I am hoping someone can help me figure this out, and perhaps help others in the process. I am new to this "codependent thinking" idea and am finding myself very confused over what is "good" to do and what is "codependent". Let me explain briefly. My Mother is  very old and pretty ill. Her mind is going, due to some breathing issues. I have been her primary caretaker for many years. As she becomes confused/forgetful, I have had to simply take care of things for her. I have had to correct things that she has messed up, because of her confused thinking. Lately my brothers have had alot of issues with her, me and other brothers. alot of it is due to her confused thiniking and people's reactions to it. When is it ok to "fix" things and when is it interfering? My brothers are fighting with Mom, and each other, and sometimes with me. I'm told I cannot straighten it out, that those are their problems, but my Mom "vents" to me, about how upset she is that people can't get along. An example: Mom got a xmas gift, in the wrong size. She needs it exchanged, but doesn't want to ask my brother's girlfriend, to exchange it, until after the first of the year, because my brother is going to propose to the girlfriend on New Years Eve and my Mom is afriad she will let the secret out. But, she wants me to take her to exchange it after the first of the year. So, i emailed my brother anyway, in case they don't keep the receipt, explaining the situation. How is this not codependent and/or "fixing things" And yet, if I try to explain to Mom, or anyone else, why one brother is angry with another, and therefore won't visit Mom while that brother is there, that is codependent and interfering? If I say nothing, Mom will tell one brother how upset she is, and then that brother will cut all communication with Mom. I know it's a soap opera, but I don't understand when to back out and let the chips fall where they may, and when to "help". It would be easier to completely walk away from my Mom, but I"m the only one she can truly depend on, so I feel rather stuck. I know this sounds pretty petty, but it's just one small example and I'm hoping to use what I learn from this on the bigger issues that are swirling around me. Thank you  all for being there.

Right not from what I've gotten out of others ESH in Alanon and by just starting to read the book Codependent No More what I see as being Codependent is: when you are doing things for others that they really should and could be doing themselves, and/or you are doing things for others to the detriment of yourself, and/or when your mood is dependent on the mood of others.  That's just my take, professionals can't even agree. 

If you are really wondering and delving into your possible codependency, I recommend the book.  I'm only a few chapters in and enjoying it.  It was recommended by my Therapist when I was showing signs of coming to the realization of my possible codependent ways by working the Al-anon program. 

Bob

Please come to the meetings you will learn a lot. This is a great group.

I don't think what you are describing sounds petty at all...  it sounds very ACOA, co-dependent & just typical of dysfunctional families in general.

I have sacrificed myself for my family for 37 years.  Well 2 months ago I halted that through many realisations, struggles & God's grace.  It takes us a long time to become this screwed up, so don't be so hard on yourself & it will take work, invested time & willingness to change.

You have made the first step, reaching out.  Welcome to our Board, Robin is right the mtgs are great - twice a day in the chat room M-F 9 am & 9 pm EST - we have weekend mtgs too, just come into the chat room & someone will talk to you immediately, if u simply ask a question or say you are new. 

Hang in there, keep coming back, only you can save yourself....

Your Sister in Recovery, (one day at a time & sometimes moment to moment) ~ K

p.s.  There are many wonderful books that are very helpful, you can private message me if you like, this IS a great group of ppl & this site has been a God-send to me, helping me, supporting me & encouraging me while I change my life.

-- Edited by kitty at 12:58, 2005-12-29

-- Edited by kitty at 03:38, 2005-12-30

Thank you one and all for your support. I have the book "Codependant No More" and have read it, and have taken to "studying" it as well. I've just started attending the online meetings. I've had some trouble lately with "lag time" at the meetings, but hope to have that fixed by this weekend.

If I understand what you are descrbing at codependant behavior, then I may have acted correctly this morning. It was not easy to do so, but am hoping this was the correct response. One brother had agreed to take my mom to the hairdresser. ( I usually take her, but could not do so today) He called this morning claiming he was swamped at work and wanted me to call my other brother and ask him to drive 60 miles into town to take Mom. He's not speaking to that brother, so was not willing to make the call himself. I told him, I don't think that will work. About that time, his manager said she would make sure he got off work on time. I left it at that, and went about my day. When I got home, my Mom was on the phone, furious because, while he took her to the hairdresser, he refused to speak to her, and definetly let her know he was upset. She said I should have called and told her, so she could have cancelled the appt. That she didn't want to ask him for anything ever again. I told her I was sick of the fighting. She should first understand why he was having a problem, and then cut him some slack. A step-brother had passed away just before Christmas, and I"m sure that brother is still bothered by that. At any rate, I stayed calm, told her to quit judging everybody and said I would see her tomorrow.

I stayed calm, but I can feel the effects on my health of all this. But, I feel in the long run it will be worth it. At least I didn't jump in and play go-between. This fighting is soo stupid.. To be honest, it never was this bad, until about a year ago, when one brother got a new girlfriend, who has been stirring things. I wish I could make some of them see "the truth" but I have tried that several times and failed. So, I just live my life and try to remain calm

Thank you, one and all, for replying. I will continue to monitor the boards and go the meetings as often as I can. Jennesee 

Welcome to the program. I would like to suggest u set up some support system. Like for me a friends online and off, my mom, my sponsor. Go to face to face to meetings and the ones online.