Hi - I'm new to this group.  Need some advice.  I'm involved with an alcoholic.  I've recently started going to Al-Anon and I think it is going to help a lot but I'm rather shy and am not comfortable calling up members of the group to talk to at yet even though there are a few things I'm grappling with.

My partner is currently not drinking (as far as I know) for about five weeks.  Five weeks ago was another big crisis --> break up ---> make up, which seems to be a pattern.  The difference is that this time he admitted he was an alcoholic and promised to get treatment (with my help) and that he realized he couldn't drink at all (before he just promised to cut back etc).  He even went to two (yes only two) AA meetings.  Now he hasn't gone back for several weeks.  When I question him about it he says that he will go when he feels like drinking but for the moment he doesn't feel like drinking so doesn't feel like he needs to go.

Well, I fully know that's bollocks.  He may not be drinking at the moment but it doesn't just go away.  If it is a disease (and I believe it is) then it must be treated.  If you have cancer you get treatment even if you feel okay for the moment.

The problem is that all I've heard through Al-Anon and read about codependency leads me to believe that I shouldn't push him into going. He must decide on his own and if he doesn't then he will have to suffer the consequences etc.  That I must let go, detach and focus on myself.

But another issue that is factoring into my worry is that he might possibly be staying with me from the end of the month depending on what happens with his job.  I initially said this would be okay if he wasn't drinking - now I'm worried because considering he isn't really pursuing treatment I think the chances are very high that he will relapse.
While living separately (we used to live together but I moved out because of his alcoholic behavior) at least I have someplace to escape to if things go wrong again, which based on historical fact seems likely.

On the other hand, if I broach the subject with him now saying that I'm concerned about his moving in because he isn't going to treatment I'm afraid it will have the same effect of nagging him to go to AA.  In fact, he may start going just to make me feel better but it won't stick.

I really don't know what to do.
I really love this man.  I want him to get better but I'm really loosing faith in him and am not sure he is going to be able to do what he needs to in order to get there.  Furthermore, I am realizing that I can't do it for him and my constant taking him back and deal making may not be helping but just prolonging him from getting to 'bottom'.

Thanks to anyone who can help me get some perspective on this.

Hi and welcome :) You are correct in your thinking that chances are slim to none that he will recover without a program such as AA. He may be sober but that is a long way from recovered. There are reasons, hurt, pain etc. that he chose to drink and try to drown them, until he comes to terms with those things he will have the same behaviors. As far as him moving in..First, NO is a complete sentence if you are having doubts. Otherwise, I would suggest that if you let him move in you set some boundaries for yourself. These are not rules for him, they are for you. It is your home so saying "You may not stay here if you drink" is perfectly fair for your own well being. Along with a boundary you need a consequence if the boundary is broken. Perhaps an agreement that he will leave w/o question if he chooses to drink may work for you. We have a saying in Alanon..Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean. (and stick with it). The bottom line is the decision is yours, you just need to feel good about what road you choose. Because YOU are who matters. Christy

hey cullyvan

im 24 and my ex boyf. is an alcoholic and drug addict.

i didnt have a clue what to expect when i logged on to this website but id be lost without it. i didnt have a clue about this whole disease at all. i met my "A" when he was clean and sober for 18 mths. we went out for a year and a half and all was well. we had a great laugh together and i found my soulmate. he set up his own business, we moved in together and i thought life couldnt get any better.

he was going to AA meetings twice a week at the start of our relationship then he cut it down completely. to NIL. thats when the trouble started. i nagged. his scumbag friends came out of rehabs and prison and tracked him down..(he had re-located) and that was the start of our end.

he started hanging out with them again..they started calling to our apartment etc... hookers numbers turned up in his phone.. he stayed out all night.. he was swallowing pills morning, noon and night. thats when i packed up and moved out.

he came to me about 3 weeks after his drinking spree started...i begged him to go to rehab... he went to detox for 3 days..discharged himself and went drinking again.... false promises.

he has since been to rehab...(didnt stay the full programme though) and is at home with his family. they want him out soon so he is currently looking for a house. he has been sober for 13 weeks. we have talked, cried together, talked sme more.... but the trust is gone. he knows that.

i cant believe him. he tells me he loves me... i cant believe it. i kept thinking..if he loved me he wudn't have done this to me...broken my heart. i was sooo anxious, depressed, afraid, alone, physically sik etc... that i couldnt function.

he has only gone to 1 AA meeting since coming out of rehab...i cant control him so what he does is up to him...they are his choices... these men arent stupid...they know what they have to do..but if they arent ready then they arent ready..its as simple as that.

it is inevitable that relapses will occur...if AA meetings and counselling sessions arent part of their wekly scheduale. i love my "A"...but i just cant live with him.

im his friend...he needs a real one. im IT.

cully... we are always here for you. read some of my previous posts.... you will s how sad...angry...hurt and alone i felt i thought i was the only person ever to go through this.

i have more true friends in here who understand me than i have in my own area.

stay strong cully......

look after yourself first, if your own personal space would be a "fear ground" for you if your "A" stayed then dont put yourself throu that. let your "A"'s HP take care of him. you are NOT RESPONSIBLE for him or his happiness.

luv rebecca xxx

I feel like seeting boundaries is NOT nagging. However, it's I also think it's not right to go changing the rules. And I think it's not fair to him to expect him to screw up. These are, of course, only my opinions. If I were in the situation, I would stick to my guns. I would create a time limit say, "You can stay with me for one month if you are not drinking and at the end of a month we can renegotiate another time limit." And yes, I would say that he needs to agree to leave immediately without discussion if he drinks again. By setting a time limit this also keeps him from feeling TOO TOO comfortable and maybe take advantage of your kindness. 

Hi cullyvan and I am glad your here.  I'm new too so what I have to say is coming from a "greenie".  First of all it sounds like you have the right ideas.  Set boundries for yourself and take care of yourself.  You are going to meetings and have found this board, both GOOD FOR YOU. 

When I was faced with a similar situation it was for me either go to rehab or I want a divorce.  An ultimatum, but it was all I had at the time; I didn't know what else to do.  Treatment was mentioned many times over several years and he always refused it.  We were stuck in a really bad co-dependant/alcoholic relationship.  Just classic.  I am glad that he gave up trying to control his disease and gave into something different by going to treatment.  He was there for 3 months.  Since "graduating" from rehab he has gone to an AA meeting everyday (all save maybe 3-4), attends individual counseling twice a month and attends a relapse prevention group 4 times a month.  He has a great sponsor (and from what I understand this is critical in working a really good program in AA; find a sponsor even a temporary one ASAP) and his sponsor keeps him working.  We have set up a relapse plan in case this should happen and it could.  For us it would mean he would go right back to rehab for evaluation and another stay. Together we attend an open AA speaker meeting every Sat. and I am FINALLY giving myself to the Al Anon program.  I "dabbled" in it  for a few months after he got out of treatment, but I could not figure out why I was there.  I know now it was fear keeping me away.  I didn't want to look at myself and make that 4th step fearless moral inventory.  

ANyway, I think I am a little off track now, but I like to share what I feel is good things coming from the programs.....the promises are beginning to be answered.   I think everyone has had wonderful things to say regarding this topic and so you wonder what to do; I say listen to the winners.  There is mounds of hope here.  In closing my last thoughts would be:  take care of yourself and do what you feel comfortable doing (ex.  set boundries - it's ok to do that), pray for your A.  Oh, and if/ when he gets back to the program I would he would get a sponsor.  You can also go to the open AA meetings with him.  They are very enlightening as well.

God Bless you and what I love to hear to remind me what to do....."Keep coming back!"

Take care of you,

Michelle

From my own personal experience with my A I wouldn't push the issue.  It seemed the more I pushed him to go to NA the more he rebelled against the idea.  The more he rebelled the more I pushed and it accomplished nothing.

I know how hard it is to try to make long term plans and commitments with an active A.  If you are basing your future together on him being clean and sober.......you may be setting yourself up for a huge dissapointment.

My suggestion would be to ask yourself honestly if nothing changes as far as his drinking and that area stays the same, under those circumstances do you want to live together with him?  He won't seek recovery until he is ready.  Until he suffers enough negative consequences from his drinking that he wants to change.  Until he is utterly sick and tired of being sick and tired.  Once that happens then they go after their recovery with the same intensity that they've gone after their drinking/drugs with in the past.  His words won't tell you when he's at that point, only his actions will.

This program recommends not making any major changes or decisions until you've been working on your own recovery for 6 months, unless of course there's physical or other kinds of abuse in the relationship.  If it's possible to take that much time to make your decision than waiting might be a good idea.  Pray on it.

Thank you all so much for your replies.

I can't tell you how much it helps (and probably don't have to as you probably know for yourself) to have someone understand and be able to talk to about this stuff.

I really am sick and tired of being sick and tired and truly genuinely want to do the 'right' thing whatever that is and remain loving and compassionate to myself and my 'A'.

I'm so grateful to have found this board.  Thank you, truly.