I have to say the financial stuff with me is really coming to a head. My boyfriend should really declare bankruptcy for his medical issues. Meantime he is content to act out, feel sorry for himself and lean on me time and time again.  Last Novemeber he declared that he broke his foot on the job, wouldn't file workers compensation and went off drinking with his friends for 3 weeks. Meantime he definitely did a great manipulation dance on he was sick and wounded and needed help.  I stepped in as always and paid the rent and that took care of a lot of financial space. I'm not sorry I did that as obviously I have to have a roof over my head.  That money was meant to go for some of my medical issues however and I note that he has veterans insurance and does not have to find money for his medical issues but I do.  He doesn't care about my medical issues of course they are trivialized all the time if I have an issue its treatabel by some other method but oh his issues life threatening...

I should say I didn't just pay the rent for one month but for 1 1/2 months as my landlord had requested that. So he had a respite of 1 1/2 months to get caught up on a lot of his bills.   Has he done that - nope.  His bills are piling up and his car is likely to be repossesed. They only call so many times before they put stuff in repossession. He narrowly escaped having it repossessed before.  I think really he wants to be in this sad sorry state so he can justify drinking more and take it out on me more.  Over Christmas the only time he got out of bed was to go to his brothers for a maraton dopeathon and that was it. Oh I forgot when one of his friends called he raised himself from the dead and went out with his friend and was polite and nice and kind.  But for me he can't raise himself from the dead. He does 1 out of 100 things I ask him so I now don't ask him for very much which is probably best...because why bother?  He couldn't even sit up at the table to have turkey. He said he was sick. I stuck at it and made myself a turkey. I am not going to sit and feel sorry for myself because he is irresponsible but I have to say it was not much fun having it on my own.  But I did it.  That for me is incredible progress because before I sat and fumed and deprived myself and felt incredibly alone and isolated.

Now I am gearing up to just let his car be repossessed. He is an adult, he can return his own phone calls. He knows what he has to do. He could make one payment.  I am getting nothing out of helping him except tremendous resentment which corrodes my soul.  I am also getting really super tired of his chaos. The non stop night and day calls from his creditors.  Last summer I had no money I had to go work for minimum wage to get some money in then I had to take a job I did not like much. I did it.  I did not have creditors calling him night and day.  I did not put him in a position where he lost things I am responsible for in order to make it that I was acting out all over the place. I have to say this and it is very very hard, he did not lift one finger to help me then not one finger.  He wouldn't even make one phone call for me. But me oh I'm supposed to do everything for him...always and if I don't then there is something wrong with me oh how I complain he says.  I guess we shouldn't label his not being able to get out of bed as behavior that is abberant should we?  I should look on it as great he breathes at all.  He was out with his friends drinking all summer and not a care in the world.  He was claiming he was working well how could he have been working if he owes everyone under the sun.  A friend of mine kindly pointed out to me that people do not have their electricy fixed till 1:00 a.m. (he is an electrician) he was out drinking and using and lying to me all the time. He spent all his money on drink and now he wants me to step in again and help him. Well I am not helping him with the consequences of his actions. I now take action only when it affects me. I do not use his car he is responsible for it. Thank god I never used the car otherwise he would find someway to make me responsible for it too.  God works in strange ways sometimes.  I am really working on ways to extricate myself from his crap but it is very very difficult. Its like the mafia everytime I put myself up he pulls me back in in some way. So I have to be super secretive about what I am doing. If he felt I had money he would not for example pay the rent this month. He'd leave it to me then complain that I wasn't being more loving...yeah right loving because of course I should support him while he destroys himself and me in the process.

I know I have my own financial issues which I have to work on and looking at the caranage next to me is very very distracting. I know that I will not any more make his issues which are always one catastrophe after another my priority. It is incredibly difficult to not be thrown off track when I live with someone who makes my life chaotic day in day out.  I feel like my only way is to be out of the house when he is here and then I am afraid to be out of the house. I went away for a week to work and I came back and his friends had been all over our house. I found their stuff everywhere and I felt violated. I know his friends have no boundaries and would go down my stuff and move stuff and throw stuff around. One was just in the shed and seemed to think that it was appropriate to throw trash in my back yard.  Where do you get to do that but somewhere where they know my boyfriend will say nothing to them no where else.   I feel absolutely inundated by his crap day in day out and I know when he comes home he will just lay around and feel sorry for himself.  And I am tired of making excuses for him and feeling sorry for him and trying to walk on eggshells around him so he does not blow up and run off out with his friends for yet another binge.  Funny how he always has money for his binges but didn't have money to pay for his car?

Help

 

Maresie.

 

 

Hi Maresie,

i know how hard the whole finance thing is. I think you are on to something there with the stepping back and letting his obligations be his. I have some joint accounts with my husband and I am always the one who ends up being responsible for them. He is able to give me the money ... for the most part ... but to actually get a checking account, or money order, fill out an envelope and mail it ~laugh~ I have learned my lesson in that area. Since I set a HUGE boundary of any loan, or money obligation either of us takes on without OUR joint agreement being the sole responsibility of the one who chose it, the situation has been pretty good. Well aside from the Christmas check thing in my other post ~rolling eyes~ Who knows what is really best ... just be true to yourself and take care of you first!

Jennifer

I am sorry maresie...

I can only imagine the extent of pain you are in...As for the financial situation...everything will fall in to place...You have to believe that EVERYTHING happens for a reason...

I will pray for you to find the strength to go on...and continue...

LOTs OF Love,

lauren~

I'm learning my lesson with the finances as well. This summer, my wife drained the last $100 out of our joint account (money I had put in there to save up for a car repair) for a night at the bar. When she got home and passed out, I took the ATM card out of her purse and cut it in half. The next morning, I told her that I was opening my own account and transfering my direct deposit over to it. And that's that. I don't have money to spend on drinking anymore. Period. If she wants me to pay for something, or needs something that she can't afford on her own, she can ask me for the money and I'll say yes or no. And I meant this in a loving way. I know she's a person dealing with a practically uncontrollable illness and that, while she's actively seeking recovery, anyway (as she is today), she needs my support, not abandonment, financially or in any other sense. I still love this person; it would be cruel to deny her basic human dignities on the basis of unemployment. But I also realize that I'm the sole wage earner in the household now (of course, she isn't "back to work" yet after her latest "slip" cost her the job back in December), so I've got to keep an eye on the money situation. Make sure the bills we need to pay get paid, and at least make an effort to get caught up on the rest. Even a sober alcoholic, I've found, is not always the wisest money manager. Mine has had a tendency to squander our last dollar on fantastically trivial things (tanning, satellite tv, etc.). I'm not paying for that stuff. My son's going to need things. The refrigerator isn't going to stock itself. If she wants to pay for a tan, she can get up off the couch and find work. It is hard to say "no" sometimes. When she subscribed to satellite tv, I told her I would never in a thousand years pay for that. It's not worth it to me. I don't really even watch tv very much. However, when she was working, she decided she'd earned it (she was over two years sober back then, also, and probably didn't forsee herself "slipping" in the near future), and went ahead and had it installed in our home. And was paying the bill, including getting the money order, stamp on the envelope, all of it. It wasn't my problem and I told her so. Now, however, that she's out of work, and we've had satellite tv for over a year, my son has come to expect that it's going to be there. Do I tell him, "Well, we can't have it anymore because mom's not working this month? She'll get a job soon, I'm sure (I hope), but right now she doesn't have any money, so it has to go?" Is that fair? Is any of it? So, I took on that bill for December (used some of my bonus money so it didn't really affect our monthly budget), but I told her she'd better be able to pick it back up by the end of January, when the next bill comes due. And we'll see what happens. One day at a time, right? No, all the answers I do not have. No, not perfect. As I've heard, "sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly..." and mostly the latter half in my case! --Bob

Bob: Well the satellite tv thing is an issue too. It is in my name. He orders extra channels for christmas. He can't pay one bill, the creditors are calling morning noon, night and in between but he can go out and spend on that. He can do NOTHING for me but he's prepared to add to my bills all the time. If I ask him for anything he says oh I don't know when I can do that its too much to ask. Hey I paid all the bills.  Then he turns around and says "get out!"  Yeah right.

There are some days I absolutely hate his guts.  No question about it I hate his guts because all he thinks about day and night is himself, morning, noon night and beyond, himself and his needs totally.  If I don't meet his needs then I'm to get out.

That's it as far as I can see. He doesn't care about my health one bit not one iota ever.  He could care less I have asthma but his health oh my god he will go on for ever about his health. He has a bad liver but can smoke crack, god knows what else in there too he can smoke dope till the cows come home.  I'm not smoking with asthma.  I'm not adding to my problems. If I have no money I sell things of mine. If he has no money he smokes dope, drinks and smokes crack.  And i'm supposed to feel sorry for him?

If I don't feel sorry for him he tantrums and tantrums till the cows come home.  I get sucked into feeling sorry for him and then he pulls another bender.  It just goes on and on and on.

 

Maresie.

 

Meresie,

I am so sorry for the pain this causes you.  This disease is so parasitic; sucking the life out of everyone around it.  I agree with lauren ashely that you sound like your on to a good idea in letting him take care of his own financial obligations.  I only wish I would have stepped in sooner and did someting more to protect me and my son from the financial distress my husband's using left us in.  He is sober almost a year and doing as I had hoped in recovery.  Steady progress.  It doesn't change the financial situation we are in.  WE will be paying off debt for many years. There was a time that he racked up over $3,000 in one month on a credit card buying drugs off the interenet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  This is just a drop in the bucket when compared to the total debt we are in now.  This topic still makes me fume, but today I am grateful he is in recovery and doing the work he needs to stay sober.  If he did not get into rehab and would not work a REALLY GOOD program we would be divorced.  He knows this too.  I was no longer willing to live below what I was living.  I'm not talking financially anymore, but emotionally, spiritually.  I was bankrupt in those areas. 

Taking care of myself is putting many things into perspective.  Minding my own business has helped me to stay out of everyone elses lives.  I don't always do this and I need reminded time and time again, but this program helps remind me and right now I need daily reminding!

God Bless you and take care of you,

Michelle