So many times we have heard that the A has to hit a bottom to change. But for those of us who are so affected by this hideous disease - we to must reach a bottom before we really start to change things in our lives. I recently have had that happen to me.
Last week I posted of my accomplishments of not reacting to my husbands behaviors when we went out to dinner. I felt really good about it. Unfortunatly it was short lived, as I completely lost it over the entire incident the following night. The feelings of fear over his reckless driving and the embarrassment over his in public humiliation of me took hold. At this point I made no bones about telling my husband what a miserable person I thought he was over and over. Somewhere in my head thinking the words and actions I used would make him feel something that he would never feel - remorse. As a result I ended up alone for the evening, never had dinner, and was hoarse and tired in the end.
Having had a few days to think about things - I realize what a scene I made over what - something he has no control over. I however, have control over my actions and words. I am not proud of what I did but it did bring me to where I am today. Unwillingness to become a victim again to active disease. Unwillingness to be a doormat. I am better than all of that. I am not a victim if I choose not to be. So last night I took steps to empower myself. I enrolled in a class at the local college. I have been talking for a while now about going into nursing - so that is what I am going to shoot for. If I am not accepted into the nursing program - I will accept it as HP's will for me and look elsewhere in the medical field. I have options in this program. I will not condemn myself for what I did wrong - I will take measures to keep it from happening again. I will work on me and have a program Just for Today.
Thank you all for your support each and everyday. It is through this support and ES & H that I am able to become aware of my own.
Karen
just me said
Jan 5, 2006
((((((Karen)))))
If you only knew how many times I have done the same exact thing. Screaming and yelling and anger and resentment was my part of this horrible disease. Good for you to have realized so quickly how to turn it around today. You have given me hope. Just for today I will have a program too.
Thanks for your share!
Julia
doxie said
Jan 5, 2006
All the talk we do about living the alanon code, it is still hard when it happens and we have to do it isn't it?
I had a reminder in the last couple of days also. Tested is what it feels like. I worked hard at not freaking out also. But it is incredibly hard isn't it?
Thanks for the reminder of the fact that it is a disease. I needed to hear that again.
I think it is great that you enrolled in nursing school. That is so cool. It must feel wonderful!
Yes it is a disease, but we have to make sure we don't succomb to it also. Keep taking care of yourself.
Thanks for the post.
Doxie
rosie light shines said
Jan 5, 2006
alanomL_________So many times we have heard that the A has to hit a bottom to change. But for those of us who are so affected by this hideous disease - we to must reach a bottom before we really start to change things in our lives. I recently have had that happen to me.
__________________________________
rosie......yep, when i hit bottom, REALLY admitted my powerlessness over the effects of the abuse in my life, i began to see things i needed to change.....i didn't get any miracle or anything like that but i got a whole BUNCH of releasing the bad karma and the freedom/ openess to make good karma in my life......i had the alcoholism AND the other abuse.....and my "will" to fight it/ resist it/ protect/ try and control may have served me back than, but now???? i think these things kept me from seeing that OUTside of my OWN skin..i am POWERLESS......i think admitting / accepting defeat is the only way to find victory......thanks for the share.....rosie
Emafer said
Jan 5, 2006
I hit bottom about 2 years ago.
My boyfriend at the time had what I now know was an affair. This "Friend" of his flew into town, insulted my and our relationship. After she left I told her that I didn't want him to ahve any contact with her again. I thought that he'd respected my wishes. One night we we at a very large galley opening with several celeberities and respected artists etc. I found a Christmas present from her in his car. I flipped out. I made a HUGE scene. It started with me just walking around and quietly crying. Then he finally said something and I started yelling. It was like I ould hardly hear the words comming out of my mouth. I remember my entire body being so rigid and I was absolutely bawling. He couldn't understand WHY I was upset. He treated me like the "hysterical woman." I told him over and over in different analogies and in different way and he STILL couldn't understand why I was upset that he had accepts a Christmas present from a women who had soooo deeply insulted me.
I stayed with him a while longer. There were kids involved. But not long after that I very quietly and calmly detatched from his life and his children.
So many times we have heard that the A has to hit a bottom to change. But for those of us who are so affected by this hideous disease - we to must reach a bottom before we really start to change things in our lives. I recently have had that happen to me.
Last week I posted of my accomplishments of not reacting to my husbands behaviors when we went out to dinner. I felt really good about it. Unfortunatly it was short lived, as I completely lost it over the entire incident the following night. The feelings of fear over his reckless driving and the embarrassment over his in public humiliation of me took hold. At this point I made no bones about telling my husband what a miserable person I thought he was over and over. Somewhere in my head thinking the words and actions I used would make him feel something that he would never feel - remorse. As a result I ended up alone for the evening, never had dinner, and was hoarse and tired in the end.
Having had a few days to think about things - I realize what a scene I made over what - something he has no control over. I however, have control over my actions and words. I am not proud of what I did but it did bring me to where I am today. Unwillingness to become a victim again to active disease. Unwillingness to be a doormat. I am better than all of that. I am not a victim if I choose not to be. So last night I took steps to empower myself. I enrolled in a class at the local college. I have been talking for a while now about going into nursing - so that is what I am going to shoot for. If I am not accepted into the nursing program - I will accept it as HP's will for me and look elsewhere in the medical field. I have options in this program. I will not condemn myself for what I did wrong - I will take measures to keep it from happening again. I will work on me and have a program Just for Today.
Thank you all for your support each and everyday. It is through this support and ES & H that I am able to become aware of my own.
Karen
((((((Karen)))))
If you only knew how many times I have done the same exact thing. Screaming and yelling and anger and resentment was my part of this horrible disease. Good for you to have realized so quickly how to turn it around today. You have given me hope. Just for today I will have a program too.
Thanks for your share!
Julia
All the talk we do about living the alanon code, it is still hard when it happens and we have to do it isn't it?
I had a reminder in the last couple of days also. Tested is what it feels like. I worked hard at not freaking out also. But it is incredibly hard isn't it?
Thanks for the reminder of the fact that it is a disease. I needed to hear that again.
I think it is great that you enrolled in nursing school. That is so cool. It must feel wonderful!
Yes it is a disease, but we have to make sure we don't succomb to it also. Keep taking care of yourself.
Thanks for the post.
Doxie
alanomL_________So many times we have heard that the A has to hit a bottom to change. But for those of us who are so affected by this hideous disease - we to must reach a bottom before we really start to change things in our lives. I recently have had that happen to me.
__________________________________
rosie......yep, when i hit bottom, REALLY admitted my powerlessness over the effects of the abuse in my life, i began to see things i needed to change.....i didn't get any miracle or anything like that but i got a whole BUNCH of releasing the bad karma and the freedom/ openess to make good karma in my life......i had the alcoholism AND the other abuse.....and my "will" to fight it/ resist it/ protect/ try and control may have served me back than, but now???? i think these things kept me from seeing that OUTside of my OWN skin..i am POWERLESS......i think admitting / accepting defeat is the only way to find victory......thanks for the share.....rosie
I hit bottom about 2 years ago.
My boyfriend at the time had what I now know was an affair. This "Friend" of his flew into town, insulted my and our relationship. After she left I told her that I didn't want him to ahve any contact with her again. I thought that he'd respected my wishes. One night we we at a very large galley opening with several celeberities and respected artists etc. I found a Christmas present from her in his car. I flipped out. I made a HUGE scene. It started with me just walking around and quietly crying. Then he finally said something and I started yelling. It was like I ould hardly hear the words comming out of my mouth. I remember my entire body being so rigid and I was absolutely bawling. He couldn't understand WHY I was upset. He treated me like the "hysterical woman." I told him over and over in different analogies and in different way and he STILL couldn't understand why I was upset that he had accepts a Christmas present from a women who had soooo deeply insulted me.
I stayed with him a while longer. There were kids involved. But not long after that I very quietly and calmly detatched from his life and his children.