You will wish I went away again.... I wanted to add something. IF I
get the chance, I will be there for the A when he gets where he needs
nursing care. IF it goes that way. I will help him with his dieing.
If I get a call that he is gone I will take care of of it.
No matter what he did not choose this, never would have. I know
inside that love I have told you about for so many years, is still as
strong and powerful as ever. It is that love that got me where I am.
I have to carry our love in me, protect me from the disease. A would want me to.
Just had to say this. Just a few weeks ago he made me a cool cat room for my cats. It is on the back deck with windows and an antique door. He put power with plug ins and an above light.
But the trade off is not worth it.
love,debilyn
TLC2 said
Dec 30, 2005
Debilyn, there is so much love in you, how could anyone question this post, but please, dear friend, protect yourself, protect your loving heart. I know it's not all bad, there is love and probably always will be, no matter what. The little bit of sanity that comes through loves you and really does appreciate you, you know that. The illness has gone too far love, just be careful!! Love You!! TLC
PS I bet there isn't one person on this site that will ever wish you had gone away again!!! Please don't go ever again!! We love you!!
-- Edited by TLC2 at 21:47, 2005-12-30
maresie said
Dec 30, 2005
Dear Debilyn: I know the love you have for your animals is incredible and that you are a strong and worthwhile person. I think it is very very difficult to watch someone we love destroying themselves. My younger sister is an alcoholic. Her alcoholic thinking has progressed over the years. Now she lives in complete la la land about our parents. She makes up wonderful parents. What a bit of etahanol can do for the brain. I feel very very very sad when I see pictures of her that show she is yellow and haggard and shrunken. I also know that she had many many options of treatment and she can't take them. I know I have felt incredibly responsible for her my whole life. I have even felt scared that one of her sons has some fetal alcohol syndrome issue. But it is all out of my hands. I cannot turn my life over to fix her when I have my own issues to deal with.
I hope you can turn some of that fierce, tender, compassionate love towards yourself and your issues and your grief and your sadness and your entitled rage. I think it is very very normal to be furious when someone who is intelligent, creative and has many good attributes decides to destroy themselves. But how will destroying myself too make it right?
I mourn for you and rage for you but at the same time I admire your tenancity and your passion very very much. I know that that passion for love, animals, creativity and a home (how we never get a home with an A do we - its a war zone day and night). How we never ever get it.
Maresie.
nmike said
Dec 30, 2005
Debilyn,
Great to have you back! I do agree with the others that we have to protect our hearts from the disease. Some of that love should go to ourselves. But we love our alcoholics. That is freeing to me to say that I love my husband and really hate what he is doing.
In support,
Nancy
PS I am sitting by the fire with my new kitty cat. My 2 dogs are in. And I know that my pets love me.
Debilyn, there is so much love in you, how could anyone question this post, but please, dear friend, protect yourself, protect your loving heart. I know it's not all bad, there is love and probably always will be, no matter what. The little bit of sanity that comes through loves you and really does appreciate you, you know that. The illness has gone too far love, just be careful!! Love You!! TLC
PS I bet there isn't one person on this site that will ever wish you had gone away again!!! Please don't go ever again!! We love you!!
-- Edited by TLC2 at 21:47, 2005-12-30
Dear Debilyn: I know the love you have for your animals is incredible and that you are a strong and worthwhile person. I think it is very very difficult to watch someone we love destroying themselves. My younger sister is an alcoholic. Her alcoholic thinking has progressed over the years. Now she lives in complete la la land about our parents. She makes up wonderful parents. What a bit of etahanol can do for the brain. I feel very very very sad when I see pictures of her that show she is yellow and haggard and shrunken. I also know that she had many many options of treatment and she can't take them. I know I have felt incredibly responsible for her my whole life. I have even felt scared that one of her sons has some fetal alcohol syndrome issue. But it is all out of my hands. I cannot turn my life over to fix her when I have my own issues to deal with.
I hope you can turn some of that fierce, tender, compassionate love towards yourself and your issues and your grief and your sadness and your entitled rage. I think it is very very normal to be furious when someone who is intelligent, creative and has many good attributes decides to destroy themselves. But how will destroying myself too make it right?
I mourn for you and rage for you but at the same time I admire your tenancity and your passion very very much. I know that that passion for love, animals, creativity and a home (how we never get a home with an A do we - its a war zone day and night). How we never ever get it.
Maresie.
Debilyn,
Great to have you back! I do agree with the others that we have to protect our hearts from the disease. Some of that love should go to ourselves. But we love our alcoholics. That is freeing to me to say that I love my husband and really hate what he is doing.
In support,
Nancy
PS I am sitting by the fire with my new kitty cat. My 2 dogs are in. And I know that my pets love me.
-- Edited by nmike at 23:11, 2005-12-30