, in different situations they always seem different & it seems to never get any easier.

 

rosie>>>>>>(((((kitty))))))  good girl!!!  WONDERFUL progress and freedom....i love this  "accept her how she is"     sounds to me like you are really  "letting go--letting hp"    i am happy for U......love/ r

I'm hoping to be less codie as I become more aware it. I had an incident w/ my family in the car w/ the radion this weekend, where I was trying to watch a dvd on my laptop. Well nobody really gave a crap about me. Why should they, I've taught them otherwise. I did have a backup plan. I pulled out my Courage to Change, read Sundays reader and then read my Codependent No More book. Kinda funny seeing my A out of the corner of my eye try ot see what Im' reading while driving. LOL But I still managed to so something for me yesterday. Maybe these people are doing their best and we are looking for that which they aren't capable to give. :( Bob

Hi Kitty,

Huggs to you...wow, I can so relate to your post..I have a mother who has never told me she loves me..I use to be co-dependent because I thought I had to please the world..never setting boundaries, saying yes when I meant no and accepting abusive behavior from boyfriends, friends and family.  I finally realized though people are who they are and we can't change them.  As much as we want them to love us, we can't make it happen..Just be kind to yourself and focus on you..I feel my mom loves me the best way she can, even though I want more from her.  I have accepted that fact she is who she is..and I can't make her give me the love that I so desire from her.  It hurts to say the least..but I still honor her as my mother. 

Keep your chin up and keep smilin...my thought and prayers are with you. 

Take care, Diane