i know my posts of late have been reflective of my grief....well yeah,   comming to terms with the total loss IS a hard thing to accept......but there IS more to me than just that....i CAN forgive...i CAN give up resentments....i CAN do more than just be angry at my perp....sure!!! till i get 56 years of  suppressed anger/grief/pain discharged from me??? yeah, its going to come out....i have only been here for 2 years, and i think i am progressing good.....who ELSE could do this any faster???  be past  5 DECADES  of suppressed outrage and grief???? i also have to grief that my recovery is taking longer than i had hoped....this fact is one of the reason why i have changed my  **expectations**      ALL the books i have read on this  "forgiveness" thing say the same thing   it aint gonna happen until  ALL the  anger/rage/grief/pain are worked THROUGH....forgiveness is a "by product" of recovery....it is NOT necessary for recovery...i WILL recover   IF i work the program....REprogram me to love me/  take care of me  and let GO what i cannot control....praying for someone who is already dead and condemned is a waste.....     HOWEVER, i did  do something with my oldest brother who hates my guts...treats me like dirt....condemns me for  erasing the name of my rapist off me......i did this......i merely  asked the universe to REVEAL love and tolerence to this bitter man who drinks at least a six pack per day....i mean it was simple and basic...i gave him over to his higher power and just said  "teach this man about love and tolerence...give him the lessons he needs to find love and tolerence"   i do agree about what someone said about UNrealistic expectations.....since i dropped  UNrealistic expectations  i am less resentful....even about my perp......how does one  **expect** evil to be good???  well i was a child and even tho i had the RIGHT to expect him to  love me/ protect me/ nurture me/ give me a good start in life, etc.....i see now it was UNrealistic to expect an evil man, devoid of the "light"  in his soul to be anything but a degenerate......so the resentment IS going away.....   i think the WHOLE bottom line for me was the **expectations** that did not come true and now i am sitting with the reality of my life......i read the bible and **expected** god to  "recompense me the years the locust and canker worm ate"    i did not understand that it,  in my eyes, anyway, was for the AFTER life....i did not understand that god does not interfer in issues of "natural law"  spirit law? yeah, i kinda think so......   reading the bible, and thinking it is for THIS life, i **expected**  my life to be recompensed....the lost love..the lost opportunities...the lost oppportunity to ever retire....the lost security...the lost emotional/financial suppourt/security ......it didn't happen and i got resentful at god...i knew i had to change my perspective of god as to what he/she/it  does with/for me...   so i put up the bible and began reading metaphysics and eastern teachings......to me???  i can do much to LOVE me...CARE for me.....make FRIENDS with me.....make better DECISIONS.....make healther CHOICES.....TREAT me better.......i can do that and ONLY that.......so i will take that football and run with it.....this program ONLY promises that we can become more integrated and loving with ourselves.....ANYthing outside of our immediate skin , to me, is UNrealistic to expect things that are OUTside of my control/ power.....so i gave UP my hopes of a mate....my hopes of retiring......i let them GO!!! it is not doable under my own power....and so NO expectations.......if the universe has something in mind?? fine!!! if not??? i do not have **expectations** of anything outside of my own power/ scope....   to me UNrealistic expectations are premeditated resentments........i **expected** my oldest brother to support me in  wanting to get rid of the last name of my rapist....he did not...i got resentful until i saw that it was UNrealistic to expect this bitter/ hateful man to be anything ELSE....so i gave him to his hp, and ASKED for him to be "schooled in  love and tolerence"  to help him be released of this.......   it is UNrealistic of me to expect things that are NOT doable under my own power,  so now i let them go.....end result???   LESS resentment.....   i am in DEEP grieving now,  but i see progress....i am becomming more at peace at being alone.....i am NOT expecting people who are NOT there for me to be there for me......i do not expect  known liars to tell me the truth.....i CHANGED my **expectations** and thus i am not so resentful at all......i don't even **resent** my perp anymore......forgive him???  i am not required to forgive  those who sell out to the demons......but i AM required to  work through all my pain.....TOTAL honesty with me and my higher self, and to make amends with my inner child for walking away from her when the incest was going on.....which i am......my grief is from  becomming REALLY aware,  OUT of denial about  my lost life....i am in mourning....anyone in my shoes would be in mourning.....it goes away ONLY in time and  loving care of me BY me......   i hope this made sense......rosie

(((((Rosie)))))

((Rosie))  I am so happy for you that the resentment is getting lighter.  All you can do is work on you & that is what you're doing.  You deserve your own good strong love & it sounds like you are doing just that.

By the time I was 16, I had runaway three different times.  That same yr in my rage, I got emanicpated & changed my last name, to "divorce" from my mother.  She recently told me how much this hurt her back then, I just told her I was very hurt & angry.  When I was 17 I left for over a year.  But I tried to take actions for myself at that time to give me strength.  Like changing my name, I was reaching out to her & she never wanted to deal with anything.  So I was trying to be my own person.

On Sunday, I spent most of the day in deep contemplation, hearing a friend's loss over 4 women being killed NYE by a drunk driver.  It made me realize that I am not working on myself hard enough or that I could be doing much more and that I have to stop reaching out to my parent's.  Neither one of them want to face themselves.  When you walk around for 25 yrs trying to express yourself & all you ever get back is "you're complaining all the time" ~ never being understood, I just have to give it up.

She doesn't want to face her feelings, why would I think she would ever care about how I feel.  I give up that expectation, it was insanity! 

Thanks for your powerful & honest ESH, I always am moved or get something out of them.

love ya kid, -K   

 

kitty_____________When you walk around for 25 yrs trying to express yourself & all you ever get back is "you're complaining all the time" ~ never being understood, I just have to give it up.

She doesn't want to face her feelings, why would I think she would ever care about how I feel.  I give up that expectation, it was insanity! 

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rosie>>>>yep, its like you feel like you are  "doo dooing" against the tide...it just keeps getting thrown back at ya.......when i gave up my UNrealistic expectations, i felt  , actually FELT lighter......i am glad U R seeing that U have to love U,  and U are the one who isn't EVER gonna leave U....same for me....same for anyone....people come and go out of our lives....some leave good memories, some bad...but they all teach.........  all i know is, when the s*** is hitting the fan,  i am the best friend i got!!!!!    love ya (((kitty))))  / R