My A didn't come home from work again. Out doing heaven knows what. I am sure he is at some person's house... freaking out right about now.. cause I am going to go psycho when he gets home... and the day will be wasted in fighting. I think I am going to try something different today... I don't think I am going to say anything at all. I am going to try really really hard anyways. I am hurting right now... because I feel betrayed. When I am hurting I have a tendency to lash out at everyone... I think I am one of the most angry people I know. Its funny though... how he can be sick... and unstable.. and floundering in his inablity to control his life... but I am the crazy person. Its true and thats the sad part. The whole idea for me today is that no matter what comes... I am not going to lose it. It sounds so simple writing it down here... so easy... and I have been sitting here trying to figure out how I am going to handle things. But I know once he comes home... all bets are off. Three things I am not going to do today that I would have done before. I am not going to threaten to leave. I wouldn't be true anyways... I am not ready yet. I am going to cry if I feel like crying. I am going to use I words... and I am going going to express how I feel... not get trapped into our normal cycle. ( this is going to be the kicker... cause Lord knows I am MAD) Ok make it four... Today this is not going to affect my kids anymore than it has to. They know he didn't come home... they know thats not normal. They will see him when he gets here. But I am not going to fight with him near them. Wish me luck... I am still really new at this. Good news of the day... he gave his paycheck to his mother before he left. I am still a little ripped cause instead of her giving it to me so I can put it in the bank she is keeping it for him... but all in all I can't complain I guess. Hugs to you all... Jessyca

Nottaclu, I think you will be amazed at how differently things will go for you if you change. I am finding that out a little at a time. I too have made changes in how I react to my husband. During this last few months I made the conscious decision to say nothing each time I knew that he had been drinking or using. It did me no good to confront him. I knew, and somewhere deep down he knew that I knew and it really did not matter. I was not ready to do anything yet and knew that I would just be lied to anyway. So only once did I say anything and of course he denied it. So I told him, I will not mention it again, if you have picked up your disease WILL spiral out of control in its own time and you will not be able to deny it. It took about two months, the first six weeks or so he was not drinking, but getting high and of course he eventually drank. Eleven days later he was hospitalized. I never said a word to him about it until then. I had a choice to make, how I react and what I could tolerate. I decided that I could not change his deceit but that I did not have to subject myself to being lied to directly to my face and frankly, did not want to hear any more of the bizarre excuses, although sometimes they were good for a laugh in the past, LOL. So I just sat back and said nothing. I did not do nothing. I prayed for guidance for ME. And so when the day came that the truth could not be avoided, I was ok. I got a phone call from a friend who said, "we have a problem" I said, "i know" I guess everyone else was fooled. Anyway, my point is, I did things differently this time and got different results, for me. NOt for him, he drank anyway, you see, it doesn't matter what I do, if he is going to pick up, he is going to pick up, there is nothing I can do to stop it. I hope that you have strength today. Take it one moment at a time if you have to. Breathe, walk away if you need to. And, if you slip a little, step back, regroup and don't beat yourself up about it. I did that the other day. I had this out of body experience when I started to lose it, I recognized it and stopped. It was amazing. It only lasted about 30 seconds and I realized, what the hell am I doing, he isn't listening anyway and I will get nowhere. Nothing changes if nothing changes, I will be thinking of you today. Lynn

-- Edited by confused at 08:49, 2005-12-30

Welcome Jessyca, and I hope you stay...  your plan sounds like a wonderful start, as you are so right - he's using, and seemingly oblivious to all the pain that he is causing.... and we are left behind, to feel all those emotions, that we do NOT mask with alcohol or drugs....  The things you are attempting to do today are some of the cornerstones of our Al-Anon and 12-step based recovery programs.  If at all possible, I would encourage you to get to f2f Al-Anon meetings (some even offer daycare), as they will do you a world of good....  Other than that, keep coming back here, read what you can, and share your thoughts, questions, and comments....  One great book recommendation I would suggest, is "Getting THem Sober", volume one, by Toby Rice Drews.  It literally saved my sanity.

Hope that helps

Tom

Jessyca,

When I was reading your post I was having flashbacks from my past. My "A" will do that to at times, not come home. And then he would be afraid to come home and face me, so he would stay gone longer, making me madder, and it just grew and grew. When you said that you think you are the most angry person you know, that also reminded me of me. When I was living that life without program, I was angry all the time. Don't get me wrong I still get angry, but it does not consume me.

It is hard to not let this affect the kids. For me what I do to vent, is come here and pour my heart out, let the pain out, let the steam out, and then I can be mom to them. I may not be as positive, but I am a lot more sane. And that is what they deserve.

My "A" is still in active addiction. He is going to start out patient treatment on the 3rd (he is being forced to) I have some hopes, but I have no expectations, he doesn't want to be clean, he wants to use. All I can do is work on me, and that is what I am doing.

Keep Coming Back. Remember Progress, not perfection.

Much Love,

I told my boyfriend today that I am angry about all the bill collectors calling all day, all night and that I was going to disable the phone. I get most of my calls on my cell phone. It is really the only way out.  The calls are incessant.  That means that the phone is out of order. Thanks a lot for that. He says he is paying the bills and then he hardly works at all. Two days this week. One day he spent with his brother smoking pot. I am very very angry because I took money I earned to pay the rent (his share). He had six weeks of money to pay bills with but they are not paid. He swears up and down he is working when obviously he isn't because he is not paying his bills and undoubtedly his car will be repossessed. That's fine it can be I am not paying for it.  I am through paying and going without for him to go out and use in various ways.  He knows that and is angry about it. When I was out of town for a week he calls up and says I must pay his speeding ticket.  He pushes me into a place where I will rescue him.  He pays his speeding ticket to then go out and use and drink under the influence. Yeah I did not pay it.  I told him I was not going to.  He would take every single cent I had and use it and then blame me for it.  Then he would go out and use and  blame me for it too. Every Christmas all he wants to do is go smoke dope and be with his brother. I told him that last night I said so what are you going to do go smoke dope with your brother.   Why lie about it?  I have scrimped saved, sold things and gone overboard in order to pay my bills. I am not paying his anymore.  I have also gone without food this year because there was no money in the house.  I am not buying food when he is not working and not taking care of himself again. I'll eat out.

Maresie.

Maresie-   (((((Hugs))))) 

---------------------

I did it...  I stuck to my goals...  might have slipped a bit... but this is really a new approach for me.   I caught myself trying to slip in a guilt trip... but I did use my I words...  and I was totally able to keep my cool.  When he came in.. he came to our room and asked to talk to me.  I told him I didn't feel like talking right now and I was honest and told him that it would be a complete waste of my time.  He sat down and gave me the speal.. like he always does.  That he had an epiphany cause one of the guys who was there...  his wife showed up and they were fighting.. and she was saying all the same things I always do.  I said she shouldn't waste her breath.   He goes on and on about AA and NA.. and I listened and rolled my eyes in my mind... cause Lord knows I have heard this all a million times and he isn't going to go.   I didn't threaten to leave...  I didn't raise my voice.  I used my I words.. talked about my feelings and for the first time in probably the four years we have been married I broke our vicious cycle before it started.  I walked away from a really aweful night just hurt and dissapointed... but with out that emotionally drained physically exhausted state that usually follows.  We had our discussion..  and we went outside and worked on the car together.  It was really weird kind of... not fighting.  I was so afraid I would lose what little power I have in my life if I didn't freak out and take control of things.  I didn't lose anything!  I gained more...  he was honest.. he didn't lie to me about what he was doing.  He told me straight up he had been using cocaine and where he was at.   I hadn't even asked cause I knew as soon as I saw that sunken in neanderthal look in his face.  I am going to try really hard not to expect anything.  Just do my own thing... go to my classes... do things that I enjoy and spend more quality time with my kids while they are still on vacation.

I have been reading "Codependent No More"  by Melody Beatti.  My therapist let me borrow it in hopes that I would learn something about myself and OMG have I ever.  That book is almost scary.  When I started reading it I was still hanging onto the notion that I was the sane one.. and he was sick.  My therapist has been trying to dispell that notion for a while.. and I have seen this coming.. it wasn't a huge shock I guess to find out I am just as sick as he is and worse.. I don't even do drugs or drink.  I was the epitome of control.  I even quit smoking to set a example of righteousness.  I already knew I had anger problems... that was the whole reason I had gone to counseling in the first place...  My soul was in pieces... I had no peace of mind..  I was a shell of a person.  I was literally physically ill.  My health is wretched from my stress levels and not taking care of myself.  I was trying to control every single little aspect of my life.  Dec. of last year I got the severe blow that I am chronically ill... Jan.. I started seeing a therapist... and found out I was mentally ill... and then at Easter..  I found out I was spiritually ill on top of everything else. Its been a long long hard year...  but I think in many ways its been the best one I have had in a long time.  I am going to say good bye to 2005 and pray that 2006 is going to be kind to me.

Hugs... and Thank you.

Jessyca

Dear Jessyca, I have been following your posts, and think you are doing great. I hope 2006 will be kind to you, what you can do, is be kind to yourself. Sounds like you are beginning to see that you can only find recovery for yourself - but, when you do start getting better, everything else either gets better, or is less destructive to you. One thing I noticed in your first post - he gave his paycheck to his mom. Typical A behaviour. Mom is one of his enablers, he did not give it to you, because, he might want to get high/smashed, and knows, mom will give it back to him. Suspect mom is also sick - think if she was an alanon person, she would give it you, so, when he came back, she would tell him - give it to Jessyca, to pay the bills!!!! lolol - you see what we mean, alcoholism is a family disease? Not just the drinkers who act crazy, it affects us all. I think, from your posts, you are at a turning point. Keep coming back - alanon is not always easy, but, there are thousands of people who have gained recovery through working the program. It wont do you any harm!!!! Lots of love Flora xxxx

Flora...  I have tried very hard not to pick on my Mother in Law but she is very much an enabler.  I have thought many times that I don't wonder all 4 of her kids are drug addicts.  One of her sons who is in his early 40s lives at home still and always has.  He works off and on.. destroys his cars...  but every weekend they buy him beer. The rest of us they help out financially when we should all be able to take care of ourselves.  The saddest part is that I ran a thousand miles away from MY family so that I could learn to breath with out the constant crap...  and move next door to his family who make MY family look like the Partridge Family.

Anyway... before I go off on a tangent...  I though it was interesting that you would pick up something like that from just one sentence. 

I don't want to sound like I blame them... maybe I do.. but I am not trying to concentrate on that anymore.  I was messed up before I married my A.  I will be messed up still if I leave my A.  I just want to learn how to better take care of me.  I have found a bit of sanity this holiday season and I am so grateful for that.  This year has been a lot about taking care of myself...  finding some solace and inner peace... and learning I don't have to hate the world.  There are a lot of wonderful people out there...  I just happened to spend my first 32 years with all the unbalanced ones.

Thanks for your warm wishes... Hugs to you and Happy New Year also,

Jessyca