Hi Everyone,

I see a lot of new names so they will not know my story, I think there is a way you can go back and see all the postings.   If you have looked back you can see that we bought this mobile home for our daughter.  she hasn't been getting her alimony from her Ex so we have been paying the lot rent and the loan payment since October.  I wouldn't mind "IF" she was making an effort herself. She has had 4 jobs in 4 months, she starts another one on Monday.  I just don't know what else to do, I've worked steady for 27 years (don't have anything to show for it) I have always put my kids first, I'll be 57 tomorrow and feel tired most of the time, I get up at 3:30 am to go to work.  Christmas she never lifted a finger to help me, I got everything ready for the grandchildren coming, she can only see them with supervision which is my house, she came drunk and had to go home and sleep for a while,  I could go on and on with things she has shown no responsability for but what happened today made me so angry.  She had to go to Legal Aid so she could go to a lawyer to see about the papers to get her alimony from her EX.  She already cancelled one appointment.  I called her from work at 9:30 am she picked up and hung up again, I tried her cell. On my lunch hour I drove to her place, sure enough there she was in bed, still drunk from the night before.  I was so mad, I told her she had 2 months, she either finds a way to pay for this mobile or I'm selling it.  She got all mad, covering her ears. I just said " I'm sick, I have a sore throat I have to work and you can't keep an appointment to get the money that's owed you to  help pay your way and to help me so I don't have to pay your lot rent and loan.  I'm sick of working for nothing especially for someone who won't help themselves.  I'm at work paying your loan and your in bed sleeping of a drunk. I told her she has become selfish and I wasn't doing it any more she had 2 months and that was it we're selling and I left. The only reason I pay the loan and lot rent is that it's in our name. I don't pay anything else for her.

I don't want to do this to her, I love her she's my baby. but I'm getting to tired to work just to keep a roof over her head. She can come home (no drinking though, not here anyway) but I can't keep paying her way. All she has to do is keep her jobs, keep her appointmens to get her money from her EX, is that asking to much or I'm I as mean as I feel right now?

My husband says to sell it, enough is enough.

 Oh by the way he says he's quiting drinking on his 60th birthday which is next week. I hope so anyway at least I won't have that to deal with.

Do you think I'm right?

Sandy

Sandy the A's in our life have to suffer the consequences of their drinking .  You are following al anon by learning not to enable her.  This will only help in your recovery and hopefully your daughter's.  It is so hard being the responsible one all the time and you have a right to your own health and a good quality of life.  At 57 you should not have to be getting up at 3.30am in the morning.  It is time for you to be selfish and put the emphasis on what you need.  Hope this helps a little.  Luv Leo x

You don't have to pay her lot rent, you choose to.  It's in your name, you could sell it.  You don't have to go to work at 3am to pay her bills, you choose to.  You could go to work at 3am and use the money you earn on anything else, if you chose.  We aren't made to be victims of the addicts we love, we choose to be.

Her rent, her custody, her legal appointments.......are all just that, HERS.  You're putting your name on them.  Your choice. 

She can afford to lay in bed all day sleeping off her drunk, she's got you taking care of all her responsibilities for her.  Right down to giving her wake up calls, then driving to her house on your lunch hour when you couldn't reach her by phone.  Again, your choice. 

She has no reason to make an effort to keep a job, keep her appts, be there for her kids....because you're picking up her slack and choosing to suffer her consequences for her.  Enabling.  The number 1 thing that stands in between an addict and the rock bottom they need to hit before THEY desire to stop using.

I'm in no way trying to be mean to you Sandy, I'm just trying to help you look at this from another perspective.  One of choice.

 

hi Sandy

i sympathize with your dilemma i really do, but have you ever heard of the word codependant?  you are your daughters codependant whether you know it or not.  you are not helping her by buying her a home and paying her bills.  you  are helping her stay drunk.  if she had to pay her own way she may get sober but then again maybe she won't.  who knows?  sometimes we have to just say "wait a minute, why should i bother if you don't even want to help yourself?"  i know this is easier said than done and it is hard to see our loved ones suffer.  by standing back and letting her fall a few times might be just the remedy that helps your daughter look at herself and try and get help.  hope i helped in some small way.

((((((Sandie)))))))

First of all, I want you to know that I understand your love for your daughter... I have four children and know that it would be impossible for me to do for each one of them what you have done for your daughter... but even still I do manage to not always keep healthy boundaries with them...I do recognize that my actions from that has come from years of living with the alcoholics in my life (their dads) that could never control the delimas and wrongs of their own life but would be over demanding in dealing with their children.  I ran interferrence to protect the children from the emotional abuse that I was dealing with and couldn't allow the a' to dictate to them when he couldn't even control himself.  Of course, so many times his way of dealing with things totally depended on his mood, not on whether the children were really doing anything different than they had always done.  For the most part, my children have turned out pretty good, not necessarily as successful as I would have liked to see them become, but the offer me alot of love and so far have not become burdens to me.  They range in age 25, 20, 17 and 12.  My 12 year old is right now at that stage of being somewhat rebellious, not doing what he needs to do in school and having to be constantly reminded to do his chores.  He also is getting pretty good at being manipulative when he believes it will benefit him.  I am currently having him tested for ADD, agressive/passive behaviors and making sure he isn't running some of the genetic diseases that I have such as the diabetes and fibromyalgia.  He does have a difficult time standing for long lenghts of time and displays some joint pains, etc, as well as runs high blood levels.  But even with all that, I know that I do not want to create a monster out of him by not helping him learn healthy boundaries.  I do not want to be responsible for his dependence on others and not be able to take action for his own life.  Nor do I want to become a jailer, and rager... did that for too long with the alcoholic. 

A gal at one of my f2f meetings shared last night that only since her mother died last year did she begin to take responsibility for her own life.  Prior to that she was being rude, lazy, not doing community service work, was in and out of trouble constantly.  Today she can see that because her mother is no longer there to enable her behavior.  I look at that myself, and although I don't always "feel" strong enough to deal with all the issues of being a single mother, I realize that I need to pay a bit more attention to what my youngest is dealing with and seek the wisdom to seek the right solution(s).

You have every right to sell what is yours to sell.  We are told that when our children don't seem to have a problem, and we do... we need to re-examine our side of the fence and check our boundaries.  You also have alot on your plate, with your husband and daughter.  One day at a time, healthy boundaries and seeking the solution is what I work through in my life.

Take Care of Yourself!

Cilla

Sandy,

Start living your life for yourself, and let your daughter go. Doing the things for her that you have been doing takes your life and what you have been working for from you, and takes away the dignity from her that every person deserves to live their own life, make their own choices (even bad ones), and decide for themselves what the future will hold.

The exhaustive efforts you are making are clearly not helping your daughter and they are actually hurting you. You sound frustrated, angry, fearful, and sad-- choose for your future to hold good things for yourself, give your daughter to God and let the two of them make the decisions for what her future will hold.

Best of luck and keep coming back,

Emmie

 

Sandy: How very difficult for you to be giving so much and getting nothing in return. How much you must want to give to your grandchildren so that they do not suffer the out of control behavior of your daughter.  I can imagine how successful her manipulations are claiming she is sick when she is hung over.  I can also imagine that you have tried to get her every kind of help you can imagine.  I can also imagine that you are not going to let go out of the clear blue sky.  Practising boundaries in the face of someone as self destructive as an alcoholic in full throttle is like trying to lift the heavy weights when you first go to the gymn. Can you start by not lifting the easy weights, by not driving to the house to pick her up.  If she does not go to her appointments then don't make her.  Find something you can start with do that, own it and then proceed on to the next stage of letting go.  I do think it is a very very difficult task to let go it is not something that comes easily. It is not as though we wake up one day and say Oh I just decided to let go of this.  Like any skill it comes with effort, fine tuning, feedback and more fine tuning. 

Do you do distress tolerance to take care of you. What do you do to take care of you? Do you eat well, do you rest (it is hard to rest when one is worried about someone else) or agitated from chronic resentment. Can you create moments of respite for yourself in the day?  What do you do just for you, are there books  you like to read, things you like to watch on tv.  Think about those and add more to it. Take care of you for a certain amount of time per day then expand on that. Allow yourself that much.

I am so glad that you are here and have some place that you can be honest.  I know how very very hard it is to be honest in my life about how I live, where I live, how I have always lived...

I look forward to getting to know you.

 

Maresie.

 

Sandy,

It is such a hard call being parents. In less than a year we have gone through our emergency funds, made four nine hour trips to close out our son's apartment, made countless phone calls on his behalf, moved furniture down 3 stairs, etc., etc. He doesn't drink but he must have a spending addicition. We believed him when he said he tried to pay his bills and that he never signed up for that plan. We transferred money to him to pay rent and then found receipts for motels and expensive gifts. When we think about it he never really asked for help. He just acted helpless like when his car was repoed. I am 56 years old and I think why am I sleeping on the floor to save the motel expense? Why am I eating fast food and he is eating at Outback? He is my son but I envision a day when I will have to not interact with him until he honors his debt to us. This will be difficult for this mother but we are both in a no win situation. The best to you.

In support,

Nancy

 

Dear Sandy, Empathise - I know that feeling, tired to your bones with it all - and no end in sight. I did roughly the same as you, for years, (my A is my daughter, thankfully, in recovery for over 5 years). What Kathy says is true - at one time, I would have been shocked, and/or offended, to hear it - but it is said with love. You have given her an ultimatum, maybe not the best move, but, it is done, so.... you have to keep to it. A word of hope, I refused to have my daughter home, she had stopped drinking, attended AA, had hepatitus, jaundice, had her gall bladder removed - with complications. She was orange, even her eyes were orange. I was just so beaten down, bone tired, willing to visit, every day, in hospital, but, could not face returning to the same old, same old. She was awarded a public housing flat (demon mother, no support!!!) - and now, over 5 years later, she is still sober..... we each have our programs, it is not an easy path, but, I am very grateful for this program, for the support I have received. Kathy says, you have choices, I know, these are not easy, but, she is correct - you have given daughter an ultimatum - up to you now, to stick with it. It is tough, but, in all honesty, no tougher than keeping on with the old behavior, which drags us down. Keep posting, try to get into chatroom, if you can, and go to face to face if possible. We are on your side, dear girl, you deserve a better life! Lots of love, Flora xxxx