I have been doing everything in my power to find a way to help my husband. I know he wants help but is feeling isolated. His brother has come to realize how bad his brother (my husband) is. I think I am going to suggest baker acting him. They will hold him for three days and he can go from there. I know I can force him to get help. I just think he needs to know that we care and we will do this for him. We have tried everything else. If I don't try this he is going to die very soon. It's that bad. I know I sound like a codie but I have to give this at least a shot. Please support me. Anyone try this? ANyone's loved one in the final stages of alcoholism?
Tammy said
Jan 3, 2006
One thing that I have found from Alanon is that we will ALL support you.. It is your decision and nobody really knows the right thing to do. My suggestion, really think about your decision, talk with your higher power, then do what you feel is right. In my experience, 3 days or 3 months they get help when/if they are ready.
In my experience, my husband got help didnt drink for a period then stop the counseling then started drinking again.. He went from admitting he has a problem and needed help to denying his problem again and insisting he has it under control. I realized that I cant make him stop, the power has to come from within him. I cant tell you what to do but I can SUPPORT you no matter what your decision is.
Good Luck
Tammy
megan said
Jan 3, 2006
Hi friend
We don't give advice here, but here is my experience and take what you like and leave the rest.
Baker Act him.
My husband was in late stage alcoholism last July.
His skin was yellow and his legs were swollen and his urine was brown.
He was dying.
I looked on the internet for help, realized that my husband was an alcoholic and found this website and alanon.
I went to a face to face meetings and many online meetings.
They told me that I was enabling my husband so I stopped.
Within days he quit and his health returned.
5 months later he drank again (he had no recovery program) and quickly became very sick again.
I left and filed for divorce. I went to the lawyer to see if I could get my husband committed and in my state (NJ) you cannot commit for alcoholism. So, even though it ripped my heart out I filed for divorce.
You know what? The alanon program of not enabling your alcoholic, taken to the drastic level that I had too, worked.
My husband is very angry at me that since I no longer support him he has to quit drinking and get a job with benefits.
I say Baker Act him. Nothing else you tried has worked right? The YOU get to as many alanon meetings as possible and YOUR sanity will return.
Your alcoholic may even find recovery
Megan
Jeannie said
Jan 3, 2006
Hi Friend,
My husband is in the late stages of alcoholism. He has liver disease, high blood pressure, stomach problems and has become unable to hold a job.
I have tried everything and nothing has worked. Alanon has taught me that no matter what I do, I cannot control his drinking, I can only take care of me and try not to enable him. He has gone into treatment in order to try and salvage our marriage, only to continue to drink. He always manages to convince them to let him try out patient and quits before they find he needs in patient.
many times I have wanted to have him commited, but my state does not allow it, Alcoholism treatment has to be voluntary. I am at the point I do not care how mad he gets at me, I have to do what I can for the children and I, but I can do nothing for him, he has to want it.
They say you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. I agree, but it can't hurt to show him where the water is. If I could have commited my husband, I would have, in a minute.
Be aware, he could be angry, in fact probably will. He may feel betrayed, he may even think he hates you. But I know myself I would know I tried. Who knows, it may save his life.
No matter what you decide, Alanon teaches you to take care of yourself, to change your thinking and your reactions, and to make yourslef happy. It is worth it and so are you.
Welcome to MIP.
Love Jeannie
Flora123 said
Jan 4, 2006
Hi Friend,
I am in UK, not sure what Baker act means, guess it means taking the decision away, committing to treatment, here, we call it sectioning - section something, under the Mental Health Act.
Never had to do this, with my A daughter, she sought help, then, had jaundice, gall stones, hepatitus..... you name it.
My son, not an A .... had a psychotic episode, back in September, think it was related to cannabis abuse... no matter, he lost it, the most frightening time of my life. With the support and love of my alanon friends, and my A daughter, I had him committed to a psychiatric ward for 28 days. He refused treatment, kept on insisting he was OK, until they told him they could apply for another certificate, keep him 6 months, and impose treatment. He complied.
Am happy he seems well today, still on meds, but, for me, the most scary thing.... no-one can tell you if you should do this, you know, in your heart, if your partner is beyond help.
Sometimes, people are too sick to ask for help. Trust your own judgement on this, good luck, you in my thoughts, I am hoping for the best outcome for you both.
Lots of love,
Flora
xxxx
ajt62 said
Jan 4, 2006
Dear FOY:
First of all - I apologize for the length of this post....
It seems like a drastic measure, but in some cases it must be done. My 22yo A daughter knows she has a home to come to, but will not go anywhere without her drug dealer boyfriend, and I've made no bones about the fact that he is NOT welcome in my home, so she'd rather live in poverty than be without him. They were staying in a motel that they were due to lose last Friday, so she called my mother begging for money for the umpteenmillionth time; my mom said no, so my daughter decided to threaten suicide "because she had no other option". My mom called me and told me this, so I called my daughter, and she basically told me that I was the world's worst mother, and how could I let her be homeless, blah, blah, blah... She also told me 3 times that she felt that suicide was her only option. Emotional blackmail? I'm not so sure.
In 1988, my darling stepmother finally succumbed to the clinical depression that had her in and out of hospitals and institutions throughout my high school years and after about 500 (yes, FIVE HUNDRED) attempts, finally succeeded in killing herself. I do NOT take threats of suicide lightly. In July of 2005, my daughter's boyfriend threatened to leave her, so she slit her wrists. Thank GOD it was just superficially, but that prompted us to put her in a rehab. So when she threatened suicide last week, I had no choice but to take it seriously and had her Baker Acted. This was last Tuesday. I drove to her place of work, and had 2 police officers meet me there. I told my side of the story, we got my mom on the phone and she told one of the officers her side, and despite my daughter's ranting, the cops decided that our fears were indeed founded, and they took her. As we left the business, her boyfriend was outside, and my daughter shouted over to him that she was "being Baker Acted because my mom is crazy!"... (this is the same child who told me that it's okay to be co-dependent as long as both parties are co-dependent on each other.)
She was so angry with me. I suppose from an A standpoint, I can understand it - of course I don't agree with it, but I understand. She was to be held for up to 72 hours, and then released. If she did stay the whole time, she would have been released last Friday. I have not seen or heard from her since, and really don't expect to. I don't know if she accepted the help that the county was willing to offer or not. She hasn't contacted anyone in her closest support circle, her godmother or my sister, so I don't know if she still has her job, or where she's living, or anything. There's a very real possibility that she may never want to speak to me again. This not knowing is awful, but I do know that I made the absolute right choice in doing what I had to do to protect her from herself at that moment.
Your husband may resent you, may resent the fact that HE does not have control over what he must go through, but if he is a danger to himself, and has no intention of getting help on his own, it's a viable option.
I wish you the very best, and will keep you in my prayers. Whatever you choose, I pray that you are as at peace with your decision as I am with mine. Take care of you.
Allison
Edited to add: Before I joined Al-Anon, I don't think I would have been able to handle this rationally. I am so grateful to the program for my sanity. I would suggest that you share with as many people as you're comfortable sharing with, and maybe try to hit a few F2F meetings. It's a terribly difficult decision, but if it's the right one, let your HP guide you through it. All the best.
-- Edited by ajt62 at 21:55, 2006-01-04
KathyS said
Jan 6, 2006
Yep I've tried it for my husbands cocaine addiction. It was called a Marchment Act.
It did absolutely no good. Was nothing but a total waste of my time and effort. Time and effort I could have used to work on myself and my own recovery.
*Forced Recovery* of any kind never works. They have to want it. Doesn't matter how badly we want it for them, they have to want it for themselves in order for it to work.
Hi friend
We don't give advice here, but here is my experience and take what you like and leave the rest.
Baker Act him.
My husband was in late stage alcoholism last July.
His skin was yellow and his legs were swollen and his urine was brown.
He was dying.
I looked on the internet for help, realized that my husband was an alcoholic and found this website and alanon.
I went to a face to face meetings and many online meetings.
They told me that I was enabling my husband so I stopped.
Within days he quit and his health returned.
5 months later he drank again (he had no recovery program) and quickly became very sick again.
I left and filed for divorce. I went to the lawyer to see if I could get my husband committed and in my state (NJ) you cannot commit for alcoholism. So, even though it ripped my heart out I filed for divorce.
You know what? The alanon program of not enabling your alcoholic, taken to the drastic level that I had too, worked.
My husband is very angry at me that since I no longer support him he has to quit drinking and get a job with benefits.
I say Baker Act him. Nothing else you tried has worked right?
The YOU get to as many alanon meetings as possible and YOUR sanity will return.
Your alcoholic may even find recovery
Megan
Hi Friend,
My husband is in the late stages of alcoholism. He has liver disease, high blood pressure, stomach problems and has become unable to hold a job.
I have tried everything and nothing has worked. Alanon has taught me that no matter what I do, I cannot control his drinking, I can only take care of me and try not to enable him. He has gone into treatment in order to try and salvage our marriage, only to continue to drink. He always manages to convince them to let him try out patient and quits before they find he needs in patient.
many times I have wanted to have him commited, but my state does not allow it, Alcoholism treatment has to be voluntary. I am at the point I do not care how mad he gets at me, I have to do what I can for the children and I, but I can do nothing for him, he has to want it.
They say you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. I agree, but it can't hurt to show him where the water is. If I could have commited my husband, I would have, in a minute.
Be aware, he could be angry, in fact probably will. He may feel betrayed, he may even think he hates you. But I know myself I would know I tried. Who knows, it may save his life.
No matter what you decide, Alanon teaches you to take care of yourself, to change your thinking and your reactions, and to make yourslef happy. It is worth it and so are you.
Welcome to MIP.
Love Jeannie
Dear FOY:
First of all - I apologize for the length of this post....
It seems like a drastic measure, but in some cases it must be done. My 22yo A daughter knows she has a home to come to, but will not go anywhere without her drug dealer boyfriend, and I've made no bones about the fact that he is NOT welcome in my home, so she'd rather live in poverty than be without him. They were staying in a motel that they were due to lose last Friday, so she called my mother begging for money for the umpteenmillionth time; my mom said no, so my daughter decided to threaten suicide "because she had no other option". My mom called me and told me this, so I called my daughter, and she basically told me that I was the world's worst mother, and how could I let her be homeless, blah, blah, blah... She also told me 3 times that she felt that suicide was her only option. Emotional blackmail? I'm not so sure.
In 1988, my darling stepmother finally succumbed to the clinical depression that had her in and out of hospitals and institutions throughout my high school years and after about 500 (yes, FIVE HUNDRED) attempts, finally succeeded in killing herself. I do NOT take threats of suicide lightly. In July of 2005, my daughter's boyfriend threatened to leave her, so she slit her wrists. Thank GOD it was just superficially, but that prompted us to put her in a rehab. So when she threatened suicide last week, I had no choice but to take it seriously and had her Baker Acted. This was last Tuesday. I drove to her place of work, and had 2 police officers meet me there. I told my side of the story, we got my mom on the phone and she told one of the officers her side, and despite my daughter's ranting, the cops decided that our fears were indeed founded, and they took her. As we left the business, her boyfriend was outside, and my daughter shouted over to him that she was "being Baker Acted because my mom is crazy!"... (this is the same child who told me that it's okay to be co-dependent as long as both parties are co-dependent on each other.)
She was so angry with me. I suppose from an A standpoint, I can understand it - of course I don't agree with it, but I understand. She was to be held for up to 72 hours, and then released. If she did stay the whole time, she would have been released last Friday. I have not seen or heard from her since, and really don't expect to. I don't know if she accepted the help that the county was willing to offer or not. She hasn't contacted anyone in her closest support circle, her godmother or my sister, so I don't know if she still has her job, or where she's living, or anything. There's a very real possibility that she may never want to speak to me again. This not knowing is awful, but I do know that I made the absolute right choice in doing what I had to do to protect her from herself at that moment.
Your husband may resent you, may resent the fact that HE does not have control over what he must go through, but if he is a danger to himself, and has no intention of getting help on his own, it's a viable option.
I wish you the very best, and will keep you in my prayers. Whatever you choose, I pray that you are as at peace with your decision as I am with mine. Take care of you.
Allison
Edited to add: Before I joined Al-Anon, I don't think I would have been able to handle this rationally. I am so grateful to the program for my sanity. I would suggest that you share with as many people as you're comfortable sharing with, and maybe try to hit a few F2F meetings. It's a terribly difficult decision, but if it's the right one, let your HP guide you through it. All the best.
-- Edited by ajt62 at 21:55, 2006-01-04
Yep I've tried it for my husbands cocaine addiction. It was called a Marchment Act.
It did absolutely no good. Was nothing but a total waste of my time and effort. Time and effort I could have used to work on myself and my own recovery.
*Forced Recovery* of any kind never works. They have to want it. Doesn't matter how badly we want it for them, they have to want it for themselves in order for it to work.