Dear Maria, Flora and others

Thanks for your replies to my message!

I have an honest question for this board because it is something I have wondered about for a long time.

There seems to be a common thread throughout all your messages: "Go to meetings and focus on YOU."  I don't quite get the "focus on you" part of this.  Why focus on me so much and switch the focus from his behavior appraisal and change, to my own?  I'm not the one with the drinking problem.   I don't know what to report and why it is so important that people like us, who live with alcoholics, have to go to meetings. Support is great, but wondering, honestly, if it is just that, the support part of it or are we part of the problem?  Do we have to change our behavior to get the relationship into a good place?  Thanks for your patience and understanding. I'm trying to figure this all out.

 

Jule,

 

you put the focus on you to help your healing.  Through Al-anon we learn the 3 C's.  We didnt cause it, we cant control it, and we cant cure it.  Getting wrapped up in his/her problems dont do anything but drive us more nuts.  The more involved we get the worse it gets.  We cant control what anyone else does but we can focus on ourselves and our attitudes to make each and every day better for us.  We can only control what and how things affect US.  Put the focus into what makes you happy or what helps you feel good.

Hi Jule,

I had that same thought and question years ago when my A husband first showed this side of himself to me. He was my favorite project to work on. Over time his actions and the situations created brought out habits and personality traits in myself that made me feel terrible. I was angry, resentful, untrusting, basically disillusioned with the world. There are so many areas "focusing on myself" helped it is hard to even begin. By focusing on myself, I was able to stop focusing on him and see how I had changed ... why I was having problems liking myself and the life I was living. I do not have control over life in general but I do have control over how I respond to it. By seeking out habits I did not respect myself for, I am working on changing them and that is making me happy. Focusing on myself also means taking care of myself, which in turn helps me to be able to feel at peace even when things seem upside down, because I know where I am.

You asked if we are part of the problem ...

In my particular situation yes I became part of the problem, my reactions to situations gave excuses for him to fall apart. I do not like being an excuse, so changes were needed. Double bonus to this is not only do I feel good about myself, but excuses to fall apart sre harder to find.

I don't know if any of this makes sense, it is simply what I have found to work for me. Thanks for reading, I wish you the best.

Jennifer

Dear Jule: Well the focus is on our relationship with ourselves. I think if I were able to see the big picture of my boyfriends' behavior I would not take it personally.  The first Christmas we had together he haired home from a holiday we were on 100's of miles away to smoke dope with his brother and get drunk. Every Christmas since including this one he has smoked dope and drunk with his brother. He stays up all night with his brother, gets wasted, comes home happy then goes into physical withdrawal same thing every year. I don't believe it has anything to do with me although he'll set me up to think that by arguing with me and setting me up to be angry at him so he has an excuse to go there.  He drank and used long before he met me but he would like to say to me and others the reason he goes to be with his brother is because he is upset that I am angry at him.  Well clearly that is his lie since he went to his brother's every Christmas that I know of.  I do not need to hold onto his lie or focus on his behavior. Clearly I cannot control what he wants to do for Christmas nor can I control that he has physical withdrawl afterwards.  I therefore can give up the fantasy that it is anything to do with me and stop feeling guilty and stop being angry at him. I can have my own Christmas and not take it personally. Admittedly that is not a couple's christmas that I would like but it nevertheless is within my power to have a Christmas I like rather than take his behavior as a reflection on me.

I therefore focus on me to stop giving him an excuse to blame me, use me, have me act like a s a warden for him or otherwise. Since he returned from his brothers I have not said anything to him about going there , what he got there, what he did there (I know what it is).  I have said nothing about my own Christmas (he didn't ask what that was).  I don't know that I will discuss Christmas again with him because clearly he will do what he wants to do and there is no amount of persuasion that will push him into seeing that I would like to have a couple's Christmas.  I therefore do not set myself up for more disappointment and obsession. Admittedly I have feelings about not having a couple's christmas but they do not have to amount to obsessive changing of him and obsessive begging pleading and remonstrating that it is my Christmas too.  I did that it didn't work.  I therefore have to work on myself and not set myself up to be disappointed anymore and not set myself up to be used by him to justify his behavior at my expense.  I no longer have to rage, beg, plead, obsess and ask his friends to intervene (that didn't help either).  I no longer have to cry because I take it personally because of course his drinking and using was there long long before I ever was..it is not personal to me that he drinks and uses so it is not something I am responsible to or for.  It is his behavior and he is responsible for it not me and he has to at some point be accountable to that to himself and choose to change if he wants to because only if he wants to will change occur. 

maresie.

Jule,

Welcome to MIP.

I had the same thoughts when I first came across Al Anon.  As usual I was looking for another way to get my husband/addict clean and sober since nothing I had tried up to that point worked.  I stumbled upon an Al Anon site and could relate to so much of what was being shared.  These people had the same feelings, hurts, anger and frustrations as I did.  Only difference between me and them was that they had found a way to live happily regardless of what the addict in their life was doing, or not doing.  I just couldn't imagine how back then.

Around this same time my A put himself into rehab.  It was highly recommended by this facility that all family attend their Al Anon meetings prior to visiting.  I so rebelled against this at the time.  Thought to myself, why the hell should *I* have to go to meetings??  There's nothing wrong with me!  I'm not the one out doing drugs every night and ruining their lives, HE is!!

What I've learned is while we are not in any way the cause of their drinking/drugging, this is considered a family disease because it does affect the whole family.....from the youngest to the oldest.  The closer you are to the addict/alcoholic, the more you are affected.

A cycle begins........they use, we try everything in our power to get them to stop, they continue to use, we feel like failures....are we not pretty enough? smart enough? good enough housekeepers/providers?  why don't they love us enough to stop this insanity??

Going to meetings, getting a sponsor, working the steps and shifting our focus off them and onto us.....is for US.  It's not intended to have any effect on them or their addiction.  It helps us first recognize that they are suffering from a disease with very specific symptoms: drug abuse being the most obvious, lying, stealing, staying out late or not coming home at all etc etc.

We learn that nothing we say or do can make them stop using, just as nothing we say or do can make them pick up and use.  We learn what enabling is and how not to do it.  We learn how to set boundaries for ouselves to protect ourselves from the effects of their addiction.  We learn how to detach with love from the addiction and not necessarily from the addict/alcoholic themself.  We learn to fine tune our *bullshit* filters so that we don't keep falling for their lies and broken promises.  The longer we stick with this program and really begin to work it, we start to realize that we have our own issues to deal with.  We're not the perfect people we thought we were when comparing ourselves to the out of control addict in our lives.  We're not the victims we thought we were.  We actually had a very active role in allowing our lives to become unmanageable because of someone elses addiction.  We learn how to change our reactions to their behavior.  Thereby allowing us to be happy and have some serenity in our lives even if their behavior stays the same.

Now.........does all of our hard work have ANY effect on the alcoholic/addict?  I do believe it does.  If we learn how to stop enabling them.......they just may reach their bottom sooner.  If we stop allowing them to drag us into their insane world of addiction and learn how to really LIVE our lives regardless of what they are doing......it just may give them the desire to change.

We don't have to change our behavior to get the relationship into a good place, we have to change our behavior to get us into a good place.

We focus on ourselves, because focusing on them doesn't work. It does no good. Doesn't make us happier, doesn't make anybody's lives any better. We cannot change them. We can only change ourselves. I agree with Kathy - it's easy to look good, to think that WE aren't the ones with a problem, when comparing ourselves to an alcoholic. However, when we compare ourselves to the people we could be, when we compare ourselves to our dreams for ourselves, well, then maybe we don't look so good. Maybe I am a better parent than the drunk out in the bar, but am I the best parent I could be? Or am I obsessing about the drunk's behaviour, instead of nurturing my children? We focus on ourselves because God did not put us on this earth to be the background story to someone else's descent into disease and despair. We were put here to live our own lives, not bob in the wake of another's journey. What is YOUR story? That's where your focus needs to be.

Jule

None of us are perfect, we can all stand some self improvement.  LOL

Also living w/ an A can make us ill.  We can eithe develope or validate unheahtly coping behaviors we have.  Some us are drawn to A's because it fits dysfunctions we didn't realize we had.  Then we try to 'help' the A but controlling them and their drinking.  We count, we hide bottles, we poor out, we nag.  Does any of this control the drinking?  No the drinking controls our behavior.

By focusing on ourselves we can focus on our own behaviors, and this includes doing things for our own well being and happiness.  Sometimes this allows the A to reach their own bottom of their own accord and seek help, sometimes it allows us to find a serene place to stay with our A, sometimes it convinces us and gives us strength to move on and leave the A to their own devices. 

Either way, we no longer live our lives w/ our happiness attached to the lace of alcohol in our A's lives.  We detach from the disease, lovingly if we can, detach w/o love if we ultimately have to. 

Alanon gives us community w/ those who have been thru it all, who have tried it all.  It didn't work.  It gives us community with those who have tried a different approach. 

That's what I get out of focusing on me, 4 months into this program.

 

Bob

Wow! thank you for this thread everyone

Jule:

Truth is is that alcoholism/addiction is a family disease. Everyone needs to heal from the unhealthy behavior.  Yes, our A's are sick but we are too. Our reactions are generally unhealthy and my personal opinion (take what you want leave the rest) is that we had to be unhealthy in some ways in order to get involved with the A in the first place. In an effort to beome more healthy for ourselves, it important to fcus on ourselves, our own reactions (or lack thereof)  because it benefits us.

When I met my A I knew what he was. I thought that I was special enough and strong enough to help him see the "light"...truth is, this has been a pattern in my relationships for many years as I fell in love with those with "potential" and not what they actually did for me. A natural caretaker I took on this role wholeheartedly and though I could..do it all. Well, alas, I couldn't. I drove myself to the brink of insanity trying to make him change. When I actually let go (and let God) I was able to think about myself for once. I didn't cause his disease, I couldn't control it and I sure as hell can't cure it.

I hope that you can in time through this board and f2f meeting see that this disease is truly one that effects all of us. Just as there can't be good without bad there can't be addict without co-dependent.

As I said, take what you like. Leave the rest.

Yours in recovery,

Kim

 

Jule,

Good post.  I need to hear the basics again and again at least right now every day.

I really liked what Kathy and linn and so many others said.

I need my lessons in manageable bites.

 

Athena

Hi Jule,

You asked if you are part of the problem. I can't answer for you but I know I was.

I know I got caught in the insanity. Someone told me that the definition of insanity is to keep doing the same things but expecting different results.

I tried all things, hiding the beer. Stacking empties around the room, taking money off charge cards to pay the mortgage, because he took his paycheck. Working two jobs because he couldn't hold one. I cried and ranted and raved and cursed and made myself a flaming bitch and then the next day a saint and a martyr.

I lied to his boss, I lied to his friends, I lied to my boss and most of all myself. No matter what I did, he kept drinking, and I did everything.

I realized that he wasn't the one who had changed, I was. As his drinking progressed, I stopped having fun, I stopped living. I looked at it as I grew up, but he didn't. In reality I became a drudge, granted it was because of his drinking, but it still happened to me.

I didn't want to admitt that I had a problem, heck, I was the perfect wife, the perfect mother, the perfect everything, yet he blamed me for everything, called me Saint Jeannie or little Miss perfect and still I cried.

No one is perfect, especially not me. we don' have the ability to change anothers actions and feelings, but we can deal with our own and decide if we want to change them. We can stop taking the blame, stop enabling and stop hiding, we can be happy, we can have fun.

Step four was the hardest and still is for me. It was easy to take my husbads inventory, heck he is a drunk, he won't work, he is immature, and on and on. Taking my own is a lot harder, and very humbling.

We Alanoners tend to worry about everyone, except oursleves, we can fix everything, we will help anyone do anything, but we often forget to be good to ourselves. We are not doormats, we deserve to be happy.

                    love Jeannie