Hi there,

I'm new here. My father is my qualifier. I started al- anon about 4 years ago, but I haven't been working my program for long time. I just started going to meetings again, but I thought this might be a good place to share my support.

In any case, I've fallen for another alcoholic. I'm trying desperately not to be with him, but it's hard. He's a wonderful man. And he's everything I could want and more. EXCEPT that he's an alcoholic. My heart is telling me to let go and let myself love him. My head is telling me that I deserve more. I'm miserable.

Sometimes I think, "I could be with him and it wouldn't be the same as the alcoholics I've been with before becuase I could be different this time." And then my rational side says, "Run for the hills protect yourself."

Is it possible to have a happy loving relationship with an alcoholic?

 

Happy New Year,

 

Em

 

Not with an active one, in my humble opinion....

You sound like you know what you need to do to "break the cycle", and it has precious little to do with the decision of this new A in your life..... Time to work on you, and dive into YOUR program of recovery.... Al-Anon will help you grow, so that you don't keep repeating behaviors you don't wanna do...

Take care

Tom

I think its great to love anyone as long as you love yourself too. As someone who grew up in a tremendously dysfunctional family I think I learned dysfunctional love I learned to give to others more than I did myself.  I am not sure what it is with those grooves of behavior that learned to love extremely dysfunctional men but I certainly have them. I think its in order to repeat and try to get right what I didn't get right as a child (of course I could not get it right then since I was a child).

I think its wonderful you are coming back to al-anon and exploring this issue.  As someone who grew up in a dysfunctional family I tend to think in all or nothing terms. Its either I am in a relationship or nothing. In fact there are lots of different kinds of relationships.  I didn't know that till I worked on myself. I do not have to commit myself totally and irrevocably to anything without consulting myself.  I used to think loving my boyfriend was about giving my life to him (he certainly seems to think that at times) I no longer do. I think its about marrying me first do I make a commitment to me and my physical health and emotional health then I can to others.  If I am not committed to my own good how can I be to others. If I am sacrficing myself for others in the end I will enter into some corrrosive resentment I know that I have been there and done that and I know what that costs me so I ask myself that all the time. I set limits. Do you have limits inside of what you will do and won't do or does your heart tell you love is limitless. 

My love is very very limited now. I can love someone and not be with them it does not mean I do not care about them. In fact it means I care a great deal about them but have limits and cares for myself too.  I think early on in any relationship it can feel wonderful, the real work is learning whether you can "be" together in work,play, family whatever. Sometimes you can and sometimes you can't. I don't think the quality of love has much to do with it.  In fact I think the more herculean the obstacle the more one can resent, control and try to fix someone.  I do not know anyone who was fixed by controlling or manipulation but I know alcoholics who got better because they went to a program and even then it was an incredible stretch for them to look at themselve.s  It is also of course an incredible stretch and a great deal of diligence for me to look at myself and be capable of relating in a healthy fashion rather than an unhealthy pattern.

 

maresie.

Thank you both.

I do need to work on me. The last several months have been very trying. I actually became pregnant by this person. I think that he did the best he could dealing with the situation. We sjointly decided that it wasn't the right time to bring a child into our lives. But there will always be a part of me that wished he had been over joyed and said, "Let's be a family."

I've been though a lot and have spent the last 2 months focusing on me and my needs. I used to reguarly throw dinner parties and spend a lot of time cooking for everyone. I've stopped the fequency of that and instead spent time in meetings, working out and reading my literature.

For the first time since I was pregnant I'm feeling like I have my head on straight and my priorities in the right place. But I love my 'A'. And it's miserable knowing that I deserve more than what he can give right now.

And I am sooooooooo right back to step one.

(((((Emafar))))

You will be back at step one so many more times. We are all a work in progress. We can't change how we feel. Love is love and you cna't make yourslef stop loving someone.

Just continue to work on you, continue to take care of you.

                         Love Jeannie

I have to keep reminding myself progress not perfection.

Emafer wrote:

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Hi there, I'm new here. My father is my qualifier. I started al- anon about 4 years ago, but I haven't been working my program for long time. I just started going to meetings again, but I thought this might be a good place to share my support. In any case, I've fallen for another alcoholic. I'm trying desperately not to be with him, but it's hard. He's a wonderful man. And he's everything I could want and more. EXCEPT that he's an alcoholic. My heart is telling me to let go and let myself love him. My head is telling me that I deserve more. I'm miserable. Sometimes I think, "I could be with him and it wouldn't be the same as the alcoholics I've been with before becuase I could be different this time." And then my rational side says, "Run for the hills protect yourself." Is it possible to have a happy loving relationship with an alcoholic?   Happy New Year,   Em  

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I'd like to quote from the suggested Al-Anon/Alateen Welcome (preamble) which is usually read at the beginning of every meeting.  "We who live or have lived with the problem of alcoholism understand as perhaps few others can.  We, too, were lonely and frustrated, but in Al-Anon/Alateen we discover that no situation is really hopeless and that it is possible for us to find contentment, and even happiness, whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not... So much depends on our own attitudes..."

I answer your ending question there with a resounding YES.  Anything is possible.  How we, ourself, think can have a big impact.  If I am expecting negativeness, ugliness - then I probably will see and get that.  If my attitude is one of negativeness, I'm going to attract that back.  On the other hand, if I change my attitude to one of positiveness, then I begin to attract that same attitude back.  I have seen people in program (and out of program) who cling to all the horrible negative things, their attitude one of "it can never get better because of _____ (fill in the blank)".  Every meeting they share their hopelessness, the horrible things that have happened to them, etc.  They remain "stuck".  Then there are those who come in, who vent and rage and cry...but they listen to others who were once there too.  And they grab ahold of the hope that Al-Anon teaches, and they apply the program tools, they change their own attitude, they work on their own issues - facing those issues and doing what they can about them, and gosh it is such a pleasure to watch the peace, happiness and serenity entering their life and being expressed by them! 

Our program is NOT about changing the alcoholic... it is about changing OURselves.  The realization hit me one day, it was not my hubby who had changed over the course of our relationship, but me.  I met and married him when he was active.  Despite being an active alcoholic, he was and is also a wonderful, caring man.  It was me who started reacting to the times he got drunk in a negative way.  It was me who initiated many of our verbal fights, often by just giving him a look of anger or disgust.  It was me who changed, who turned into a negative, ugly shrew who didn't know how to laugh or smile and took her own miserableness out on her husband and kids.  Thank God for Al-Anon which showed me the way back to myself, to that self who laughed and smiled and was a joy to be around.  When I began changing back to ME, my family improved also.  My hubby is still progressing in the disease, and we have our moments of trouble, but all in all, life is so much better now than it was 2 years ago before I had found Al-Anon.  I don't expect harmony every single day of my life.  Even in relationships without this disease, people have their moments of trouble.  So why expect not to have that?  The key is, how do we deal with it?  How do we choose to deal with it?

I love an Alcoholic too, and for me, that is okay.

With program love, Kis

Happy with an active alcoholic? Not in my opinion. I have only had one in my life, and I love him to pieces as long as he stays sober. But if it looked like he was going to continue actively drinking, I'd dump him in a split second. I will never, nor do I want to ever change myself so much that I would accept life with an active A. To each his/her own. Good luck, Diva

Kis,

I am in a similar situation. Reading your reply to "I love an alcoholic", sounds like me! I too married an active A. He is still active. I was the one who changed, I became an irritable, unreasonable, nasty shrew, I took it all out on my family, blamed him & his drinking for all my troubles.

I've been in the program about 4 years now. Not steadily in the beggining, I came to MIP, then to f2f, then slid in & out. It hasn't been until the last year or so that I really started to "work the program." That was when the changes took place in me. You are right, we come here to change ourselves, NOT the A.

My husband is still actively drinking, in fact he is @ this moment. He is in denial. Refuses to see that he has a problem. So, nothing there has changed, he is the same. However, our relationship has changed because of me, because of working the steps, daily reading, going to meetings, making Alanon calls when need be.

So, I am in agreement with you, yes, you can love an alcoholic. I do.

Deb

Hi: If you are a place where your priorities are on straight that is a remarkable achievement.  I think I need many people in my life not just a relationship who support me, honor me and validate me in a loving way.    In recent years I have let go of a lot of relationships and been prepared to let go of a lot of dysfunctional patterns and that left me highly dependent on one relationship for a long time. That was also overlaid by physical illness which meant I could not be as active in going out as I once did.  Before I ever met my boyfriend I had a pattern of looking for support, care and validation from those who could not give it and not being willing to acknowledge that - this pattern of course went back to my childhood where support, validatoin and care were minimal at best and I had to scavenge to survive on an emotional level. Changing that pattern is a long held job because of course dysfunctional people are the norm for me and letting go of any relationship be it friendship, job whatever has been difficult for me because I would rather have something than nothing.  I tend to get overly involved in even friendships very very quickly and putting on the brakes is not something I am good at.  I have to practice that. There are some people today who do not get to be in my life and that was not the case before.

I think I also engage in fantasy of having it all very quickly because I am so hungry for love validation, belonging (I never felt I belonged in my family even though I clearly had a very well defined role as a scapegoat). I have a relationship of sorts with my boyfriend, pets, a home, things I have never had before and I value those and changing those would be a long term task that I would not want to take lightly or to change quickly without a lot of careful planning (unlike the way I came into the relationship which was largely on impulse).  At the same time the sense of belonging and feeling cherished and wanted is not there for me and I feel I need that and will continue to need that as I move on to other challenges in my life.  I'm not sure how to go about getting them but I think going at it at warp speed wasn't one of them.

I don't think there is a formula necessarily of how to have a boyfriend as I have dated men who are outwardly functional but who obviously had issues that I did not want to deal with after a while of seeing them. I also dated men in sobriety and did not find it there either.  So I don't know it was a cookie cutter, sober, not sober, certain income level things it was a matter of fit. And in reality at the time I met him my boyfriend fit well, he hid his addictions well he had a lot of stuff going for him and recently a lot of that has changed.  I of course was in a lot of hurry to be in a relationship so I was not about to take my time and get to know him before I declared myself commited which I have to take responsibility for. 

I think I have to re-think totally what I want in a relationship what my limits are, what my values are and most of all have a good relationship with myself. I also have to really be prepared to look at and be honest about my fantasies because my fantasies of instant intimacy, instant connection, happy ever after often get confused with my reality which isn't that and I am prepared to settle, ignore, not set limits, not take care of myself in order to pursue a fantasy rather than be in reality.  And of course the only person I have to be honest with about that is myself first and foremost.  I don't think I can be honest with anyone else until I have become capable of being that with myself. And clearly I have lied, looked the other way, glossed over, refused to see, lied for, made excuses for and more about my boyfriend for years on end.

Maresie.

Thanks everyone

Its good to read that we can live with our Alcoholic husbands

Thanks for all of your words.

It's hard because I think, "I don't know how to be in a realtionship with someone who is NOT an alcoholic." And then I think, "There are worse things than being an alcoholic." I mean, at least my guy doen't lie and he doesn't cheat. Is he completely emotionally available??? No. Does he give me enough attention? No. But I'd rather have that than having a lying cheat, or someone who is so emotionally dependent that they won't stop calling every ten minutes, or somethine who whines or even worse, someone who doesn't relaly "get" me. I adore my guy, he's sweet and charming and funny and intelligent and a joy to be around, he's concerned about me and he adores me. I don't want to ignore those things just because he has a disease.

"But I'd rather have that (an alcoholic) than having a lying cheat, or someone who is so emotionally dependent ..." I smiled when I read your post, especially the part I have quoted above. Have you considered finding someone who is not an alcoholic, doesn't cheat, is not emotionally dependent, who will treat you with proper respect and dignity, fairness and concern? They are out there. It doesn't have to be an either/or situation. I am left believeing you are trying to convince yourself that this alcoholic is the best choice you have. I am not saying you should not stay with him. That is not for me to decide. Just remember, it does not have to be one or the other. Best of good wishes, Diva

Honestly. I don't beleive they exist for me. Isn't that horrible. But it's true. I've known a couple of girlfriends and a cousin who found men like that. However, I can count them on one hand. I truely feel I have to pick and choose the flaws I'll put up with the the flaws I won't.