I made this topic today at the meeting...."Fear of Letting Go"

I thought I would share it one here as well for those who could not make it to the meeting... This is truly i find my worst fear of all.I don't know why,but something always holds me back from letting go.Letting go of the past is especially hard for me.It is like it is embedded into my head...SPinnning around and around...

I am also afraid of a lot of different things.I have the mentality that I will somehow fail in doing something to better my life.I am afraid of failure.I want to succeed in life so much.I want to rise above all the negative in my life,and turn into something good.I know what I want to do,and I always did.I want to help people.This is my passion.I also need to realize I need help as well.I have too many monsters in my closet...and too much dir under the carpet.

I thought today...how come I am not getting better??..I have  2 antidepressants..and one mood stabilizer,but yet I still feel that little part of me that is broken.

I know there is no magical pill...I so want that to be the case in my eyes.I think I kind of know why I can't let go..I think it is because none of my perpetrators were ever..nor will they ever pay for what they did.That is constantly on my mind.

It should not be,but it is.I can't stop those thoughts that arise with this. I am getting better of accepting the fact that I cannot get my mom back.She is not dead,but she is in her whirlpool of guilt.I know she feels bad because she did not save me from the abuse,but I DON"T BLAME HER....As much as I wanted to soo bad..it was not her fault,yeah she could have done something,but I know my dad...He probably said if she told..he would kill her family..or her kids..So she decided to let it go.

I am proud of her for leaving him.The day she left him was the day I was free.I could honestly say it was the happiest day of my life.I know it sounds crude,but I knew I would no longer hurt anymore.

I don't know why I hold onto this...I am afraid of moving on or getting better because this is all I have known.I would not know what to do with myself if life was serene...I need that chaos I want the fighting..Just saying that..I know I have a problem...

I don't know where faith plays a role in this..I fluctuate with my beliefs.One day there is no God..the next where is he??and so on..

He is with me...I just need to trust what is unseen. He is working on me.EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON..sometimes I want to know the reason.I know this too shall pass..and Pray to God for me to let it go..I want soo badly to move on,but I am stuck.I want help.....And once I let go of this..there will be peace after my down pour of rain...

lauren~

Lauren,

I agree. I also have a fear of letting go and a lot of the time I don't know how to let go of the past. Great idea for a topic for a meeting and smart thinking by posting it on here too.

Lanchas

-- Edited by Lanchas at 01:28, 2006-01-03

Hi Lauren I came to a simple realization myself last night and I thought to myself what is it that makes us so afraid.  It came to me that it was the fear of CHANGE.  Sometimes we don't move on because it is comfortable to stay where we are even if we don't like the situation.  Change can be good and open up new opportunities but we have to be emotionally ready for it.  Hope this helps a little.  Luv Leo x 

thanks leo and lanchas..Leo you always help me out..and give me hope..ty

lauren~

((((lauren)))) I would say that one of the hardest parts of life is accepting the past, finding our individual strengths, and moving on. Definately not the same person that we were before we experienced pain or trauma, but in Gods eyes we are still the same. Coming to terms with my past is still something that i struggle with as well, all the years it seems that there was no way out..... no way to feel alive, just alone. Keep praying, and have faith Lauren, the clouds will drift away. The sun will shine again. It is easy to get discouraged, those bad days while tough, you can get through, all of us here are with you. buzz

Dear Lauren: I think I work through different levels about abuse at different times in my life. I think I worked through what happened, what it did to me then, and then later on I worked through how it affected me as an adult. My boyfriend thinks the best thing would be to not think about it at all but I am not sure that is possible since it affected every area of my life.

For some of us letting go means we shift from one area of the abuse issues to another, for others it is different. Every one has a different process and I don't think there is a cookie cutter approach to it any more than there is a set amount of time to heal from any injury. I do know that for me it affected the way I view my entire family, my siblings, my mother and father, aunts everyone.  I know I also needed a lot support through looking at it and still do.

I also know that at various points in my life I beat myself up that I was not further along, did not have better resources and could not function in various areas of my life. Now I just ask myself the question am I doing the best I can?  And generally the answer is yes.

I have sought out other resources for myself including therapy (I have a 2nd therapy appointment tomorrow). I have seen many therapists, some of them helped, others didn't. Now I have the attitude of they may help it helps because when I had the attitude of they had to help I felt a lot of anger and rage and confusion when they didn't.  Not all forms of therapy work for everyone the same as not all medications provide instant relief.  I used to think I missed out some that I did not take medications (anti depressants). When I look at my own physical health issues I know I have a lot of issues with medications (side effects and more and  none of them cure me.  I probably would have had the same trials with anti depressants and anti anxiety medications if I had taken that route. 

I am glad that you are seeking support and care for yourself.  12 step groups are an excellent avenue and I think the more resources one has the better. It is like having a full tool box rather than just one or two tools to try to go after a complicated job.

Maresie.

Hola Lauren,

Well, maybe just a wee touch of old fashioned religion, since you brought up the subject.  The Old Testment teaches us to feel guilt for our sins and it names them!  oh dear!  But the hopeful part is that the story isn' t over: The New Testament teaches redemption and forgiveness of sins.  Perhaps it is time, no matter what your religious belief is to work the steps.

And, am not in favor of medication, although I qualify that remark by saying that I'm not a doctor or a therapist.  I feel problems start over after you leave off medication.  You have a good head on your shoulders and want to change.  These are the most impt. considerations.  You might want to consider weaning yourself gradually off the pills.

You have nothing to punish yourself for.  You are a child of HP, and a child.  As far as your father is concerned,  well, you acted instinctally, as a child or small animal would.  Keep seeking, you will put it all together and odat.

tu abuelita

toto

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Lauren, I wasn't going to post - I am always talking to you, one way or the other!!! However, I want to say this, AGAIN, you committed no sin - you were robbed of things that every child should be entitled to have, as a right. I wish you could let go, a little, and read you own posts - maybe you will see how much progress you are making, and, how much you help other people. I have no direct experience of your childhood abuse, I have heard about people writing letters to the abuser, then burning them - maybe, recognising that part of their life is now dead? I dont know. But, I do think, your poetry is something that will help you, and can enlighten others, and, can just be enjoyed! Be kind to yourself, be your own inner, "approving parent"! You have many friends here, who love and care for you. Lots of love, Flora xxxx

I have a hard time with letting go as well. However I have a much harder time with letting go of the men in my life then letting go of the past. I'm at peasce with my past. I have a string healthy relationship with both my mother and father. My father, my Primary "A", has a strong program and it working on his own serenity.

However, I have a hard time cutting off poisonous  or potentionally poisonous relationships. My last major relationship was with an alcoholic and we stayed "friends" for over a year after we broke up. In finally decided that he was still relying on me for his happiness and looking for my approval and I couldn't be in that friendship anymore.He still calls but I stopped takingh is calls several months ago.

My more recent relationship with my current alcoholic is another toughy. I adore him. I see so many wonderful things in him. But he pulls away from me, he doesn't want to take and communicate anything haveing to do with his feelings. We had a huge e-mail fight yesterday and he just stopped writing back.

All of my friends tell me that I need to cut him out of my life. That he's poison to me. But I can't let go. I don't want to let go.

It is hard for me to let go. It is easier to stay in the past and not worry about chaning. However that is not the wise thing to do. Everyone has to change whether we like it or not.