Hello everyone,

Not feeling very proud of myself today, because of the added vet bills and holiday stuff this year my A and I agreed that we would put our Christmas checks from parents in towards household bills. This is the broken promise and lie I found out about right before the holiday, he cashed his checks and did whatever with it. Today I put mine towards the bills, I didn't want to but I needed to. And I will be grateful later I did when I am not so far behind as I could be. Right now though I am mad, and resentful.

On top of it when I got home today, I was confronted with a couple other things, my A being irresponsible towards our dog that involved his family ... huge sore spot for me. Between half his family being addicts and other half being his cover up lies to me, it just stings.

He asked what was wrong, I let it out ... That I put my money in towards bills, that he left the dog before making sure those needs were met, that he said he was at his family's, that I came right home to take care of my responsibilities. I didn't blame him, and I am not getting a rush from being holier than him, just stated facts ... he ran out the door to go to work. I don't know who I resent more, him for not being a grown up or myself for being one. I'm just plain angry and I don't want to be. Help please.

 

(((((Jennifer))))))

I can relate to your feelings.  I love the saying "say what you mean, mean what you say, just don't say it mean."  When this type of thing happens to me, I just know that I can't respond immediately, I'd be meaner than heck but holding on to it, keeping it inside me, well that only gave me time to be condescending in my tone when I finally spoke up (either that or explosive lol).  Nothing like having a resentment, then turning around and making my A resent my attitude.  Viscous cycle. 

I think it is wonderful you were able to say what you meant, without saying it mean.  I understand also how hard it is to let that kind of resentment go.  I did without to take care of things, gave up things to help with the bills etc while the A didn't seem to care.  These are hard resentments!!  I'll share with you what helped me, I began treating myself to small indulgences.  I stopped being so sacrificing and started being a little nicer to myself.  I prayed that my HP would handle the big things regarding our finances and accepted that taking $6 out to treat myself to lunch after an Al-anon meeting or a new bottle of lotion was not going to break our already broken finances.  What it did do was help me.  It also helped me to stop saying I give up everything to make this work while my A is blah blah blah.  Because I quit giving up everything, and started taking care of myself.

Liz

A wise person once told me this.. Hope it helps.. Alcoholic's LIE that is what they do.. Dont expect anything more than they are capable of giving.. Then you wont have anything to be dissapointed about. She also said... Alcoholic's arent responsible people and the sooner you figure that out the better I will be. ** Good Advice, i am working on these everyday.. It is hard because you get really tired of being the only one in a relationship that has responsibility. Not sure there is an answer to this but just wanted you to know what advice was given to me when i had a similar situation. Tammy

Thank you, Liz and Tammy for your thoughts and advice. I normally do treat myself and it helps remind me that little things can make me so happy. it will be a little while before I can again, that time will come though. A's do lie and they are not responsible, and I did set myself up for it. I meditated, I prayed, I pilated ... he called to say sorry for running out of the house, I didn't answer, just listened to the message. Fact is I am still angry. I have accepted that I was wronged, I can practice changing my ways of setting myself up in the future, I am grateful my bills are paid, I am grateful he went to work, I am grateful I am learning enough that it is not eating me up inside, I am grateful I can go to work and smile and be happy.  I dread the coming home and finding out whether he is walking on eggshells or stuck in self righteous "so whatville" ... <sigh> Just venting .. Thank you for listening/reading

I am in a very similar place.  My boyfriend let the internet service be cut off. Then he told me I did not need to be on the internet. I do not tell him what his needs are and what I contribute is late and inconvenience him. He always has an excuse. He is lazy in regards to our relationship.  I am sick of it. I am so so sick of it. I bust my gut to do what I have to. Does he?  No.  I do not want to admit to that but it is true, he has every excuse in the book, every one up there. He does not care how his behavior impacts me at all.  I asked him this week to do certain things he did 1 in 10. And I ask very very little of him. A friend of his comes over he does not ask them to wait or sometime to them. No he jumps for them.  And he always jumps for his mother right away whenever she calls he runs there !!

I have reminded him over and over again when the rent is due. He has not paid it. I will go out and get some stamps today and give him them. That is all I can do I have limits today. If he does not pay it I will deal with it then. I will not MAKE him do it.  I have my own issues to attend to.

I seriously seriously empathize with you and understand how corrosive this stuff is. I undestand very very much so please do not feel you are alone.

 

Maresie