Well,

I have put myself back in an unacceptable intolerable situation. I am not sure how to dig my way back out of the muck. I left my husband of 10 years in 1995. His cocaine use escalated to a dangerous level and after years of attending alanon I finally found the strength to get myself and our 2 children out of the madness. They were 9 and 4 at the time. 7.5 years later I met someone who I thought was Prince Charming, come to rescue me from my life of constant struggle.  Lo and Behold 6 months into our marriage and 5 months pregnant, I left after having found child porn on his computer. He fought me for custody of the baby whom he has never even seen. I won custody of course but had to agree to no child support and he gets no visitation. 

Here I was raising one adolescent son a 1 year old baby boy and have a daughter struggling through her first year of college.  Along comes husband number one seemingly in recovery after all this time. Like a knight on a white horse just in the knick of time. Promising me everything I ever wanted out of life and marriage and motherhood. 

Well, here I am living with him for the last six months and it isn't Champagne and roses.  I feel like I am in a nightmare. We were supposed to go to counseling to work on past hurts and communication problems. We are not, he has gone on one major 4 day cocaine binge"slip" that will never happen again, he is smoking pot and cigarettes in the house. I have only gone to one alanon meeting and I can't seem to ever leave the house without his "permission" The kids are just as miserable, my son stays in his room ALL the time. My daughter is living with friends.  I am not working because I am afriad to put the baby in daycare (he is 20months old).  I am scared and know I need to find work, but I don't want to be in the same position financially as  before, never knowing if I will have enough for the rent being on food stamps etc.  He is self employed and makes over 100,000 but hides his income and has never payed regular support. I know I need to trust God but I am so scared and tired and feel like I am immobilized.  I try to put the focus on me but I feel like I am stuck in a time warp.  Any words of encouragement, or how to take the FIRST STEP again will be more than appreciated.

Welcome to this group. I am glad that you are here. I am also very very glad you can be honest about what you are doing and what is affecting you. I know very well the pain of being controlled. My boyfriend can go into hyper control at times in order to combat his sense of being out of control in his own life. I also know the sense of being trapped. I encourage you to take small steps to start taking care of you and put down the stick you beat yourself up with.

Maresie.

Hello Mia66

Welcome, just by coming here and thinking of what is going on and writing it out is a first step. I'm sorry you feel trapped and scared. If I ask for help from my HP and/or other people I get what I need to make decisions or take action. Try to trust in that. We're here for you.

Jennifer

Welcome Mia.  You may be able to get someone to help you by sponsoring you online and the chat room which I was initially hesitant about joining is a very supportive environment also to let your feelings out.  That way if your husband is controlling your movements you can still reach out to us by the computer.  I am a lone al-anon member as there is none in my town but a lady keeps in contact with me by email or regular mail to see if I am okay.  They will also ring you if that is what you want.  Are you able to get to a playgroup or somewhere that you can meet other Mum's with young kids just to get you out of the house?  Keep reaching out to us we are here for you.  Luv Leo x

You've taken that first step - you're here. Come back whenever you can, use the resources here in whatever way helps. You can start reading alanon literature again, it's easy to get, either online, through your local f2f, the library, bookstores.... I agree, playgroups are a great way to get out, meet some people, let your baby socialize. I live in a tiny little town, and there is quite a bit here - there is bound to be something where you are. If you are scared of daycare for your daughter, I have a suggestion (I work in daycare myself) Call and ask if they have a time when you and she could just come and hang out for an hour or so (you may have to pay a bit, maybe not) You would get an idea of what it is really like there, maybe do this once a week for bit. My experience with kids that age is that they really love daycare - they love their friends, they grow attached to the caregivers easily. A place that wouldn't let you do this is not the kind of place you want your daughter to go to, so it is also a great way to find a good daycare.