Been offline for a bit now, I missed our home here more than anything. I
needed you all so badly.
The disease finally beat me up enough for me to not want to give it any thought
anymore.
My A is just that, an A. A full blown walking waste of a man. His disease threw me on the floor and I did not even see it coming. Felt it tear my tendons and bruise my muscles.
There are NO alanon skills that can help when the brain damage is so bad, that you nore the A have no warning.
Then I got a call from his only "friend." Or his partner in Aism. The conversation
was a sick A talking crap and I was not impressed or torn. But then I asked the question. "What
makes you hate me so? You don't even know me." So he says some general
things. I said be specific.
I got an earful of all the horrible things the A tells everyone about me. All the '
lies, all the how he is so ruined by me, I am the cause of it all , I don't appreciate
all he has done, I have no friends, i won't make love to him, I use him, I took
all his money.on and on.
It was all the disease turning it all around. He was saying all the things he thinks
I think of him. or more, what he thinks of himself.
But even though I know this, it tore me to the ground. The disease got me
physically and emotionally and mentally. I had never heard what he actually
told others, things from years ago. His disease made others believe his bs.
I know it is not true. But how sad it feels to have given it all, to have it all to
have not been appreciated. Sadly I don't feel any bit of anything for him anymore
sober or not, makes no difference. He allowed his disease to take me apart
bit by bit. He had clarity enough to know what he has done.
I was held away from my home here, when I need it the most. But thank you
hp for all you guys gave me for the years previous.
When I think of him I sorta say yuckth. sorta gaggy. Feeling nauseated, a bit
anorexic, a very bit depressed. Every bit of hope is gone. Even if he got straight
it would not matter to me. Not one bit. He cannot though. He plain can't.
He finally lost his control and was chasing a dog he rescued and was choking it.
I pulled him off balance by grabbing the hood of his sweatshirt. Not to hurt him,to pull him off the dog. but I hit
the floor with intention and was kicked.
For the first time I hated him. hated him, I told him I thought he was different than his horrible family, I told him he was dead to me, hated him, dissappointed in him, called him a
sexless wonder, a loser, a wife beater, a spineless waste of dust, slime was
better and more interesting than him and on and on threw tears and snot
and spit. I was trying to get my feed and hay out of his truck to so he could get the hell off my property.
Hard to do with a shoulder arm wrist hand an back torn. He started to help, through my spit , and clenched teeth
as he lifted my feed, I said with venom, "put it back."
Told him for the last time to get his crap and get out of my life. He said he wanted
to "help" me but did not want to see the daggers in my eyes again.
He is fortunate he did not get daggers somewhere else.
Alcoholism, hell, satan, demons, lieing, stealing, laziness, sick all the time, never
fun, never laughs, allows this disease to hurt me this bad? NO thankyou.
I say,"why wait to leave?" It is not like they will not be an alcoholic becuz they
get clean. I feel like if you feel like leaving do it. Don't wait, don't stick around
and watch your loved one die. This is ME. my experience.
The call will come, he will be dieing again or dead. You bet I will mourn. I am now,
but that man died a long time ago for me. This is a demon walking around in a
rotting body.
yuck eh?
If you still have part of your A, I say, love them as much as you can, every
moment they are them is precious. Does not mean you have to live with them.
Just letting it out. My body is healing very slowly. My son comes out and helps so much. I have learned to mop with my feet on towels. I have trouble sleeping and horrible,
unrepeatable nightmares. He made it so I will be car less soon.
venting how life will pile it on, my dad is dieing, emphesema, would rather sleep than talk to me. no nothing new. everything was always more important than us kids. Gma is dieing too, and all she wants is to see me and have me close. She is 105 and 9 months.
So I do what I can each day. Give it all to hp. Am thankful to be here.
thank you for listening if anyone did.
ps the animals are doing well and as funny as ever. When I feel better I will send ya an update.
love,debilyn
bubbles1990 said
Dec 30, 2005
Hang in there sweet heart ((((((((((debilyn)))))))))
Love bubbles123
whitie said
Dec 30, 2005
(((((((((Debilyn)))))))))))))
I've really missed seeing you here. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. It sounds like hell and you don't deserve that. Please stay strong and keep us up to date. You're in my prayers......
Whitie
leo said
Dec 30, 2005
Hi Debilyn I have been wondering where you were and worried as you had not been posting. You can only go up from here chicken. The ism does not have to be in your life anymore. You are and always will be very important to each and every one of us here and loved by those beautiful animals of yours unconditionally. Please stay in touch so we know you are okay. Thinking of you and praying that HP will send you light at the end of the tunnel. Luv Leo xxx
kismetstrand said
Dec 30, 2005
((((((Debilyn))))))) loving you, loving you, loving you - you're such a special person, you've touched so many here with your heartfelt shares, made us smile and laugh with you with your stories of the animal antics, we love you so!!! Feel our love, feel our hugs, we're always with you. Am so very thankful you are here too. Hope you're taking good care of you. Luv you always sis.
Kis
danz123 said
Dec 30, 2005
(((((debilyn)))))
Glad you are back with us. I have not always posted but I have followed your posts. I am sorry that you have had such a rough time. I have admired your strength and hope. Youn never gave up. My prayers are with you hon. Hang in there and keep us updated.
hugs,
danz
megan said
Dec 30, 2005
Hi Debily
(((((((((((((((Debilyn))))))))))))))))))))
Welcome Home.
We have missed you.
I am so sorry for the hell that you are going through.
But it sounds like you are healing.
You have taught me so much about having compassion for my alcoholic and realizing that they are sick.
In my face to face meeting last night the reading was from the Courage to Change book, August 6, a reading on courage.
You have shown great courage Debilyn, stay strong, heal and recover and keep coming back
athena12 said
Dec 30, 2005
Dear debilyn, I am afraid for your physical safety. Your beautiful spirit which comes through in all your posts cannot survive if you don't. Please call a hotline and take care. athena
Jeannie said
Dec 30, 2005
(((((Debilyn)))))
I wish I could give you a real hug, but a cyber hug will have to do.
You have been in my thoughts often, I have worried about you not posting and hoping you where ok.
I am so sorry you are going through this hell.
Debilyn, your faith and ability to love unconditionally have gotten you through so much, I pray it will this time as well.
Let your body heal, then hug those furries and let them help you heal your soul. No ranting from any A can change the wondeful person you are. The beauty and serenity and faith you have shines in every word you write. You know the truth, you know what you are, the disease prevents them from knowing it. That doesn't make it not hurt; but keep hanging on to the truth and to yourself and God.
Let us help heal you. You have been missed and you are very much loved.
Love Jeannie
Christy said
Dec 30, 2005
((((debilyn))))))
I'm with kis, love you, love you...sending warmth and healing prayers for your soul, mind and spirit.
Please close your eyes and imagine everyone here giving you a huge group hug.
You've given sooo very much to us.
Love
Christy
Michele said
Dec 30, 2005
Debilyn --
So sorry for what you're going through. I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers!
Michele
marmare said
Dec 30, 2005
((((((((((((((debilynn))))))))))))))) I have missed you so much. I am glad you are back. I feel for all your pain. Hang in there, be gentle with yourself. You are in my heart and prayers!!!
Hugs Mary
TLC2 said
Dec 30, 2005
Dear, Dear, Dear Debilyn, I am soooo happy to hear from you!! I have been so worried!! I tried and tried to pm you, but couldn't get through. Losing you on this site almost made me question my faith in my HP!! I felt if anything had happened to such a wonderful person, where was my God?? I prayed for you so much, and am so glad to hear you are (semi) OK. I'm so sorry for all the emotional and physical pain you have been through. You so deserve sooooo much better!! My dear friend, maybe now you can release the past and go on for a much better life! You have such a beautiful personality, you are such an inspiration to so many of us, we love and need you so very much!! I am praying that you will find the peace and serenity that you so much deserve, you have renewed my faith! Love you, TLC
maresie said
Dec 30, 2005
Debilyn: I am so so sorry to hear of your problems. My A goes around blaming me for everything. He blames me for getting sick with whatever illness he has. He did cocaine of course long long before he met me and that is why he has hepatitis c. Of course it is me who caused it. I am tired of feeling more empathy for him than I do for myself. I am also tired of his games. He claims to love our cats and dogs so much. He does very very little to care for them. Yeah he puts on a great show but like everything else he relegates their walks, their care, their food to me. When I left the house for 4 days a while ago the dogs got out so many times it wasn't true. I was mortified by that. His friends who are as selfish and intolerant and totally self absorbed as he is moved in right away and all they think about is themselves. If and when I leave him I need a plan for my animals and all anyone tells me is to send them to the shelter. Yeah I'll send them to the shelter and have them accidentally put down. My dogs live for each other and my cats go into trauma when they are in cages. Yeah I'll do that to them and make myself homeless in order to escape him. He of course would love that. He could be in even mroe dramarama and claim that I was the one who was sick.
I can understand your rage. Of course some of my rage is at myself because I became aware pretty quickly when I met him that he had issues. This was before I moved my cats in they were staying at my friends house then. This was before I got involved with him. One look at his mother should have told me that. I was willing to be in denial to run another rescue mission to say I cannot look at this right now. I cannot take action. I can just get more overinvolved, wait more, hope more, pray more, look the other way more, hope more, pray more and it just went on and on and on. The more i rescued him the more he xxxx up the more I became depressed the more trapped I felt the more he would promise. The more crap he would bring into my life like the friend who asked to move in free for a year, then camped out in the driveway all summer and who needed to use the refridgerator, microwave, trash can, wake me up, bathroom, television, everything all at once. Yeah talk about entitlement. All of course tolerated and encouraged by my boyfriend after all I have no rights to somewhere I pay for or to my food, drink, coffee or whatever. When I was chased by a rottweiler and fled thinking my dogs were going to be toast I called him. He rushed home not to talk to me but to talk to his cronie who he'd give his eye teeth for in a minute. I realise he is dumping his disease all over me time and time again. He always has an excuse, the job (and work has been hell here), the money, his health, his issues, his needs, his wants (oh business I am supposed to give my last breath to support). Its all supposed to be him night and day and if it isn't oh I am to be destroyed and stomped on and ignored and abandoned and above all punished for having a need at all.
He'd love me to slide off into the sunset with nothing giving it all to him, conveniently disappearing. He spends half the time ignoring me and the other half demanding the impossible like dinner when he has not told me when he is coming home. Hey it is always the impossible under whatever circumstances. And it is always his black despair dumped on me day in day out with no acknowledgement by him.
He has some totally alcoholic buddie who he claims is his soul mate who he claims is someone he needs to be in contact with for work. When I pointed out to him recently well he is an alcoholic it was oh No he is not in contact with us because of you I have known people who were alcholic and they were still my friends. Good for you guy the rest of us in the universe are aware that alcoholics are notoriously unreliable. The same alcoholic moved a friend into his house against his wife's wishes and then wondered why his wife was pissed. He kept saying to me I know my friend is good for the money in time. He could not imagine why his wife was angry and felt that his wife had no right to be angry. I think they dont' think straight at all.
But then I dont think straight either because the first time he hailed it back from our so called trip away to Big Sur (which cost me a fortune) the first Christmas I could afford to be away! The first time he hailed it back from Big Sur to smoke dope with his brother all day and who cares what I wanted to do I would have looked at my bank account and said I dont' need this and left. But then I was blind and desperate and ready to move mountains to be a couple.
Maresie.
-- Edited by canadianguy on Friday 20th of March 2009 11:26:10 AM
Karilynn said
Dec 31, 2005
((((((((((((debilyn))))))))))),
So glad you're back with us. I've been worried about you. I know times are tough, but stay strong. You can get through this. You have taught me so much.
You're a loving, kind, compassionate human being who deserves no less than that in your life. Sending you lots of love. Thank goodness for our pets. They have gotten us through so much without asking for much in return. You go right ahead and let any one of your pets on the couch, sofa and any other place you want them to be.
Hang in there. Stay strong. Let us know if you need anything. We love you. My kitty and I are sending you lots of love and hugs.
Live strong,
Karilynn
jo4 said
Dec 31, 2005
hi deb...
i have been away from these boards for a time too. yesterday, i checked in and was disappointed to see you were not here. i even scrolled to see if you were on another page....then i wondered how you were doing....you're one of the people on my prayer list.
ironic that i should check in today for your update....
God works in mysterious ways i guess.
sorry to hear things got yucky again. that's the insanity part.
you taking care of you is the good part. i will pray for you and all your animals.
((((((Debilyn))))))) loving you, loving you, loving you - you're such a special person, you've touched so many here with your heartfelt shares, made us smile and laugh with you with your stories of the animal antics, we love you so!!! Feel our love, feel our hugs, we're always with you. Am so very thankful you are here too. Hope you're taking good care of you. Luv you always sis.
Kis
(((((debilyn)))))
Glad you are back with us. I have not always posted but I have followed your posts. I am sorry that you have had such a rough time. I have admired your strength and hope. Youn never gave up. My prayers are with you hon. Hang in there and keep us updated.
hugs,
danz
Hi Debily
(((((((((((((((Debilyn))))))))))))))))))))
Welcome Home.
We have missed you.
I am so sorry for the hell that you are going through.
But it sounds like you are healing.
You have taught me so much about having compassion for my alcoholic and realizing that they are sick.
In my face to face meeting last night the reading was from the Courage to Change book, August 6, a reading on courage.
You have shown great courage Debilyn, stay strong, heal and recover and keep coming back
(((((Debilyn)))))
I wish I could give you a real hug, but a cyber hug will have to do.
You have been in my thoughts often, I have worried about you not posting and hoping you where ok.
I am so sorry you are going through this hell.
Debilyn, your faith and ability to love unconditionally have gotten you through so much, I pray it will this time as well.
Let your body heal, then hug those furries and let them help you heal your soul. No ranting from any A can change the wondeful person you are. The beauty and serenity and faith you have shines in every word you write. You know the truth, you know what you are, the disease prevents them from knowing it. That doesn't make it not hurt; but keep hanging on to the truth and to yourself and God.
Let us help heal you. You have been missed and you are very much loved.
Love Jeannie
Debilyn --
So sorry for what you're going through. I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers!
Michele
((((((((((((((debilynn))))))))))))))) I have missed you so much. I am glad you are back. I feel for all your pain. Hang in there, be gentle with yourself. You are in my heart and prayers!!!
Hugs Mary
Debilyn: I am so so sorry to hear of your problems. My A goes around blaming me for everything. He blames me for getting sick with whatever illness he has. He did cocaine of course long long before he met me and that is why he has hepatitis c. Of course it is me who caused it. I am tired of feeling more empathy for him than I do for myself. I am also tired of his games. He claims to love our cats and dogs so much. He does very very little to care for them. Yeah he puts on a great show but like everything else he relegates their walks, their care, their food to me. When I left the house for 4 days a while ago the dogs got out so many times it wasn't true. I was mortified by that. His friends who are as selfish and intolerant and totally self absorbed as he is moved in right away and all they think about is themselves. If and when I leave him I need a plan for my animals and all anyone tells me is to send them to the shelter. Yeah I'll send them to the shelter and have them accidentally put down. My dogs live for each other and my cats go into trauma when they are in cages. Yeah I'll do that to them and make myself homeless in order to escape him. He of course would love that. He could be in even mroe dramarama and claim that I was the one who was sick.
I can understand your rage. Of course some of my rage is at myself because I became aware pretty quickly when I met him that he had issues. This was before I moved my cats in they were staying at my friends house then. This was before I got involved with him. One look at his mother should have told me that. I was willing to be in denial to run another rescue mission to say I cannot look at this right now. I cannot take action. I can just get more overinvolved, wait more, hope more, pray more, look the other way more, hope more, pray more and it just went on and on and on. The more i rescued him the more he xxxx up the more I became depressed the more trapped I felt the more he would promise. The more crap he would bring into my life like the friend who asked to move in free for a year, then camped out in the driveway all summer and who needed to use the refridgerator, microwave, trash can, wake me up, bathroom, television, everything all at once. Yeah talk about entitlement. All of course tolerated and encouraged by my boyfriend after all I have no rights to somewhere I pay for or to my food, drink, coffee or whatever. When I was chased by a rottweiler and fled thinking my dogs were going to be toast I called him. He rushed home not to talk to me but to talk to his cronie who he'd give his eye teeth for in a minute. I realise he is dumping his disease all over me time and time again. He always has an excuse, the job (and work has been hell here), the money, his health, his issues, his needs, his wants (oh business I am supposed to give my last breath to support). Its all supposed to be him night and day and if it isn't oh I am to be destroyed and stomped on and ignored and abandoned and above all punished for having a need at all.
He'd love me to slide off into the sunset with nothing giving it all to him, conveniently disappearing. He spends half the time ignoring me and the other half demanding the impossible like dinner when he has not told me when he is coming home. Hey it is always the impossible under whatever circumstances. And it is always his black despair dumped on me day in day out with no acknowledgement by him.
He has some totally alcoholic buddie who he claims is his soul mate who he claims is someone he needs to be in contact with for work. When I pointed out to him recently well he is an alcoholic it was oh No he is not in contact with us because of you I have known people who were alcholic and they were still my friends. Good for you guy the rest of us in the universe are aware that alcoholics are notoriously unreliable. The same alcoholic moved a friend into his house against his wife's wishes and then wondered why his wife was pissed. He kept saying to me I know my friend is good for the money in time. He could not imagine why his wife was angry and felt that his wife had no right to be angry. I think they dont' think straight at all.
But then I dont think straight either because the first time he hailed it back from our so called trip away to Big Sur (which cost me a fortune) the first Christmas I could afford to be away! The first time he hailed it back from Big Sur to smoke dope with his brother all day and who cares what I wanted to do I would have looked at my bank account and said I dont' need this and left. But then I was blind and desperate and ready to move mountains to be a couple.
Maresie.
-- Edited by canadianguy on Friday 20th of March 2009 11:26:10 AM
hi deb...
i have been away from these boards for a time too. yesterday, i checked in and was disappointed to see you were not here. i even scrolled to see if you were on another page....then i wondered how you were doing....you're one of the people on my prayer list.
ironic that i should check in today for your update....
God works in mysterious ways i guess.
sorry to hear things got yucky again. that's the insanity part.
you taking care of you is the good part. i will pray for you and all your animals.
hugs, jo