I make progress and then I take a step backwards. For instance I haven't taken a shower an while which is not good. I haven't left the bed room for the whole day. Been eating sugar which I shouldn't be having it. I do any way. So that has affect all the other stuffs today. I always post the good and bad so he is the post of a step back wards.
On thursday my husband and I were argueing and then he took off. I went to my meeting and then when I got home he was gone. I didn't go an get him which was good.
The next day Friday I didn't do the question that I said I was going to do for my sponsor. So I didn't make the step to work on it. I was depressed that he was happening again. He was drinking on Sunday. So I was getting upset.
It looks like he is farther from even thinking of going back to AA. He is hanging out with all the people that really aren't good for him. There is nothing I can do about it. It is his decsion. I can't force him to do anything. I can't make him go to AA. I can't stop him from taking off and disappearing and end up at one of his friends house, or going to the bar. What I am greatful is that he always comes home. He always is sleeping next to me in the morning. He always comes back. I don't have to worry about him cheating on me with another women. Those things I have to be greatful for because alot of people aren't that lucky with that. The only thing that has helped me with him leaving is that I know he is coming back. It has taken me a long time to be able to do that. I do still worry but that is normal.
maresie said
Jan 7, 2006
I hope you can start taking baby steps to take care of yourself. I know how it is to feel paralyzed I have often felt that and that deep dark dreadful sense of resignation.
I have to keep reminding myself without beating myself up to take care of me. It is good that you are reaching out and can be very very honest. That takes tremendous courage. I think it took me decades to be honest. Honesty was seen as absolute treason in my family of origin.
Some days all I can do is rest and take care of me if I am feeling especially stressed out. I try these days not to focus that much on what my boyfriend is doing or not doing and that is incredibly difficult. I am so addicted to taking his inventory and resenting him. Letting go of that alone is tremendously difficult.
I have also stopped going out to look for my boyfriend when he is out and I am so relieved about that. That used to be a compulsion for me and I am glad to let it go. Of course I have to turn that over to the HP. I can't say I like hanging around at night and waiting for my boyfriend so I try to focus on my program, what I am doing, my goals, my immediate goals, what I need to do today (which sometimes is bare survival if I am feeling especially bad) and more.
I don't focus anymore on whether my boyfriend is paying his bills, traffic tickets, job situation or any of those things. Focusing on those got me to a state of frenzy. I have to focus on me and my health (which can be precarious) my mental health which can be so stressed out I am very very depressed and non functional and my financial health (which I am working very hard on disconnnecting from my boyfriends as hard as it is to give up the fantasy that we shared on that). I have to focus on me not the relationship I have with him because our relationship is so full of conflict, disappointment and stress for me. I have not got to a point where I see much nuturing in there right now. In fact I am at a point where I put into play huge boundaries when I refuse to step in and do things for him that he asks me to. I just put me first..and say I am currently burned out and need to step back for me. For once I am worth that much space.
I know controlling and obsessing got me nowhere and into mental spaces that are really unhealthy for me in terms of anger, grief and a sense of betrayal. I can go on total overload in those places and it is very very unhealthy for me to focus on that all the time. I have to take breaks or I act out in various ways.
Maresie.
nycbt said
Jan 7, 2006
Thank you so much for answering my post. I need to hear everything you said. Your right I have to work on turning my focus off him. As you know that is very hard to do. Each day is he going to go out today, how will i handle it today. I am trying to get better but it takes one step at a time.
nmike said
Jan 7, 2006
nycbt,
It is good that you weigh the good with the bad. It is amazing how we react and change our moods in tune with what the A's do. But I think that we have to separate ourselves from the disease and take care of ourselves. Keep trying.
In support,
Nancy
Jeannie said
Jan 8, 2006
((((NYCBT)))))
All we can do is take little steps. If we don't do something, we can start over tomorrow.
Worrying about and taking care of oursleves is hard and takes practice. The thing is it is supposed to help us, to make us feel better and like we matter. beating ourselves up for things we haven't done, serves no purpose, it really is about progress, not perfection.
It is great that you can see how far you have come, and the progress you have made. Forgive yourself for the slips and if a day comes that you don't meet you expectations, then try not to feel guilty about it, just be determined to try to do alittle better tomorrow.
I'm sure you have given compassion and made allowances to your A and others, now try and give some of it to yourslef. You do deserve it.
I make progress and then I take a step backwards. For instance I haven't taken a shower an while which is not good. I haven't left the bed room for the whole day. Been eating sugar which I shouldn't be having it. I do any way. So that has affect all the other stuffs today. I always post the good and bad so he is the post of a step back wards.
On thursday my husband and I were argueing and then he took off. I went to my meeting and then when I got home he was gone. I didn't go an get him which was good.
The next day Friday I didn't do the question that I said I was going to do for my sponsor. So I didn't make the step to work on it. I was depressed that he was happening again. He was drinking on Sunday. So I was getting upset.
It looks like he is farther from even thinking of going back to AA. He is hanging out with all the people that really aren't good for him. There is nothing I can do about it. It is his decsion. I can't force him to do anything. I can't make him go to AA. I can't stop him from taking off and disappearing and end up at one of his friends house, or going to the bar. What I am greatful is that he always comes home. He always is sleeping next to me in the morning. He always comes back. I don't have to worry about him cheating on me with another women. Those things I have to be greatful for because alot of people aren't that lucky with that. The only thing that has helped me with him leaving is that I know he is coming back. It has taken me a long time to be able to do that. I do still worry but that is normal.
I hope you can start taking baby steps to take care of yourself. I know how it is to feel paralyzed I have often felt that and that deep dark dreadful sense of resignation.
I have to keep reminding myself without beating myself up to take care of me. It is good that you are reaching out and can be very very honest. That takes tremendous courage. I think it took me decades to be honest. Honesty was seen as absolute treason in my family of origin.
Some days all I can do is rest and take care of me if I am feeling especially stressed out. I try these days not to focus that much on what my boyfriend is doing or not doing and that is incredibly difficult. I am so addicted to taking his inventory and resenting him. Letting go of that alone is tremendously difficult.
I have also stopped going out to look for my boyfriend when he is out and I am so relieved about that. That used to be a compulsion for me and I am glad to let it go. Of course I have to turn that over to the HP. I can't say I like hanging around at night and waiting for my boyfriend so I try to focus on my program, what I am doing, my goals, my immediate goals, what I need to do today (which sometimes is bare survival if I am feeling especially bad) and more.
I don't focus anymore on whether my boyfriend is paying his bills, traffic tickets, job situation or any of those things. Focusing on those got me to a state of frenzy. I have to focus on me and my health (which can be precarious) my mental health which can be so stressed out I am very very depressed and non functional and my financial health (which I am working very hard on disconnnecting from my boyfriends as hard as it is to give up the fantasy that we shared on that). I have to focus on me not the relationship I have with him because our relationship is so full of conflict, disappointment and stress for me. I have not got to a point where I see much nuturing in there right now. In fact I am at a point where I put into play huge boundaries when I refuse to step in and do things for him that he asks me to. I just put me first..and say I am currently burned out and need to step back for me. For once I am worth that much space.
I know controlling and obsessing got me nowhere and into mental spaces that are really unhealthy for me in terms of anger, grief and a sense of betrayal. I can go on total overload in those places and it is very very unhealthy for me to focus on that all the time. I have to take breaks or I act out in various ways.
Maresie.
nycbt,
It is good that you weigh the good with the bad. It is amazing how we react and change our moods in tune with what the A's do. But I think that we have to separate ourselves from the disease and take care of ourselves. Keep trying.
In support,
Nancy
((((NYCBT)))))
All we can do is take little steps. If we don't do something, we can start over tomorrow.
Worrying about and taking care of oursleves is hard and takes practice. The thing is it is supposed to help us, to make us feel better and like we matter. beating ourselves up for things we haven't done, serves no purpose, it really is about progress, not perfection.
It is great that you can see how far you have come, and the progress you have made. Forgive yourself for the slips and if a day comes that you don't meet you expectations, then try not to feel guilty about it, just be determined to try to do alittle better tomorrow.
I'm sure you have given compassion and made allowances to your A and others, now try and give some of it to yourslef. You do deserve it.
Love Jeannie