You know I have finally got it that what my boyfriend wants to do on the holidays involves being fed (preferably by someone else) smoking dope, watching movies and lolling around.  That's it. It does not include spending time with me, doing chores, planning for new years, reading, sight seeing, walking our dogs none of those things.  There is no common ground there.  He wants to be with his brother, merged, smoking dope, joking, laughing and watching marathon movies. 

I have taken it so incredibly personal that he never asks me what i want to do. He has not asked about New Years Eve for example.  He never does.  One year he went out on my birthday with one of his friends. Clearly his stuff is to make him happy. He does not feel the need to make me happy, do little things for me, share holidays with me. That is not in his vocabularly. I have taken it that he personally did not love me enough.  I dont think that is it anymore I think he just never really thinks about anyone else.  He is in a couple when it suits him and when it doesn't its his stuff.  So he is in a couple stuff for the good stuff, the me cleaning the house, the me organizing, taking care of the dogs, but he is not in a couple when it comes to doing holiday stuff and birthdays, being supportive, sharing goals (we have no mutual goals they are all his goals which I am supposed to support blanket style with nothing less than complete undedicated loyalty).  The same goes for his family I am supposed to be completely boundaryless around his mother/brother outings. They have to go on for marathon sessions 8 hours minimum and if I say well I would  like to do something else it is treason and I am to be wiped off the face of the earth.  Oops I forgot we are not a couple on that one.

So I live in this universe where I am supposed to give my every breath, every penny, every ounce of energy to something that he calls all the shots on. Its all on his terms, none on mine.  He's in a couple only when it suits him.  And I took that personally and saw it as a reflection on me not on him.  I'm not in a couple at all.

Maresie.

 

Maresie,

When I first started dating my boyfriend, he said he pot use was recreational. Didn't ask what his definition of recreational was. I told him it was fine with me as I had never dated anyone who used it. Turned out to be usually twice a day. It made him not want to do much of anything.

As time went on, he became more self centered. I think he was that way all along, but was trying harder earlier on when we first met.

In the morning, he was always hung over, and waited for me to get up, take care of the dogs, do the dishes from dinner and make the coffee. Then he conveniently woke up when all was finished. 

At the end, he was choosing to get high with his friends instead of spend time with me. I wondered what was so wrong with me that he chose that over his girlfriend. I have never used pot so I don't know how it makes you feel.

Thanks to Al Anon I know that I am worthy of love and much more important that a drug.

mollyann

Dear Maresie, It can hurt, when we start to live in the reality, and, actually, stopping taking it personally is a big step forward - though it is hard. It sounds like you are making progress - it is no good us constantly saying you are a worthwhile person, unless you start believing it yourself. You are recovering - you are starting to see that you are worth more than this, entitled to live your life and have your own goals. I know it is hard, but, it will get easier, and the rewards are worth it! Lots of love, Flora xxxx

I think you are making great progress on your program. What I see in your post is that you are breaking your own denial. You are beginning to look at the actions, and not the words, which you have wanted to believe. It sounds as if his definition of couple does not fit yours. His is all right for him, but it sounds to me as if it is not all right with you. That's a lot of progress. Progress, not perfection. I can hear your pain, and also the light breaking through. Blessings, mebjk

Maresie,

Your situation sounds an awful lot of one that i just got out of. Was dating my guy for a couple of years. Things were fabulous at first...then slowly I started seeing the selfishness, the drinking, the pot smoking. It was hard to see at first b/c we weren't together all the time so he would call me to say good night and head out with his drinking/drugging buddies. I'd find out through word of mouth, he'd get mad and shut me out and I'd forgive him. Repeat cycle. All of the 'i do everything and he did nothing' came along with it... and just got worse as time progressed. Well, after a few too many months of that and a few too many tears from my eyes, I ended it with him. He'd call, say something sweet to suck me back in and then pull the same stuff all over again. It became a vicious cycle. I found myself in a situation I never thought I'd be in and certainly never wanted to be in...and never want to be in again. It wasn't easy, but I finally called it quits and have not spoken to him in about a month. Don't get me wrong, I've had my moments where I wanted to call him terribly bad, I am worried sick about him b/c I know that he has a problem, or problems. He did admit to me that he's depressed, but won't accept the alcoholism and drug addiction. Anyway, I have not spoken to him in a month, it's been very difficult, but I can honestly say that I feel 500% better. I am slowly rediscovering who I was before he started to bring me down. I'm rediscovering the friendly, fun, outgoing person that I was pre-him and am having a great time doing it...I already have my first date since him this weekend. I'll go into it very cautiously, but am so excited about it. Should you decide to move on from where you are, I can honestly tell you that with a little preserverance, a positive attitude and dedication to YOURSELF, the grass is greener on the other side...

Best of luck to you! Make this new year a happy one for YOU!

((((Maresie)))))

Sounds like you have come to realize that you are dealing with the disease and not a person, so to speak.  The affects of this disease does tend to drain us and so many times we have to remind ourselves that when we choose to be in a relationship with one in the throes of this disease that we have to work through our expectations.  I spent may years in what I describe as married, yet living single.  Yet I also realized that this is not the only disease that causes this condition in a relationship, many other diseases do as well.  My choice was to remain in that marriage until the disease took so much control of my alcoholic spouse that he needed to be with a woman that could share the desires of the disease with him.  At that point I asked him to move on if he choose not to receive help and recovery.  I don't regret the years spent... nor do I regret the years apart as I have been able to recover some of me that I lost during those years.  I did spend alot of years in that relationship taking him personally, Al-anon has taught me that I am powerless over the disease and not to take the "sick" person personally as they are being controlled by the disease in their way as well.  I have to take care of me... there will always be "unhealthy" people in my life... but I want to choose to love them but have the ability to set healthy boundaries and know when to detach.  We have an amazing program that helps us to learn those things... Keep coming back...

Cilla

Tonight I got called "rude" because I asked if he was going to get something in this century or the next. His favorite retort when I ask him to do something is to be vague.  If I counter that then I am rude and so demanding.  Oh its not rude to go out and smoke dope all day and lie about it though!!  No that's cute.

I feel incredibly hurt that really all he wants to do on the holidays is smoke dope make it like i made him (because of course it is such a burden living with me and having me pay the rent for him oh whoa what a burden it was to take the money!!!!).  Of course he smoked dope since he was a teenager and now is an adult but oh he needs an excuse for it. And oh poor him he has to be responsible for his debts poor baby. Oh poor thing the creditors are calling all day long none of us should be annoyed by that and wonder whether he is going to pay the bills and not have his car repossessed.  No we should feel sorry for him and hold his hand and say oh poor poor poor poor poor poor thing!

If I say Um you know these creditors calling non stop all day is very very very very annoying he'll say Oh I didn't know that.  Like um I don't exist. But then I forgot I don't expect as the reason he has to smoke dope every single holiday.  The first holiday we met he had to smoke it god knows what excuse he had for then. Oh it was habit then. Never mind I paid for a hotel, oh no he had to go home and smoke dope because his needs always always always always always come first.

So no doubt New Years he will be off smoking dope again and doing nothing and feeling sorry for himself and he can go. I am not even considering asking him for anyting after all that is ALL he wants to do.

Maresie.

Hi Maresie now that you have vented get the focus on the most important person in your life YOU.  Start to do things that make you happy without relying on the person who is continually letting you down.  The only expectations you have then are on yourself I choose to have a great day walking the dogs and my boyfriend is mot responsible for my happiness.  If the creditors are ringing up regarding finances that are your boyfriends responsibility let him take care of them if he doesn't he has to suffer the consequences.  There is no need for him to do anything if he knows that you are handling it.  Keep your chin up and remember you are a worthy person.  Luv Leo xx  

And I always wondered why they nicknamed pot, "dope"! :) I hope the holiday is spent pleasing you, you can make that happen. Whitie

Thank you for the reminder Bob. I am working on ways to make me happy. Right now I am recovering from a flu and trying not to over do it.  It is very difficult because I tend to over extrend myself and then end up exhausted.

Maresie.