I learned that my a husband did something else on new years eve that he doesn't remember and wouldn't be happy to hear that he did and I was shocked to hear myself. 

My best girlfriend told me last night that he slapped her butt, and he did it really hard. 

She said no one else was in the kitchen at the time and when she turned around, he didn't say anything.  I know it is something he would never do if he wasn't drunk but it does bother me a bit.  Is it worth even telling him now? He has taken ownership for his behavior that night (even if he doesn't remember)? Or should I let it go?

It makes me wonder if the behavior he displayed, like calling someone a skin head (who isn't a skin head but a really nice guy) and doing that to my best friend is my husband's true feelings and desires. Is it something that he always thinks about doing but only has the audacity to do when drunk?     

Wow Jule, I'd say.....I'm not sure. I know that doesn't help but hopefully you'll not feel so alone in not knowing. Pre-Alanon I'd be all over it. Now if I got in her face about it, I'd consider it a slip in my program. But to say something? I'm not sure. Would you husband want to hear so he knows what he is doing? Would telling him benefit him in knowing what he truly does? Or by telling him are we getting involved in someone elses business. This was between him and her, maybe she should tell him? So many questions. One thing is that think I'd have to examine here is what my motives were? Is it my business? By doing this am I trying to control, by making him feel worse? Bob

To phrase it in the Latin, "in vino veritas." I would not bother to tell him. Serves no purpose. Best to you, Diva

Hi Jule,

As your husband is already aware of how he behaved that night, and has accepted it, I don't see how it would serve any purpose to tell him anymore.

I don't know how close he is with your friend. If she feels it needs to be addressed, then I would let her talk to him about it and he can have the opportunity to apologize to her himself.

I think you bringing it up to him would just seem like rubbing his nose in it.

I hope he has learned from this and better New Years Eves are to come.

                               Love Jeannie

Just a point of view of a recovering alcoholic. From your previous posts I see that he has had 4 years of sobriety and has had an AA program. This might be key in your decision to let him know. Without this experience it may be worthless to try to talk to him about what happened, his lack of awareness of his disease would probably lead to denial about it. With some previous sobriety under his belt you may be able to use this opportunity to his (and your) advantage.

I think the key here is to approach him in a loving and NON JUDGEMENTAL manner. If you truly belive that this is not his true-self acting and is caused by his disease, you may be able to talk to him about it with a positive outcome. I realize, and so do most others in recovery, that my behavior when drinking was nothing to be proud of, and that I often did or said horrible things because of my drinking. Facing this stuff now in an honest way is what helps me stay sober. "We will not regret the past, nor shut the door on it" is a part of the Big Book that comes to mind. What's done is done, we can't change it by worrying about it or ignoring it, but we can learn from it.

If he did things in a blackout, there is no way he will remember the specifics to learn from those mistakes. He may feel the remorse and guilt of blacking out, but there may be the lingering hope in his head that he didn't do anything regretable that night. I remember feeling that way many, many times. I have a much different attitute about this stuff now because I am aware of what my disease can do to me and what it takes to recover.

Give this some thought, there are no easy answers. But please do not get into an argument about it with him, that will serve no purpose.

 

Lou

I think for me the living on eggshells stuff is the norm. When I do my inventory of a lot of relationships I find that substance abuse is a common theme through them.  Of course I have also had friends in recovery do stuff consciously that is embrassing and hurtful also. 

I think I can label it as the drinking but it is for me a theme of not being understood, being embarassed and feeling responsible for other's behavior.  I can feel embarassed by other's behavior now and not own it as reflecting on me.  I can also set a lot of limits around who I am around and whether I am around people who consume substances and when.

I think its a complicated picture.  I know my own behavior as a hyper reactive person can also leave something to be desire and there were no substances involved.  

I think with an alcoholic in particular they are very good at sliding the boundaries of responsibility in fact they are expert at it. Otherwise they might stop drinking.  This week the dui figures came out for the new years and it was staggering. The cost alone of a dui and the cost long term is staggering.  I can therefore only presume that people have to be in considerable denial to do it.  I used to think it was my job to rid the world of denial now I don't. My own is pretty thick about my own behavior.  When I get my house straight I might consider going over to straighten other people's even in a relationship.  I think it takes all my time to keep mine straight personally at the moment.

Maresie.

Dear Jule, I wonder why your best friend told you of this? Presumably, she is an adult, and well able to tell your husband that he offended her. Maybe, she was scared he would tell you? Though, it doesn't sound like it. Many years ago (OK, not that many! I am in my prime!), I came across this behaviour - a friend's husband, under the influence, made a pass. Now, this was long before I knew anything about alanon - but, I let him know that this was unacceptable. He was mortified, and apologised - end of story. Your friend, she comes to you with the story. No-one truly knows your situation well enough to advise. You might want to consider, take the heat out of it - just tell him, let him apologise and be done with it. In that case, your friend will know you two are a couple, with a united front. Or, say nothing, agree with Uncle Lou, if he in blackout, he will have no recollection - but, be aware that your friend has an insight into your lives - hopefully, she will put the incident behind her, but, dont let her manipulate you. What I have come to realise, Jule, is that not all As are the bad guys. There are manipulative people out there who do not even have alcohol as the excuse. Give it some thought - would it suit your friend if you and hubby split up? Maybe there is even a hint of jealousy there. Now, one last thought, we all in alanon here, we come into contact with As. what would you do, if the shoe was on the other foot? I mean, what if the hubby of one of your alanon friends made a pass? Would you spare her the hurt? Would you tell her, in case he did? Dont stew over it, dear girl, in the end, it is not such a big deal!!!! Someone got a smack on the backside - unwelcome - but, she will live!!!!! Lots of love, keep posting, Flora xxxx

Thanks Flora and all.

Just want to clarify: my friend told me just to be honest and open. She told me and said it wasn't a big deal and that she didn't know if it was something he should even know since he was in a different mental state.  She said it was up to me to tell him or not if I chose to.