My therapist tells me that I am attracted to men who are emotionally unavailable.  Looking at my dating history, I know that is true.

I took a six month break from dating after I broke up an A.  I have been working really hard on improving myself and I want to choose healthier people to date.

There is someone I really like right now, but I don't know if he's just another one who is going to keep me in this viscious cycle because I am still hanging on to my old thoughts.  I tend to get attached very quickly, and I am trying to not do that. I am doing this guessing game with myself about this guy to see if I should break it off before I get hurt.

I want to get it right. All of my girlfriends are getting married, and I can't even find the right guy to date!

MollyAnn

 

If you can't decide whether you are coming at this from a healthy perspective or not, this is a good sign that you are not ready yet. There is no hurry here, no deadline. If you are worried about your 'biological clock', getting older and still single, etc. then stop and think for a minute. Once you are married, have a couple of kids with a guy, it's a lot harder to get out of a bad relationship. Much better to take your time now, and work on you. You will know that you have changed when the type of guy who attracts you treats you differently than the type you used to like. When the focus is on how good you feel when you are with him, rather than worrying about how HE feels about you. I have always gone for the emotionally unavailable kind myself, and I realize that there were big red flags flying all over when I married my A - I just chose not to see them.

I was reading in Courage to Change the other day--it said turning to an alcoholic (you can also inject emotionally unavailable people) for affection and support is like going to a hardware store for bread. 

Since you are single you need to think about this really hard.  I married an a, not really taking the time to see what he really was--an a.  I love him, very much, but I get very upset when he can't be there for me, but my expectations are wrong.  He loves me, he just can't do that.  That's why I would suggest to anyone--decide if you can live with that.  It gets so incredibly hard--I want a relationship with a best friend who listens to me and supports me and can understand me.  I always wanted that with my husband.  Now I am having to deal with the fact that that just "ain't gonna happen"--not because he doesn't love me, but he is unable to do that. 

If you want someone who can really be there for you--hang in there!!  Please (I know it is tough--I''m one of those easily attached people too!!!!)  Just keep telling yourself you are worth someone being able to be there for you!!!!

 

Good luck.

Dawn

I read the other replies & I can't agree more! I remember reading that passage from Courage to Change about going to a hardware store to buy bread! I can totoally relate!!

 I am married to an A. We dated for 4 years!!!! You'ld think I would have known! LOL! The others I dated before him were much worse, doudly addicted to drugs & hard liquor. He just drinks beer, no illegal drugs. I thought that was a good thing. Silly me. We've been married 12 years last Nov. He really does love me, that I know in my head. It is just that he can't be there for me emotionally! A couple 2-3 years ago, I was going through a really bad time. I was hitting my rock bottom. I was depressed, cried, did so many crazy things. I wanted him to comfort me, to hold me. He was drunk most every night. The more he drank, the worse I got, the more he drank, it was a vicious cycle! I'ld cry & sob, he'ld say "what do you want me to do?" Well, that did it, I'ld start sobbing more!!! I'ld say "nothing, just what you are doing, nothing", then I'ld cry more!!! I felt like he didn't love me, I as much as asked him why he hated me!!! It was horrible.

I had gone to a few Alanon meetings, but wasn't really into the program. I was an emotioal wreck!! So depressed I couldn't concentrate, could't focus. I felt my life was over. I went to a therapist, went on antidepressants. Even saw a lawyer & filed for divorce. In 2004 I changed my mind. I had begged him to leave, he refused, said "it's my house too." And he was right. He said he'ld leave when he found the "right place" to go to. Now mind you his parents have a house converted into apartments not far from here (NY) & they live in Fla. year-round, so there was room for him to stay there. He refused to even do that. The longer he stayed, the more i gave in.

I've since been more faithful with my Alanon program. I go to f2f as often as I can. I have a crazy work schedule. Work 3-11 pm shift. We live in a rural area, so meetings are not close, not the ones I am able to attend on my nights off. But, I go as often as I can, online meetings when I can, read daily, make Alanon  calls, That has helpd me.

So, if you have any doubts, please reconsider, take care of YOU!!! Once you marry that is it, a lot harder to end relationship. I wish I had Alanon when I was younger. Never heard of it. Met my hubby when I was 31, got married when I was 35 yrs old. Thought I was going to be an old maid. I am going to be 48 this May. I have friends, my age, who are single & loving it!!

I don't know how old you are, but please take your time, find the kind of person you need & deserve! If we ever got divorced or God forbid, he died, I don't think I'ld date again!! But we never know. At least I have the program & I hopefully would not pick another "emotionally unavailable" person!

Good luck!!

Deb

molly________I tend to get attached very quickly, and I am trying to not do that. I am doing this guessing game with myself about this guy to see if I should break it off before I get hurt.

I want to get it right. All of my girlfriends are getting married, and I can't even find the right guy to date!

__________________________________________

 

rosie>>>molly until i DECIDED to fall in love with me/ work on me/ establish a relationship with me,  i got the "losers" too....got attached too quickly cuz i was looking OUTside of me for what i needed to look INside of me for.....love// acceptance// approval//  it had to "begin with me"....so here i am 5 years after my LAST split, and i am going to STAY alone till i get  "right with me"   "fall in love with/ make friends with me"     NOONE is gonna give me my needs but ME.....i had to  accept that B4 i could take action  (relationship with me)    now??? its not so bad being alone ,  i really don't care now....its beats being abandoned, used/abused, etc....it is MUCH better than what i had.......its OK being alone..and i am 59 now.....so it may be over for me, i may have gotten into recovery too late....so ok....i will date myself....i take me to dinner/ movies wherever i want to go.....it was hard, but it is getting easier and easier.....i gave up finding a good man to the universe...it is out of my power,   but it is NOT out of my power to love me/ have a good relationship with me....it HAS to begin with me  B4 there is ANY hope of anything outside of me....i want to have a healthy me to bring to the table...cuz in the end??? its gonna be   me/ and whatever higher power within me...thats IT...so i BETTER learn to love my own company...peole come and they go...but i wont leave me!!!!!!!    chin up and hang in there,   you are here..thats the first step to a better life with YOU!!!!  rosie

Along with alcoholics I choose classically unavailable men.

My father was emotionally unaviable until he got a program when I was about 21. I remember the first time he said "I love you" first.

A lot of my peers are getting married or are involved in long term relationships. I keep screwing it up and chooseing the wrong men. In the last year or so I've ralized that my true desire is to get married and have babies. I NEVER thought I'd say that but it's very true for me right now.

At the beginning of my current relationship with my "A" I got pregnent. I wasn't ready to bring a child into the world and I didn't trust my "A" to be supportive. I realized that I was sooo close to having what I wanted and I wasnt ready. So now I'm getting ready. I'm working on me.

However, I have amazing girlfriends in my life. They are emotionally avaliable and open and loving and are there wehnever I need a hug or a kind word.

So even though I screw up in my love life, I've at least been wise enough to choose awesome friends. They keep me going.

 

Good luck!