At midnight on New Years Eve, the twins were in bed & my 'a' & I were watching the countdown, he smoking pot of course & on pills.  When midnight came, we said Happy New Year to each other & went to bed in seperate rooms.  I can't help but wonder with or without rehab (something he is promising to do?) that things won't just stay the same for yet another miserable year & how pathetic our relationship has become - we no longer have a relationship, just co-existing:...

I feel like I don't have the energy to keep up with his bullshit any longer & certainly not for an entire year!  Promises, promises, promises - how do you guys deal with it all?  I don't think I can live miserably and depressed for the rest of my life to keep the marriage together for the 'sake of my kids'.  And the outlook for the new year is just as depressing & unpromising as the last few years.....

((((((((Lola))))))))))))) <<<<< welcoming hugs.

You took the first step by coming here and posting.  Welcome.  Great job.  Have you/do you plan to attend any face to face meetings?  They will change your life positively   It is suggested that you attend six different meetings to see which ones you may or may not like (as we are all different, ya think?) lol.  Coming here to post is great too, we also have online meetings here twice a day -- awesome.  It is suggested when you first acknowledge that someone in your life has an addiction that you attend alanon, listen, learn and share and that you wait "approximately" six months before making any major decisions in your life.  That is because there's so much information that we are learning and discovering about our lives.

So welcome, please continue to join us here and in chat.

Keep coming,

Maria123

I can get totally toxic with resentment around my A's pot use and other crazy making behavior.  I have to focus on what makes me happy and what I need to do today to take care of me. I am sorry you had a depressing new years eve. Its just one day in the year and it doesn't signify that the rest of the year will be bad for you.  I am glad that you are here and willing to look at your own issues and start focusing on you.  The relationship is separate from you and him, your relationship with you was separate before you met him. I think I lost touch with the relationship with myself with all the dramarama, chaos and more my A brings to my life. Of course I have my own chaos and issues which he is not part of but he creates so much havoc I can get sucked into that rather than focusing on me.  Today I focus on the small steps to take care of me, me not him, and build on those til they become big steps. If I do not detach and focus on me I get so sucked out with resentment and depression I do not take those small steps and today I do believe I do not need to beat myself up because I chose at one time to love an A.  I can understand why I love him and care for him I just have to have limits around that.  I no longer give him more than I give to myself.  I no longer allow myself to be burned to a crisp with overload.  I no longer believe that what happens on new years eve is an omen for the rest of the year either.  Every day is a new beginning and if I can find some self love in there rather than self hate I can change the way I am and that's the most important thing for me right now. Far far far more important than even thinking about changing, controlling or trying to cure him.

Maresie.

Thank you all for your support.  I do plan on going to a face to face meeting - they have one locally here on saturday evenings.  I went to it once & felt like a looser & resented my 'a' even more for putting me in that position.  I've been to AA & Alanon meetings years ago, my stepfater & first husband were alcoholics - I even put myself through counseling years ago because I knew something wasn't right with me - had to drag out those ghosts & demons and deal with them - it really helped alot back then.  My 'a' and I have just spent a year in marriage counseling and no changes.  I really hope rehab helps, although he's already put that off by another month.  I try to remain positive, but sometimes it is very hard to do.  I'll keep chatting with you guys