Admittedly I no longer share with my boyfriend my desire to celebrate anything. He has so long sabataged my dreams or mired them in some calamity with his desire to drink. I had a lot of fear over New Years that he would go out and drink and get a dui. He did not do that. Instead he does his crash at home stuff, stuck in front of the TV, guarding the remote control like it is his divine right.  I pay for the satellite but you would not think so because to allow me to watch any specific channel is like asking for a divine intervention.  I step around his obtuseness very well, detach, go to meetings, seek support elsewhere. Yet I think there is still that part of me that wants someone who wants to make me feel special. At midnight when the neighbors went crazy with fireworks, he was snoring. Our beagle, who is a very frightened dog sometimes came running out and i had to comfort her. He is totally oblivious of anything but his needs and that's really the way its always been.

Then the next day one of his friends who has crossed, squashed and plundered many of my boundaries comes over.  It would really have been better for me if he had told me that this man was coming so I could go out. Does he?  No? the friend comes before I do as always.  I was furious that this man was coming over on my  holiday same as always pushing on my boundaries. Whenever I was resting this man was at the door bang bang bang bang bang for years on end. And my boyfriend never set a limit with him.  I don't know whether it was because he didn't set limits (he definitely set them with me) or whether I was not considered worthy of limits after all I am just the girlfriend who pays for it all. I am only glad that my HP did not let me go to the door because I would have been furious to answer the door to him. Now I am angry once again that all this deceit is going on and I am not considered worthy enough to consult and tell when his friend is coming over.  Once again I am last on the list.

The good thing is that I did not give them the joy of exploding or even being angry. I just said nothing and did nothing just honored my rage myself. Clearly my boyfriend knows without a doubt I do not want this man around and thank god he is no longer coming in the house using every dish, sticking his stuff in the fridge, insisting on using the bathroom waking me up when I am asleep on the couch, complaining that his life is not wonderful and more.  It has been a tremendous lesson in boundaries for me to deal with someone as obnoxious as him. I have of course dealt with many tremendously obnoxious people. My parents thought nothing of just showing up at my house and staying for hours.  I just didn't know how to deal with it. Now my plan of action is if I am alone this man can knock on the door till eternity I am not answering it. I am not giving him another second of my attention ever.  He can bang, complain he wants to get in the driveway.  Personally I think he is obsessed with driveways. He can load his car with whatever stuff he put in the shed in the back from wherever but no everyone has to "do" for him and help him and make a fuss and take all day about it. The whole world has to fall at his feet when he goes anywhere.    And I put up with this for years.  That says a lot about my boundaries. I had no al-anon then. I would simply take myself out of the equation now. My boyfriend can deal with him but he is not coming into my personal space to use my bathroom, mess it up, use my water (bottled water is expensive that man took cases and cases of stuff and never offered one).  I have to work really really super hard to not notice stuff. He and my boyfriend had a partnership of sorts. He shows up yesterday with some SUV.  He has money he took all the money from the partnership always, he needed it, he needed more money because it was his talent. I guess my boyfriend was just the slave. Right now my boyfriend has no money and leans on me all the time.  I say nothing about the suv its between him and the boyfriend but secretly inside I seethe.  This guy ran all over him and took him to the cleaners and he is still catering to him. I know not to say anything because when I have i have been punished for it.  The issue is that he is not taking me to the cleaners anymore. He is not in my  house, eating my food (for nothing) drinking my water, using my tv (this guy would commandeer the remote control whenever he came in nice of him huh) taking up my bathroom, trying to move in.  He is not doing that because I set a boundary and told him to get lost. It is up to my boyfriend to tell him to get lost on other counts. I cannot control who he speaks to and how he manages his life. I have set a lot more limits on financial stuff. I concentrate on my own bills. His business stuff he can do on his own. I am not part of his business never was but I was supposed somehow to support it till my dying breath. What did I get for that a lot of grief.

So I am not having a good time of it.  I have severe boundary tests but so far I am doing good. I am saying nothing. I am taking care of me (for once). I am putting the energy into me rather than into moaning, worrying, obsessing about my boyfriend.  I am letting things go.  That man is extremely annoying and I  do not need him in my personal space. I will not have him in my personal space.  That is assured. Of course I know if and when I go out of town he is probably in my personal space and I may think of taking actions around that.  I may not. I may just surrender that one to not being in control of it either. I cannot mould my life around my boyfriend's lack of boundaries and inability to protect himself from predators. I just have to work on myself one day at a time.

Maresie.

(((Maresie)))

Selfish is what A's do best. It isn't about what we are worth, in fact is has nothing to do with us.

A's attract other A's and yes predators. All you can do is protect yourslef, and stick to your boundaries, concentrate on the things you can change and can control, leave the rest to your boyfriend.

Keep taking care of yourself, no matter what you think he feels, you are important.

                        Love jeannie

thanks for sharing

Im feeling that the more I read the more I identify

Jeanie: The potatoes were a metaphor when I asked him to peel some he peeled only enough for himself!  I guess he doesn't have the concept of other.

Oh unless they are to give to him of course!

maresie.