for people who aren't familiar with my story then heres a quick summary...
my ex boyf was clean and sober for more than 17 mths when i met him...we began dating...for a total of a yr and a half...then his old scumbag friends came back on the scene and he started drinking and doing drugs...i left him..heartbroken..(we had an apartment together) then he went in2 rehab and left without finishing his programme.
when he came out b4 xmas he went to his own family home and i went down to visit...
he told me how much he loved me and how much our time 2gether meant to him..he swore he was always faithful... and that he would love me until the day he dies...
..something inside me is telling me that wont be far away...
his mom rang me earlier and told me that he is back taking tabs and is currently in a psychiatric hospial.... she has kicked him out so he is now homeless....
im sitting here right now...roaring crying and shaking with every tear thats falling down my face.... i love him with all my heart and soul and im sooo afraid tha he is destroying himself.... the last time he drank and took pills...the doc said hewouldnt live to see 27 if he carried on living that way... he is 25 in may.
he was even lying on an operating table surrounded by surgeons ready to operate on him because of his heart....
.why is he doing this? why is he killing himself? why is he allowing this disease to control him....whhy why why...
.......why cant i help him...
i can see myself at his funeral..... but it feels like he has did already...... why did my HP send him to me...when he know that he was going to leave me?
im sooo alone and trrified for him right now..... im powerless to help....
why does love have to hurt soooo much.....
i really really could do with a friend right now..a.s my whole world caves in on me....
the pain in my heart is sooo great its killing me..... I HATE THIS DISEASE........ so much.
it destroys lives....why did it have to take my baby......
kismetstrand said
Jan 7, 2006
Hi (((((Rebecca)))) big hug to you. I was reading your post and thinking back to when I was in my early 20's, how very intense life and my feelings were then, and how very much I believed certain things were true because I felt them (wanted them) to be. Feelings are valid, but not always fact as I found out. The "love of my life" and father of my now 19 year old son was in my life at that time, and I poured all my energy into that relationship. Would I go back and change things now knowing what I know now? No, because (1) I have a wonderful son from it and (2) I learned a lot from it. One of the best things I learned was to value myself. To not allow my whole world to revolve around someone else. That I deserve to be equally valued.
This is a horrible disease. Totally agree there. And yes, heartbreaking to see someone we care about going thru it. But please look at how it is affecting you too. Are you going to meetings? Do you have a sponsor? Do you have some of the literature? I really wish I could magically impart what I've learned here to you all in a moment, but of course I can't. All I can do is say what has helped me is reading all that I can, going to as many meetings as I can, and learning to focus on myself rather than on what he is doing, detaching with love (that doesn't mean ignoring him, it means not letting yourself get drawn into his crisis emotionally - and hon, it really sounds like you're drawn in there a whole lot.) We can love them, but we need to learn how to do that in a healthy way so that we aren't drawn down to the depths of despair along with them.
I know and understand you love him. Whatever your choices are, those are your choices to make. (I'm married to an active alcoholic myself.) You do have a friend here who will listen (I'm sure there are many here who will listen and care)... my one main concern is you and your well-being. "my whole world caves in on me"... oh yes, I remember that feeling too. I'm glad you're here and reaching out. I can promise you, if you keep coming and work this program, you will find a whole new world and you'll be okay. You might not be able to see it right now, but it's there. Keep talking to us.
Luv, Kis
leo said
Jan 7, 2006
HI Bec totally agree with everything Kis says. There is nothing you can do to stop his actions remember the 3'cs and go back to step one. Thinking of you. LUv Leo x
browneyes said
Jan 7, 2006
(((((((((((Rebecca))))))))
Wish I could be there to give that to you in person. Sounds really familiar to me, too, when I was in my twenties. I loved someone so much I let them almost kill me phsically and mentally. When I found myself on the ground on my back, looking up at the sky, with his hands around my neck, I finally realized that I was worth more than that. I know that isn't exactly what you are facing but I understand the feelings of being so wrapped up in someone else that you don't care for yourself. It's a tough situation to deal with. But you never know what is going to happen from one day to the next. He could turn around tomorrow and get help or he could pass away. The point is you worrying yourself into a frenzy is not going to change him. It is only going to make you sick. Please get to a meeting or call someone, pour your heart out or read to yourself and keep reaching out here. We are here for you always. I will pray for you and hope you find some peace today.
Love Julie
cullyvan said
Jan 7, 2006
Dear Rebecca,
I'm so, so sorry. I haven't been in this programme long and I'm not sure what words to say to comfort you but I can relate to what you wrote and want to let you know my prayers are with you. I know also struggle with that feeling of helplessness - it's like watching someone drown and not being able to throw them a rope.
For what it is worth whenever possible I try to be grateful for my hp bringing my A into my life because I really do see how it has exposed and forced me to face certain aspects of myself that have been present in all my interactions but never so extremely. Even though I am just starting down this road I am determined that I will be better for this experience.
Try - as hard as it is - to detach and love yourself. You are obviously a very generous and loving person. Your post a few days ago to me gave me much comfort and made me feel understood. Try to turn that love you give so freely to others around and shower a bit of it on yourself.
Good luck. And keep writing. xx
maresie said
Jan 7, 2006
Rebecca: I definitely had very intense relationships when i was in my 20's with people who did alcohol and drugs. In fact when I meet people now if they say they drink alcohol even on a social level my heart lurches because I am at least willing to look for the signs.
How are you taking care of you during this time. Are you eating, are you sleeping. Can you do a first step and turn over the care of your boyfriend to a HP. When I first did that one lonely night when I was as always waiting around for my boyfriend to return home I felt tremendously relieved. For the first time I did not sit up all night in obsession, worry and resentment.
I can imagine that you are devastated that your boyfriend has gone off on this bender and does not seem to be finding his way back. I don't think his going out reflects on your love for him or your commitment to the relationship. Do you? I used to always be saying that if I did more it would help my boyfriend but the irony was only when I started doing less and saying no and saying I was burnt out and had had enough could I start really seeing what my boyfriend was doing all the time (which was lie, cheat, steal and use basically). The issue for me now is not so much about what he is doing but what I am doing and how wel I am taking care of myself. When I am exhausted I acknowledge it now and allow myself the knowledge, when I am angry I allow myself to know it and talk about it at length rather than just let it bottle up.
The paradox here is that when we finally get to admit we are powerless over their disease we actually start to have some power over our lives. How very difficult it is to get to that place of admitting powerlessness it is part of the grief process to get there isn't it denial, anger, bargaining, sadness, acceptance. What stage do you think you are in?
for people who aren't familiar with my story then heres a quick summary...
my ex boyf was clean and sober for more than 17 mths when i met him...we began dating...for a total of a yr and a half...then his old scumbag friends came back on the scene and he started drinking and doing drugs...i left him..heartbroken..(we had an apartment together) then he went in2 rehab and left without finishing his programme.
when he came out b4 xmas he went to his own family home and i went down to visit...
he told me how much he loved me and how much our time 2gether meant to him..he swore he was always faithful... and that he would love me until the day he dies...
..something inside me is telling me that wont be far away...
his mom rang me earlier and told me that he is back taking tabs and is currently in a psychiatric hospial.... she has kicked him out so he is now homeless....
im sitting here right now...roaring crying and shaking with every tear thats falling down my face.... i love him with all my heart and soul and im sooo afraid tha he is destroying himself.... the last time he drank and took pills...the doc said hewouldnt live to see 27 if he carried on living that way... he is 25 in may.
he was even lying on an operating table surrounded by surgeons ready to operate on him because of his heart....
.why is he doing this? why is he killing himself? why is he allowing this disease to control him....whhy why why...
.......why cant i help him...
i can see myself at his funeral..... but it feels like he has did already...... why did my HP send him to me...when he know that he was going to leave me?
im sooo alone and trrified for him right now..... im powerless to help....
why does love have to hurt soooo much.....
i really really could do with a friend right now..a.s my whole world caves in on me....
the pain in my heart is sooo great its killing me..... I HATE THIS DISEASE........ so much.
it destroys lives....why did it have to take my baby......
Hi (((((Rebecca)))) big hug to you. I was reading your post and thinking back to when I was in my early 20's, how very intense life and my feelings were then, and how very much I believed certain things were true because I felt them (wanted them) to be. Feelings are valid, but not always fact as I found out. The "love of my life" and father of my now 19 year old son was in my life at that time, and I poured all my energy into that relationship. Would I go back and change things now knowing what I know now? No, because (1) I have a wonderful son from it and (2) I learned a lot from it. One of the best things I learned was to value myself. To not allow my whole world to revolve around someone else. That I deserve to be equally valued.
This is a horrible disease. Totally agree there. And yes, heartbreaking to see someone we care about going thru it. But please look at how it is affecting you too. Are you going to meetings? Do you have a sponsor? Do you have some of the literature? I really wish I could magically impart what I've learned here to you all in a moment, but of course I can't. All I can do is say what has helped me is reading all that I can, going to as many meetings as I can, and learning to focus on myself rather than on what he is doing, detaching with love (that doesn't mean ignoring him, it means not letting yourself get drawn into his crisis emotionally - and hon, it really sounds like you're drawn in there a whole lot.) We can love them, but we need to learn how to do that in a healthy way so that we aren't drawn down to the depths of despair along with them.
I know and understand you love him. Whatever your choices are, those are your choices to make. (I'm married to an active alcoholic myself.) You do have a friend here who will listen (I'm sure there are many here who will listen and care)... my one main concern is you and your well-being. "my whole world caves in on me"... oh yes, I remember that feeling too. I'm glad you're here and reaching out. I can promise you, if you keep coming and work this program, you will find a whole new world and you'll be okay. You might not be able to see it right now, but it's there. Keep talking to us.
Luv, Kis
(((((((((((Rebecca))))))))
Wish I could be there to give that to you in person. Sounds really familiar to me, too, when I was in my twenties. I loved someone so much I let them almost kill me phsically and mentally. When I found myself on the ground on my back, looking up at the sky, with his hands around my neck, I finally realized that I was worth more than that. I know that isn't exactly what you are facing but I understand the feelings of being so wrapped up in someone else that you don't care for yourself. It's a tough situation to deal with. But you never know what is going to happen from one day to the next. He could turn around tomorrow and get help or he could pass away. The point is you worrying yourself into a frenzy is not going to change him. It is only going to make you sick. Please get to a meeting or call someone, pour your heart out or read to yourself and keep reaching out here. We are here for you always. I will pray for you and hope you find some peace today.
Love Julie
Dear Rebecca,
I'm so, so sorry. I haven't been in this programme long and I'm not sure what words to say to comfort you but I can relate to what you wrote and want to let you know my prayers are with you. I know also struggle with that feeling of helplessness - it's like watching someone drown and not being able to throw them a rope.
For what it is worth whenever possible I try to be grateful for my hp bringing my A into my life because I really do see how it has exposed and forced me to face certain aspects of myself that have been present in all my interactions but never so extremely. Even though I am just starting down this road I am determined that I will be better for this experience.
Try - as hard as it is - to detach and love yourself. You are obviously a very generous and loving person. Your post a few days ago to me gave me much comfort and made me feel understood. Try to turn that love you give so freely to others around and shower a bit of it on yourself.
Good luck. And keep writing. xx
Rebecca: I definitely had very intense relationships when i was in my 20's with people who did alcohol and drugs. In fact when I meet people now if they say they drink alcohol even on a social level my heart lurches because I am at least willing to look for the signs.
How are you taking care of you during this time. Are you eating, are you sleeping. Can you do a first step and turn over the care of your boyfriend to a HP. When I first did that one lonely night when I was as always waiting around for my boyfriend to return home I felt tremendously relieved. For the first time I did not sit up all night in obsession, worry and resentment.
I can imagine that you are devastated that your boyfriend has gone off on this bender and does not seem to be finding his way back. I don't think his going out reflects on your love for him or your commitment to the relationship. Do you? I used to always be saying that if I did more it would help my boyfriend but the irony was only when I started doing less and saying no and saying I was burnt out and had had enough could I start really seeing what my boyfriend was doing all the time (which was lie, cheat, steal and use basically). The issue for me now is not so much about what he is doing but what I am doing and how wel I am taking care of myself. When I am exhausted I acknowledge it now and allow myself the knowledge, when I am angry I allow myself to know it and talk about it at length rather than just let it bottle up.
The paradox here is that when we finally get to admit we are powerless over their disease we actually start to have some power over our lives. How very difficult it is to get to that place of admitting powerlessness it is part of the grief process to get there isn't it denial, anger, bargaining, sadness, acceptance. What stage do you think you are in?
Maresie.