I just had a thought ~ after this "cyber fight" I have been in with my mother this week - she had the nerve to tell me, when I just had majorly distrubing news - that she "hasn't been happy with my behaviour for quite some time" ~ well I hit the roof!!!
For this passed month I have been her buffer with the "A" ~ since she found out about his cheatting she has gone back to the man she was with b4 she married the "A", 27 years ago. She has now said, this is the 'love of her life.' I have been supportive. In fact 2 weekends, my weekend was essentially "ruined" because they needed me to be there as a go-between. Talk about no boundaries!! I fell for it because (a) I thought I would have more time w/ my guy; (b) I was paid to stay over there, even though, it was distruptive to my serentiy, I have NO money, so I felt like I made that choice.
For her to say, I haven't been there, when all I have doen, is to be there? Well, I turned my phone off for 2 days & I finally called yesterday to wish her HNY - I have forever 'taken care of her' - acted like an adult, talked to her, gone to her first, even as a little kid! (yeah, acoa baby)
So it just occurred to me ~ and my therapist (i've only seen her about 6 times now) said on the very first visit, 'not to throw my pearls on swine' ~ just that perhaps my mother couldn't handle all of my truths.
So when the phone just rang & it was her b/f, not her (she has her own ring - as all of my friends get special rings so I know who's calling me) & he sd "HNY & would u come to dinner with us @ 6?" I accepted & sd, it would be nice.
After 37 years of reaching out to her & spilling my guts, being hurt anyway but going back for more.... She herself has professed to not even being compassionate to her own feelings!
So the insanity stops... how can I expect her to be compassionate to me, when God made me empathetic & she encouraged me to express my feelings & be emotional.
I thought, I will have a 'pleasnt' dinner, act like she is the "A" & not bother saying anything "real" or emotional. Then I thought, what is the point? Why should I say anything, ever? Truly she doesn't want to know the inner *me* ~ God only knows I have reached out, complained & tired long enough.
Perhaps she doesn't deserve to know my truths. God help me not to waste my time expressing myself to those that really aren't interested or just can't take it ~ cuz it reminds them that they have deep feelings that maybe they are trying to avoid.
God help me to bear this in mind in the coming year, a true resolution, if you will. God give me the strength to not throw my pearls among swine. My truth is precious & sacred - it is a big part of me. This way she cannot 'invalidate' or neglect me anymore... I will not be giving her anything to feed from!
HNY everyone & God Bless us all, love, -K
-- Edited by kitty at 15:32, 2006-01-01
Robinks said
Jan 1, 2006
kitty i sure understand all of that, it sounds like my family. I don't deal with them anymore, I can't take the chaos.
maresie said
Jan 1, 2006
kitty: I struggle with enmeshment issues too. I have to set a lot of limits not just around family but my boyfriends family, neighbors, friends, work associates and more. I think it is very hard to unravel all this stuff and it is not done overnight. For some of us it is a lifetime's work to come to terms with our mothers. I think for me it may be a lifetime's work to come to terms with roles behaviors I learned as child. You do not need to do it all at this dinner. I am glad that you are going to a therapist. I am going to a new counselor and really looking at seeing another therapist in the new year one who I know would be very very challenging for me
I hope you will put down the stick you beat yourself with for a while. It is the new year time to try new behaviors but none of us learn to walk in one day.
Maresie.
bobump said
Jan 1, 2006
Kitty,
While I'm not enmeshed w/ my parents, I was at one time. And as I started recovery I was pissed at them for some of the stuff I went thru and some of the patterns I learned.
Something that I've heard shared alot lately at my f2f and will help me possibly forgive is that our parents did the best they could. My mom especially as you might remember was the victim of sexual abuse as a child. I grew up with Codie all over the place !
My A used to say something to me when I was getting pissed off all the time "I did the best I could." It pains me to say this, but I've revealed this a couple of times recently. My reply sometimes was, "You're best sucks." Ouch, that is much pain to inflict on someone else.
I had problems thinking someone who could ask 5x of me than they could do themselves were really doing their best. Maybe I should start believing that some are really trying their best. In some ways that is tough while being in recovery. We are now enlightened to the fact that there are different and better ways. And if we can do this work, so can others. But it is only HP and themselves that can take them to this enlightment as you know.
We can't make them see their illnesses, their acoa or anything else that contributed to how they treated us. We can control our boundries. It sounds like you are thinking of ways to have healthy boundries yet still have a relationship w/ your mom.
Easy does it, especially on yourself. Keep forgiving yourself and that forgiveness for you Mom will flow.
I just had a thought ~ after this "cyber fight" I have been in with my mother this week - she had the nerve to tell me, when I just had majorly distrubing news - that she "hasn't been happy with my behaviour for quite some time" ~ well I hit the roof!!!
For this passed month I have been her buffer with the "A" ~ since she found out about his cheatting she has gone back to the man she was with b4 she married the "A", 27 years ago. She has now said, this is the 'love of her life.' I have been supportive. In fact 2 weekends, my weekend was essentially "ruined" because they needed me to be there as a go-between. Talk about no boundaries!! I fell for it because (a) I thought I would have more time w/ my guy; (b) I was paid to stay over there, even though, it was distruptive to my serentiy, I have NO money, so I felt like I made that choice.
For her to say, I haven't been there, when all I have doen, is to be there? Well, I turned my phone off for 2 days & I finally called yesterday to wish her HNY - I have forever 'taken care of her' - acted like an adult, talked to her, gone to her first, even as a little kid! (yeah, acoa baby)
So it just occurred to me ~ and my therapist (i've only seen her about 6 times now) said on the very first visit, 'not to throw my pearls on swine' ~ just that perhaps my mother couldn't handle all of my truths.
So when the phone just rang & it was her b/f, not her (she has her own ring - as all of my friends get special rings so I know who's calling me) & he sd "HNY & would u come to dinner with us @ 6?" I accepted & sd, it would be nice.
After 37 years of reaching out to her & spilling my guts, being hurt anyway but going back for more.... She herself has professed to not even being compassionate to her own feelings!
So the insanity stops... how can I expect her to be compassionate to me, when God made me empathetic & she encouraged me to express my feelings & be emotional.
I thought, I will have a 'pleasnt' dinner, act like she is the "A" & not bother saying anything "real" or emotional. Then I thought, what is the point? Why should I say anything, ever? Truly she doesn't want to know the inner *me* ~ God only knows I have reached out, complained & tired long enough.
Perhaps she doesn't deserve to know my truths. God help me not to waste my time expressing myself to those that really aren't interested or just can't take it ~ cuz it reminds them that they have deep feelings that maybe they are trying to avoid.
God help me to bear this in mind in the coming year, a true resolution, if you will. God give me the strength to not throw my pearls among swine. My truth is precious & sacred - it is a big part of me. This way she cannot 'invalidate' or neglect me anymore... I will not be giving her anything to feed from!
HNY everyone & God Bless us all, love, -K
-- Edited by kitty at 15:32, 2006-01-01
kitty: I struggle with enmeshment issues too. I have to set a lot of limits not just around family but my boyfriends family, neighbors, friends, work associates and more. I think it is very hard to unravel all this stuff and it is not done overnight. For some of us it is a lifetime's work to come to terms with our mothers. I think for me it may be a lifetime's work to come to terms with roles behaviors I learned as child. You do not need to do it all at this dinner. I am glad that you are going to a therapist. I am going to a new counselor and really looking at seeing another therapist in the new year one who I know would be very very challenging for me
I hope you will put down the stick you beat yourself with for a while. It is the new year time to try new behaviors but none of us learn to walk in one day.
Maresie.
Kitty,
While I'm not enmeshed w/ my parents, I was at one time. And as I started recovery I was pissed at them for some of the stuff I went thru and some of the patterns I learned.
Something that I've heard shared alot lately at my f2f and will help me possibly forgive is that our parents did the best they could. My mom especially as you might remember was the victim of sexual abuse as a child. I grew up with Codie all over the place !
My A used to say something to me when I was getting pissed off all the time "I did the best I could." It pains me to say this, but I've revealed this a couple of times recently. My reply sometimes was, "You're best sucks." Ouch, that is much pain to inflict on someone else.
I had problems thinking someone who could ask 5x of me than they could do themselves were really doing their best. Maybe I should start believing that some are really trying their best. In some ways that is tough while being in recovery. We are now enlightened to the fact that there are different and better ways. And if we can do this work, so can others. But it is only HP and themselves that can take them to this enlightment as you know.
We can't make them see their illnesses, their acoa or anything else that contributed to how they treated us. We can control our boundries. It sounds like you are thinking of ways to have healthy boundries yet still have a relationship w/ your mom.
Easy does it, especially on yourself. Keep forgiving yourself and that forgiveness for you Mom will flow.
Bob