It's been a long but fairly nice weekend, I have learned I am stronger than I thought and even if I fall backwards into bad habits I can see the light faster than I ever thought possible if I take the time to look at myself and be kind to myself.
A few days before New Years Eve my A asked me if he could make me dinner and take me to the fireworks they put on for families locally. I accepted. We spent the day being lazy and then as planned had dinner and went to watch the families doing the stuff our town provides at a festival type thing. We were extremely early for the fireworks, and parked a few blocks from a bar where a few of his friends were performing (I did not know that part), it was cold I asked what he would like to do .. go home, walk around until the fireworks started. He wanted to go to the bar, I was edgy but honestly I wanted to go. I miss live music, and seeing people enjoying themselves even if drinking is not my choice for letting loose and having fun. Anyway rather than let myself get anxious or try to save him from being in that position I just said sure. We went, he asked my permission to have a drink, I laughed and said it was not my position to make that decision for him. He asked if I would be mad, I said I could not answer that question. Even finding little enjoyment in drinking I was tempted to have one because of the evening the scene etc. He chose water, I was grateful but didn't comment. The music was good, we had a nice time. I felt old ~laugh~ it's been a long while since I have spent any time in a bar. After a bit he told me he was feeling manic, it was getting hard to be there. I let him know it would not be a big deal to me to leave at any time. In the end we stayed to hear the countdown and see New Years arrive then left for home. It was a nice time, perhaps not the smartest decision ... I have already thought of all the feelings of deprivation it could cause in him and all the crud that could come from it. Then I tormented myself with the if we hadn't gone at all the deprivations feelings could have been even worse .... BUT IN THE END I have decided I had a good time ... and what is meant to be or come will no matter what I do or how I try to sidestep it.
Now today I am going to clean my house and spend some time with my dog ... who by the way is still doing ok, he has lost some more weight and I have decided not to put him through any more treatments. When he is not feeling good anymore then I will help him find peace. But until then we are enjoying life and he is being SPOILED rotten.
Thank you all for being here, I pray the New Year bringa us all everything we need to live happily!
It's been a long but fairly nice weekend, I have learned I am stronger than I thought and even if I fall backwards into bad habits I can see the light faster than I ever thought possible if I take the time to look at myself and be kind to myself.
A few days before New Years Eve my A asked me if he could make me dinner and take me to the fireworks they put on for families locally. I accepted. We spent the day being lazy and then as planned had dinner and went to watch the families doing the stuff our town provides at a festival type thing. We were extremely early for the fireworks, and parked a few blocks from a bar where a few of his friends were performing (I did not know that part), it was cold I asked what he would like to do .. go home, walk around until the fireworks started. He wanted to go to the bar, I was edgy but honestly I wanted to go. I miss live music, and seeing people enjoying themselves even if drinking is not my choice for letting loose and having fun. Anyway rather than let myself get anxious or try to save him from being in that position I just said sure. We went, he asked my permission to have a drink, I laughed and said it was not my position to make that decision for him. He asked if I would be mad, I said I could not answer that question. Even finding little enjoyment in drinking I was tempted to have one because of the evening the scene etc. He chose water, I was grateful but didn't comment. The music was good, we had a nice time. I felt old ~laugh~ it's been a long while since I have spent any time in a bar. After a bit he told me he was feeling manic, it was getting hard to be there. I let him know it would not be a big deal to me to leave at any time. In the end we stayed to hear the countdown and see New Years arrive then left for home. It was a nice time, perhaps not the smartest decision ... I have already thought of all the feelings of deprivation it could cause in him and all the crud that could come from it. Then I tormented myself with the if we hadn't gone at all the deprivations feelings could have been even worse .... BUT IN THE END I have decided I had a good time ... and what is meant to be or come will no matter what I do or how I try to sidestep it.
Now today I am going to clean my house and spend some time with my dog ... who by the way is still doing ok, he has lost some more weight and I have decided not to put him through any more treatments. When he is not feeling good anymore then I will help him find peace. But until then we are enjoying life and he is being SPOILED rotten.
Thank you all for being here, I pray the New Year bringa us all everything we need to live happily!
Jennifer