I've been thinking.

I think the reason I have been so devastated with shame since my A husband's impropriety on New Years in front of our friends was the fact that my bubble of "pretend superbness in a peaceful marriage" has burst. 

I have known for years, deep in my heart, that he has issues that go deep - way beyond simply drinking too much.  He has had a full childhood and young adulthood of coping with abuse/neglect by his parents and their alcoholism. 

Since I met him, I have tried to look beyond all of that "junk" and perhaps tried to pretend it wasn't even there. I was truly the finder of a diamond in the rough. I have attempted to assume that he is perfectly fine, that he was healthy and happy.  He had 4.5 years of sobriety but then it seemed especially normal when he started doing the drinking socially thing. Heck, it even worked for a while.  I thought we had his cruddy little unpleasantness licked! We appeared normal and fine and not affected by alcohol in any way.  It was casual and fine like a backyard BBQ. 

Yet, in my heart, I knew that he had a mean chip that couldn't be mended.  I knew.  I prayed that what could happen, wouldn't.  I hoped that he wouldn't say something rude in passing to our nice neighbors the way he sometimes says things to me.  I knew deep down that he could possibly act out on that mean chip, say something at any time or anywhere that would create a huge bad scene because he has that mean ugly thing in there somewhere buried, dying to come out.

IT DID.

I guess I had an illusion in my head that we were not only OK but envied by others because of our great love for eachother, our "soulmate-ness" and our beautiful life together living in a big beautiful old house, a great community, having wonderful kids and both of us having successful professional careers.

I come from a German family of functional drinkers - a family where drinking has always been accepted and part of the culture - yet they don't get drunk, they don't get unruly or in trouble with the law.  I've never seen my mother drunk. I've only seen my family tipsy. My family origin is that of law abiding, uneventful and pretty average folk whose biggest fault is probably that they don't talk about their feelings much.  But they have a great display of normalcy and near perfection.  My 3 sisters all have husbands who are truly good to them, don't have alcohol or drug problems of any kind, and have never been in a scuffle with the law or in any trouble. They have family honor. There is no real drama in their lives. 

Then, there is me.  I am the dishonorable one. I have the history of bad-boy boyfriends, quitting college, drug and alcohol use - I've survived a horrible rape.  After I got pregnant by someone who was there for me at the time and I married him in a rush to get my life back on good terms. He was an alcoholic drug user and I finally divorced him after 7 years of struggling with it.  When I finally left him, even one of my sisters said, "that's just another bad mark against you"

Although my life is considerably more "cleaned up" than ever before, and I went back to school and got my degree and pulled it together, it's been plagued with drama and issues of which I hide and am so ashamed.

When I married the second time, it was a long and drawn-out decision but low and behold, I married another alcoholic! And here I am! And I wonder why my life is so messed up.  The illusion is gone. I can't come out and just tell my family that he isn't "right" because that just means that I made yet another mistake.  They may be able to sense it because they know that we have had to "work" on things, but I think they think he is pretty wonderful and I wouldn't have them think otherwise even if he has been emotionally abusive at times and really hard to live with.

I have been in some artificial and silly romantic ivory tower of wishful thinking. And now...the people who may have thought we were really SOLID and EVOLVED, my friends, well they are probably scratching their heads now and saying, "Gee, I guess they are pretty messed up.  Why are we friends with them?  He's rude and nasty and she's with him.  What in the world is wrong with HER?"

Now I have to make up my mind that I have to let that false image go and just figure out how I can heal, grow and be REAL.  I don't want to be something I am not. I don't want anymore scenes in fantasy land.  But, I want that healthiness to be genuine. I don't want to make excuses for him anymore. I don't want to "hide" the ugliness or pretend it isn't there. I don't want to have to tell people, "Oh he's tired, that's why he couldn't make it."  I don't want to have to explain to the kids, "Oh he's just going through a phase.  He'll be in a better mood soon."

I'm afraid that my desire to be TRULY HEALTHY will mean that it has to be without him.  I can live without him but I don't want to run this time.  I want to honor my marriage vows and stick it out and get healthy together.  This time I don't want to run away.  But I want us both to be healthy for the rest of our lives, in the most genuine sense.

Thanks for listening.

Jule  

         

      

Hi Jule, Sounds like you are really trying to put the focus on yourself. Congrats ! Something you said really struck a cord w/ me. I too am sitting here wondering if recovering for me will mean recovering alone, well not alone, w/o my A. I have plenty of family now that I have Alanon. :) I too have a history of running. I went away to college w/ the sole intent of getting away from home and the chaos there. When I got into a fight w/ my dad, even if I was justified in my position, I ran, didn't talk for years. I thought my Aunt and Unlce were mad me, I stopped calling them, I ran, even leaving my cousins to wonder what happened to me. My mom got into a (literal) fight w/ my A, I ran and didn't talk to her. So if I do split from my A, am I just running again or am I doing the right thing? I ask myself this stuff all the time. So while I don't have any experience in coming to a conclusion, I at least understand where you are coming from. Bob

I have hard many times over "Everyone seems normal until you get to know them."

Try not to worry about how people see you, your husband or your relationship. That doesn't need to affect you and how you deal with your life. And who is to say that they are perfect or have the perfect marriage.

I come from a very affluent community that is very much based on appearance. The most interesting thing happened to my mother one time. She has belonged to a women's sorority for many years. My little brother was a teeenager and had just gone into rehab for the first time. She was sharing some of her struggles with her "friends" beceause she believes that keeping secrets is not a way to live life and sharing struggles and hopes can not only help her feel less alone but also her friends who might be having problems they aren't talking about.

So as my mother was having this convesation one of her "sisters" flat out said, "I'm so glad that MY children don't have this problem." This "sister" happened to be the mother of my brother's drug dealer and BOTH of her children were well known around school as being the biggest druggies on campus.

I think of that story often. In my opinion, I'd MUCH rather admit to a problem and begin to solve it than "look good" and pretend that nothing is wrong.

Kudos to you for KNOWING there is a problem. Even though it's scary and people may judge us, that is THIER problem. You are never alone.

 

((((((Jule)))))

I do so understand where you are coming from.  I was in the same spot 2 years ago.  Big beautiful house...great daughter...nice neighborhood.  I made it all appear so perfect. However anytime we went anywhere that alcohol was served he would humiliate me.  The last straw was in Mexico.  We had been a part of a huge group in a beach front home that we rented out.  I had tried to get out of going because of the A's that would be there.  The members of the group going kept changing and it got worse as it got closer to the time of the trip.  The drinking started on the drive down from Phoenix.  By the 3rd day it was tequila and beer non-stop.  I could hear my A telling one of my friends how I was so jealous of her.  That I did not want to be around her because I had gained weight and she is real thin.  So not true....She is an addict.  I was afraid to be around the drugs in Mexico not her size 1 bathing suit!    He was talking really loud and slurring and many people heard him.  I was so taken back by this betrayel that I could not move or speak.  We had a huge fight and I cried the whole night.  He just laughed at me and told me I deserved it.  The next morning I got up before dawn and packed up everything.  I wanted out of there!  He wanted breakfast with the group.  I will never forget the look on my friend's face when she saw me that morning.  She glared at me and said..U R still here?  I cried the whole way home...5 hours by car.  Our marriage was over and I knew it. 

I feel lucky now to have gotten out.  I have been divorced 3 times and I felt like such a loser with this divorce.  I could not tell some family members.  Now however I feel blessed.  I survived!  I have my beautiful daughter and I do not have time to worry about other peoples judgements.

Hope this helps you a little.

 

Julia

I can definitely relate t to what you are going through. My husband and I were the first to be married amongst our friends and colleagues. He is a great guy, when he is not drinking. Having had 10 years of sobriety, most of these people only knew him that way. Very few people knew what he was like when he was drinking, even people in our life. The first time he went into rehab I felt like people were looking at me like I had 10 heads or something. Why in the world did he need to be there? They were not living it, I was. So we built a life together, moved out of the city to a small town, nice house, great kids, sports you know the life.... then he picked up. Well, I stopped talking to my old friends, i was just too embarassed. We had be what people were envious of. And as far as the new friends we had made, well, at first, I was honest with them. My children were ok with that, they understood that Daddy is sick and this happens. That was a year ago, three rehabs and two hospitalizations. I feel like I cannot face anyone. My children have not told there friends that we are separated, our house was always the one all the kids came to. My very social 12 year old is becoming less and less social. They did not tell anyone when he was just hospitalized and I told very few people. I feel like even those people who were understanding the first time around, and even the second, now would just be patrionizing me if they even acted understanding. Plus, I feel like I look like an idiot. I love this man so deeply, he is a wonderful father, he is caring and generous ( sometimes to a fault) but I cannot live with this disease, not right now.... and who would understand that, I think no one! The one thing I do know is that it has all made me quite empathetic towards others, you just never know. If someone does you wrong, is rude, you just never know what might be going on in their life that you just cannot see from the outside. On this journey with you, Lynn

Hi Jule

Sounds like your in the right place. I don't think any of us are perfect, and truthfully your life and what goes on in your marriage is not any of your family's business.  But I know that close family's often get involved in each other's business.  My family does the same thing.  I have confided in them with my problems with my "a", it upsets them they don't understand the disease, and I'm still learning myself.  Sometimes after speaking to my mother or father about something that has happened with my "a" or in our relationship, I think to myself " Now why did I say all that, now she/he is upset."  My family is opinionated and those opinions have shaped and molded my thinking and belief system.  After living with an "a" for four years and being apart of this program I'm learning that some of those "passed" down belief systems about myself and others are not really accurate.  I realize that to heal and recover myself I have to be willing to shed some of the old "stinking thinking" about alcoholics and myself.  Your Alanon friends are here to be supportive and understanding, so keep coming back. 

You are not a bad person or a screw up, and remember you did not cause the drinking, you can't change the drinking and you can't cure the drinking. 

Hugs to you

Twinmom~

Please be careful

I really think that once our illusions are shattered, when we initially get past the denial, we are very vunerable. I think in our anger, fear, frustration and relief, our tendency may be to let our feelings go to the other extreme of where they were. Things that we told ourselves were 'not that bad' become horrible. Things we tolerated become completely intolerable. Small personality flaws become major.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is to give the pendulum of your feelings time to swing back toward the center before you make any decisions regarding your husband and marriage. Maybe things are not really as bad as they seem right now.

I'm not sure if I communicated my thoughts too clearly. Does this make any sense?

Lou

absolutely Lou. Absolutely.

thanks

(((Jule)))

Oh boy ... I didn't even have to read your post (although I did ~laugh~) to feel that whole ball of stuff in my stomach all over again from the day my "lifeblinders" broke. I'm happy to say now I can laugh at that feeling, and be glad they did. I grieved for months but it was worth it. Just the feeling that I am being more honest with myself is worth it.

I would like to say that I wish someone had said the things that Lou said in that reply to me back then. It may not have made a difference but the whole mood shift to the opposite side did happen for me. My support system even seemed to keep it flowing that direction. I am much happier now that I found a balance in between. It takes time, take care of yourself!

Jennifer