This entire year had been a long hard end to a 20 year cycle of depression, anxiety & suicidal ideations. I have done little with myself in 6 years, since I left my ex (addict, husband) ~ but the darkest of my emotional funk seems to have lifted. Maybe my trying to OD has had an effect on the Universe & this was a ripple effect of how & why we found out about my step-dad's cheatting.
I realize 26 years is a long time, for my folk's to just get divorced. He has hurt me so much over the years. I am working on total forgiveness of him. I do not want either one us to be held back, least of all on account of my, unforgiving.
I am working hard on myself and expect this year to be better... as the truth has set me free & I have gone thru one change after another since I found about my A (step-father) in July. It is incredible how even other ppl's secrets hurt us. I cannot help that God has made me so sensitive & empathetic, I have had to deal with it.
I suspect to spend this day in deep contemplation, of what I want. My most recent love affair was short lived. I have gone from 6 yrs to 6 months to 6 weeks, at least I am learning & getting faster. I spent the better part of last year alone, to work on myself.
I see my awareness & relationship with God growing, the more I am aware of the more I see. Even down to this man that came to me, it was a good learning experience & I have forgiven him. Now I will pray for no liars, instead of no "A's". God does have a sense of humor & is very literal, so watch what you pray for. At least I am getting in on some of the jokes more often.
I just want to get this life right, since I'm unable to step off of this place ~ I ask God to use me, more than ever as a vessel for HP's Holy Will, for I am nothing without You. Each & every new moment I can change, learn, grow. Each moment is a new beginning. Divine Physician of our souls, I am willing to change.
Wishing everyone Blessings, in this New Year!
your sis in recovery & love, -K
-- Edited by kitty at 13:58, 2005-12-31
bobump said
Dec 31, 2005
{{{Kitty}}}
The fact that this seems to be the END of your 20 year cycle must be positive. Your OD and coming to Alanon may very well be the bottoms you needed to start you on this particular recovery leg of your journey.
You and all of us hear see the growth in you, ourselves and so many of our brothers and sisters here in recovery. It must be a gift from our HP because there it's such a beautiful thing. While we are all responsible for our own changes, I don't think I'd grow without the ES&H for those like yourself who share those and your love unconditionally with us here.
Here is to a new year. A mere checkpoint in time, that allows us a reminder to inventory not only ourselves, but what paths we've taken and what paths may be ahead of us.
I pray that Divinity shows that Path to Recovery for all of us, and that Divine stength is passed along to us, to remain on or at least near that path. I pray that we can gain the patience to take this Path in HP's time, and not be so concerned when I think I should arrive at certain waypoints. I hope that those directly in my live, will find their own healthy path's, but I will not expect them to follow those same trails.
Funny, my ramble just made me remember when we first moved here and my A got lost in the trials in the woods. LOL What an interesting metaphore.
This entire year had been a long hard end to a 20 year cycle of depression, anxiety & suicidal ideations. I have done little with myself in 6 years, since I left my ex (addict, husband) ~ but the darkest of my emotional funk seems to have lifted. Maybe my trying to OD has had an effect on the Universe & this was a ripple effect of how & why we found out about my step-dad's cheatting.
I realize 26 years is a long time, for my folk's to just get divorced. He has hurt me so much over the years. I am working on total forgiveness of him. I do not want either one us to be held back, least of all on account of my, unforgiving.
I am working hard on myself and expect this year to be better... as the truth has set me free & I have gone thru one change after another since I found about my A (step-father) in July. It is incredible how even other ppl's secrets hurt us. I cannot help that God has made me so sensitive & empathetic, I have had to deal with it.
I suspect to spend this day in deep contemplation, of what I want. My most recent love affair was short lived. I have gone from 6 yrs to 6 months to 6 weeks, at least I am learning & getting faster. I spent the better part of last year alone, to work on myself.
I see my awareness & relationship with God growing, the more I am aware of the more I see. Even down to this man that came to me, it was a good learning experience & I have forgiven him. Now I will pray for no liars, instead of no "A's". God does have a sense of humor & is very literal, so watch what you pray for. At least I am getting in on some of the jokes more often.
I just want to get this life right, since I'm unable to step off of this place ~ I ask God to use me, more than ever as a vessel for HP's Holy Will, for I am nothing without You. Each & every new moment I can change, learn, grow. Each moment is a new beginning. Divine Physician of our souls, I am willing to change.
Wishing everyone Blessings, in this New Year!
your sis in recovery & love, -K
-- Edited by kitty at 13:58, 2005-12-31
{{{Kitty}}}
The fact that this seems to be the END of your 20 year cycle must be positive. Your OD and coming to Alanon may very well be the bottoms you needed to start you on this particular recovery leg of your journey.
You and all of us hear see the growth in you, ourselves and so many of our brothers and sisters here in recovery. It must be a gift from our HP because there it's such a beautiful thing. While we are all responsible for our own changes, I don't think I'd grow without the ES&H for those like yourself who share those and your love unconditionally with us here.
Here is to a new year. A mere checkpoint in time, that allows us a reminder to inventory not only ourselves, but what paths we've taken and what paths may be ahead of us.
I pray that Divinity shows that Path to Recovery for all of us, and that Divine stength is passed along to us, to remain on or at least near that path. I pray that we can gain the patience to take this Path in HP's time, and not be so concerned when I think I should arrive at certain waypoints. I hope that those directly in my live, will find their own healthy path's, but I will not expect them to follow those same trails.
Funny, my ramble just made me remember when we first moved here and my A got lost in the trials in the woods. LOL What an interesting metaphore.
Bob