An earlier post topic "feelings" got me to thinking about my approach to Al Anon.

  I had an on again off again 3 mo. relationship with Al Anon and have since been off for 6 months.   I just couldn't figure out  why I was going.  You see, my husband was in recovery and I thought that if he just kept himself on the right track that's all that mattered.  He was very sober and working his program, we were beginning to open up to each other and things just seemed to be getting better all the time.  They are still getting better and we are doing really well.  I have a lot to be grateful for.  There are so many sorrowful stories and as I read them I can truly relate, but it was in my past.  So again...why am I here?  I didn't find Al Anon when my A was actively using so what can I offer?

 Instead of going to Al Anon (because why do I need to look at myself....I'm fine now LOL) I attend open AA speaker meetings with my husband.  Every Sat. at 5:30 we go to this meeting together and sometimes we make a date of it and go to dinner afterwards and just talk....like we haven't talked in years.  Listening to the speakers stories and talking to my husband about what has gone on over the years, where we are now, and where we want our life to go has opened my eyes to alot of things about me.  It WASN'T all TOO shocking, but definitely has set me straight on alot of what I brought to our relationship.  I grew up in an alcoholic family and I learned wonderful co-dependent ways from my mother and I believe there are some definite "isms" in my personality.  I was always wondering what I could bring to Al Anon because my A was recovering and thus "no problems".  I have already been through life with the active A and as much as I denied it had anything to do with how I reacted to my A husband, I grew up around dysfuntion which taught me some very dysfunctional ways to behave.  I need Al Anon because I don't really know what normal is.  I also don't really know myself.    It feels like I have always jumped into other people's lives and did what they did, thought how they thought, liked what they liked just so they would like me.  I  obsess on what others think of me and worry about how I acted with others (did I say the right thing, look the right way, wear the right clothes, act nice enough, smart enough, etc....).  

I'm so glad for this topic becase it helped to clarify something for me.  I DO need Al Anon. 

Even though I don't live with an active A my behaviors have not miraculously disappeared because he no longer uses.

  If I have done nothing to change my earlier nuttiness then it can reappear, right?   My husband and I are in a fairly safe place right now which will be changing at some point this year and I fear that if I don't have the tools to deal with what will come up it may be chaos all over again.  My husband will be returning to work this summer (after a year of disability because of addiction) and I think about, but not obssess over, how he will handle the stress of job hunting, interviewing, but most of all holding down a job.  I know this is in the future and not to worry about tomorrow right now, but rather concentrate on today, but it does scare me some.  And so I am trying to live under the mantra One Day at A Time.  This has helped alot. 

And now it's time to take a good close look at me.  Terrifying!

I just needed to say these things to someone.  Thanks, Michelle 

Michelle,

I really appreciated your post and your reflections of the meaning of Alanon in your life. I, too, have learned those codependent characteristics that you describe and all too easily have jumped in/taken on someone else's life as my own. Through Alanon, the readings, and the meetings, I am slowly learning how to connect more fully with who I am. What a gift! Thanks for your share!

BlueCloud

I used to say I was going to a meeting.  It was strange to get hugs from stangers, yet somehow it was what I needed.  Now I view it as I'm going to meet my friends.  People who will listen, care, share, and most of all not judge but guide me to a good path.  Hopefully, when I'm stronger I can give back what has been so generously given to me. 

I am so glad for you & your spouse.  May you never loose your way again.  But if you do, you know where to find it!  Remember it's not how many times we fall, but that we get up again.