Me again, here again with another huge question but not sure where else to turn. What to do you do when you know your A is lying to you? I guess it doesn't do any good to argue or press them on it but then it doesn't help either if you have to pretend you believe when you don't… it isn't natural.
For the last week I had a feeling my A might be drinking again - nothing solid, just a feeling, a few things that haven't added up, intuition… we just know don't we? But I've been trying to give him the benefit of the doubt and not worry about it. But I have worried about it. Today he phoned to say he was sick with the cold and going to bed to try to get some sleep. I wasn't sure I believed him but I was pleasant and wished him to feel better and that he should phone me later tonight or tomorrow.
Then on my way home from work I was passing near a pub he used to go to a lot. I decided to go in. I'm not sure what made me do it - I just thought it would put my mind at ease - I though it was crazy because even if he were drinking he could be in any of 100 pubs but I just had a feeling so I went in. And sure enough there he was sitting with a pint.
He said today was the first day he has had a drink but I don't believe him. I told him I need to go home and clear my head and that we would talk later. I just don't know what to do. If it is just a slip and he wants to continue treatment I will support him in that but if he is drinking again I want to end it. He knows I'm at the end of my rope with this and what was at stake. I know it is the disease and I shouldn't take it personally it just is hard to see it that he has chosen drink over me.
How do you know when enough is enough? When does being supportive become being ignorant and stop helping? He needs to get to the point where he does the work he needs to do on his own - I just don't know where I fit into it. How can I make decisions when I don't know what the truth is?
Thanks for your insights.
Rebecca said
Jan 6, 2006
hhhhhhhhmmmmmmmm
tough one!
we all have to deal with the lies at some point...we all try and ignore whats staring us n the face alot of the time. the only thing you can do is not get your hopes up..and dont take everything your "A" says as fact. Actions speak louder than words.
if he is doing his treatment..and DRINKING...then he's fooling no one but himself.
my "A" has been in rehab over 18 times.... each time saying..."that was the last time..im never going in there again...i know what i have to do".....
each time... he went drinking again..eventually.
i was lucky enough not to know him for the first 17 times he went in. as he was clean and sober when i met him and started our relationship..i never had to deal with that kind of life....until august of last year when it all kicked off. he did his treatment... didnt complete it though.... hes out now since the 2nd week of december and has only been to ONE AA meeting.....
YEA exactly!.... relapse central...here we come!
the lies, deceit and cheating come as a package...i believe...but thats just what i have witnessed in my own case...when the drink comes...the love is blocked.
going to rehab.. to me...means nothing...thats just a place..its not a magical place where he's automatically better when he comes out.... but i do hope your "A" goes in... even if it just gives you a break.
you have to look after you....i know.. its alot easier said than done.
remember we are always here.we are your 2nd family........
post as often as you like...
xxx rebecca
sas said
Jan 6, 2006
Hi cullyvan,
it seems like a never ending set of questions and problems with our A's, doesn't it? One thing I learned in Al Anon is that the A is not choosing alcohol. The disease has control over them and as I have read in many post they, the A, must hit a point where they are no longer willing to live any lower than they are right now. Someone asked a very good question in another post "Are you willing to accept him exactly how he is right now." Sometimes letting go leads to better things in the long run. There is nothing we can make the A do. All we can do is do what WE need to do. If there is great distress because of his alcoholic behavior than what can be done to eleviate some of it? Meetings, prayer, talking with others, understanding we CAN'T change it...it is what it is, focus on ourselves, take care of our own business, we are powerless over our A, set your boundries and stick to them ( which could mean separation from the A).
My prayers are with you during this trying time. Michelle
captcodee said
Jan 6, 2006
Here's my take.
Usually when I have a "feeling" that my alcoholic/addict husband is back at it, i am usually right.
With the guidance of my sponsor and HP i have come to realize that his drinking/drugging does not have to have an adverse effect on me. I can choose how, when and IF i react to this information.
I usually feel worse than he does when I make a big deal out of it. Now, when he is out using and has failed on his responsibilities, I have alternate plans. ALWAYS have alternate plans.
WHen he is scheduled to be home to watch the kids, I make sure that I am available, or other family members are available.
If supper is scheduled, and he doesn't show up, I eat without him. If we have a date, and he is late, I go without him. Even if it is to supper, I just take my kids, and tell them that Dad isn't coming, i want to go on a date, and I want them to be my dates.
You wouldn't beleive the good times that I haven't missed now because i have adopted that method.
My husband knows he has a problem, so do i. We have taken the measures we feel are important to make sure that things don't get too unreal. He voluntarly gave me his bank card, with full access to his money. He voluntarly asked to get $XX/pay for his own personal use. I can't decide how he is going to spend it.
By chosing to remain with the alcoholic, i have had to make some concessions. I have accepted the fact that I probably will NEVER get a gift or flowers, cause his money is in my control... :) I have also accepted that we can not go to work functions where there is alcohol together, because he makes a scene. (well, so do I as a reaction to his reactions... gotta grow there still...LOL)
Anyhow, only you know what you can handle, and what you can't. Remember, there is nothing we can do to bring on sobriety, that is in god's hands. I make the daily choice that just for today, I will let him go, and "love him anyways". Many people wouldn't choose my life, but then again, I probably wouldn't choose theirs. I have faith that this is an investment of my time. No matter how it turns out.
Good luck.
Aron
confused said
Jan 6, 2006
The last few months for me have been exactly what you were talking about. That gut feeling, the intuition. We just know... I realized that knowing was not going to change anything, asking about it wasn't either... he would just lie anyway. So I protected myself from that. I just went about my business...I could not control the deciet, lies by ommission, but I could control whether or not he had the opportunity to out and out lie to my face, and I was not going to put myself through that anymore... Well, I did say something one time and felt that spin out of control thing happening in me and just stopped... I looked him square in the face and said, "you know what, it doesn't even matter... because if you are drinking and using, your disease will take over, spin out of control and there will be no lying about it then" It took about two months, i did not search for "proof", I did not confront him each and every time I knew.... I just waited. I figured either it would go out of control or he would show signs of recovery...It spun out of control, he ended up hospitalized and I told him he could not come home. I cannot do this anymore, not now. I do not want to be the judge, jury, detective ..... I want to be a wife, a mom, a teacher. When his recovery, if that is what he chooses, is more stable, then we can talk about him coming home. I have yet to really pin point what that will look like, and fortunately at this time he is not pressuring me. So I take one day at a time. I talk to him daily, have seen him a few times since he has been out of the hospital, but I am trying not to get caught up i what he is doing. If I do , I know I will over analyze it all, project, obsess and all that stuff I hate doing, but my own disease causes me to do. I needed to get off the roller coaster and at least for now I am. I am certainly on a different ride in the park , and not out for a leisurely stroll, but the ride is a little bit calmer.
Jill said
Jan 6, 2006
Can you leave it alone? If he's drinking, that's his business. You may not want to ride if he's behind the wheel, you may not want to put yourself in his social path, you may want to detatch with love. For me, I sometimes can't shut up about it, but I've never had a better day because I talked to my husband about my knowledge that he's drinking. I just don't go there anymore when I'm working my own program. Life is better for me then.
He'll find his way or he won't. I can't be his jailer. I don't look anymore cuz I won't like what I find. if I'm wrong about him, i'm happy to be wrong. Just my experience--- Jill
KathyS said
Jan 7, 2006
I still struggle with this issue. When I know my A is lying to me there are times I'm not sure what if anything to do with that knowledge. Pre program I would go to the ends of the earth to prove to him that I knew he was lying. I'd exert alot of effort to prove I was right.
As I started working the program and my focus began to shift from him to myself, I asked myself why I bothered? I knew he was lying, He knew he was lying.......so why did I feel the need to make sure HE knew that *I* knew. In working step 4 I realized it was my pride. I didn't want him to think I was stupid, or that he was slick enough to put something over on me. It came down to it wasn't really about him at all, it was about me. I always worried how people perceived me. Always the people pleaser wanting desperately to feel approved. That's why I was in constant conflict over his lies. Do I confront him and risk his disapproval? Or do I pretend that I believed him and risk looking stupid or gullible?
I came to a point where what others thought of me became less and less important. More important became what I thought of myself. How comfortable I was with my choices and actions day by day. That's what I began to focus on. Once I did...........whether he knew I knew he was lying became less and less important to me. I knew what I knew and he couldn't take that away from me, unless I let him.
Me again, here again with another huge question but not sure where else to turn.
What to do you do when you know your A is lying to you? I guess it doesn't do any good to argue or press them on it but then it doesn't help either if you have to pretend you believe when you don't… it isn't natural.
For the last week I had a feeling my A might be drinking again - nothing solid, just a feeling, a few things that haven't added up, intuition… we just know don't we? But I've been trying to give him the benefit of the doubt and not worry about it. But I have worried about it. Today he phoned to say he was sick with the cold and going to bed to try to get some sleep. I wasn't sure I believed him but I was pleasant and wished him to feel better and that he should phone me later tonight or tomorrow.
Then on my way home from work I was passing near a pub he used to go to a lot. I decided to go in. I'm not sure what made me do it - I just thought it would put my mind at ease - I though it was crazy because even if he were drinking he could be in any of 100 pubs but I just had a feeling so I went in. And sure enough there he was sitting with a pint.
He said today was the first day he has had a drink but I don't believe him. I told him I need to go home and clear my head and that we would talk later. I just don't know what to do. If it is just a slip and he wants to continue treatment I will support him in that but if he is drinking again I want to end it. He knows I'm at the end of my rope with this and what was at stake. I know it is the disease and I shouldn't take it personally it just is hard to see it that he has chosen drink over me.
How do you know when enough is enough? When does being supportive become being ignorant and stop helping? He needs to get to the point where he does the work he needs to do on his own - I just don't know where I fit into it. How can I make decisions when I don't know what the truth is?
Thanks for your insights.
hhhhhhhhmmmmmmmm
tough one!
we all have to deal with the lies at some point...we all try and ignore whats staring us n the face alot of the time. the only thing you can do is not get your hopes up..and dont take everything your "A" says as fact. Actions speak louder than words.
if he is doing his treatment..and DRINKING...then he's fooling no one but himself.
my "A" has been in rehab over 18 times.... each time saying..."that was the last time..im never going in there again...i know what i have to do".....
each time... he went drinking again..eventually.
i was lucky enough not to know him for the first 17 times he went in. as he was clean and sober when i met him and started our relationship..i never had to deal with that kind of life....until august of last year when it all kicked off. he did his treatment... didnt complete it though.... hes out now since the 2nd week of december and has only been to ONE AA meeting.....
YEA exactly!.... relapse central...here we come!
the lies, deceit and cheating come as a package...i believe...but thats just what i have witnessed in my own case...when the drink comes...the love is blocked.
going to rehab.. to me...means nothing...thats just a place..its not a magical place where he's automatically better when he comes out.... but i do hope your "A" goes in... even if it just gives you a break.
you have to look after you....i know.. its alot easier said than done.
remember we are always here.we are your 2nd family........
post as often as you like...
xxx rebecca
Hi cullyvan,
it seems like a never ending set of questions and problems with our A's, doesn't it? One thing I learned in Al Anon is that the A is not choosing alcohol. The disease has control over them and as I have read in many post they, the A, must hit a point where they are no longer willing to live any lower than they are right now. Someone asked a very good question in another post "Are you willing to accept him exactly how he is right now." Sometimes letting go leads to better things in the long run. There is nothing we can make the A do. All we can do is do what WE need to do. If there is great distress because of his alcoholic behavior than what can be done to eleviate some of it? Meetings, prayer, talking with others, understanding we CAN'T change it...it is what it is, focus on ourselves, take care of our own business, we are powerless over our A, set your boundries and stick to them ( which could mean separation from the A).
My prayers are with you during this trying time. Michelle
Here's my take.
Usually when I have a "feeling" that my alcoholic/addict husband is back at it, i am usually right.
With the guidance of my sponsor and HP i have come to realize that his drinking/drugging does not have to have an adverse effect on me. I can choose how, when and IF i react to this information.
I usually feel worse than he does when I make a big deal out of it. Now, when he is out using and has failed on his responsibilities, I have alternate plans. ALWAYS have alternate plans.
WHen he is scheduled to be home to watch the kids, I make sure that I am available, or other family members are available.
If supper is scheduled, and he doesn't show up, I eat without him. If we have a date, and he is late, I go without him. Even if it is to supper, I just take my kids, and tell them that Dad isn't coming, i want to go on a date, and I want them to be my dates.
You wouldn't beleive the good times that I haven't missed now because i have adopted that method.
My husband knows he has a problem, so do i. We have taken the measures we feel are important to make sure that things don't get too unreal. He voluntarly gave me his bank card, with full access to his money. He voluntarly asked to get $XX/pay for his own personal use. I can't decide how he is going to spend it.
By chosing to remain with the alcoholic, i have had to make some concessions. I have accepted the fact that I probably will NEVER get a gift or flowers, cause his money is in my control... :) I have also accepted that we can not go to work functions where there is alcohol together, because he makes a scene. (well, so do I as a reaction to his reactions... gotta grow there still...LOL)
Anyhow, only you know what you can handle, and what you can't. Remember, there is nothing we can do to bring on sobriety, that is in god's hands. I make the daily choice that just for today, I will let him go, and "love him anyways". Many people wouldn't choose my life, but then again, I probably wouldn't choose theirs. I have faith that this is an investment of my time. No matter how it turns out.
Good luck.
Aron
Can you leave it alone? If he's drinking, that's his business. You may not want to ride if he's behind the wheel, you may not want to put yourself in his social path, you may want to detatch with love. For me, I sometimes can't shut up about it, but I've never had a better day because I talked to my husband about my knowledge that he's drinking. I just don't go there anymore when I'm working my own program. Life is better for me then.
He'll find his way or he won't. I can't be his jailer. I don't look anymore cuz I won't like what I find. if I'm wrong about him, i'm happy to be wrong. Just my experience--- Jill
I still struggle with this issue. When I know my A is lying to me there are times I'm not sure what if anything to do with that knowledge. Pre program I would go to the ends of the earth to prove to him that I knew he was lying. I'd exert alot of effort to prove I was right.
As I started working the program and my focus began to shift from him to myself, I asked myself why I bothered? I knew he was lying, He knew he was lying.......so why did I feel the need to make sure HE knew that *I* knew. In working step 4 I realized it was my pride. I didn't want him to think I was stupid, or that he was slick enough to put something over on me. It came down to it wasn't really about him at all, it was about me. I always worried how people perceived me. Always the people pleaser wanting desperately to feel approved. That's why I was in constant conflict over his lies. Do I confront him and risk his disapproval? Or do I pretend that I believed him and risk looking stupid or gullible?
I came to a point where what others thought of me became less and less important. More important became what I thought of myself. How comfortable I was with my choices and actions day by day. That's what I began to focus on. Once I did...........whether he knew I knew he was lying became less and less important to me. I knew what I knew and he couldn't take that away from me, unless I let him.
I hope this helps.