Is anyone familiar with the book "Facing Love Addiction" by Pia Mellody?

I have been reading it, and there are parts that are true to my life. I definitely have been attracted to avoidance addicts.

I have been in Al Anon for over six months, and am definitely becoming healthier.  I am dating again after a six month break, and have met a couple of great guys. One guy is great so far, everything I want in a potential husband.

I read in the book that love addicts are addicted to the "spark" and the instant chemistry. That describes me well.  I don't feel a spark with this guy. He's attractive, and I am wondering what is wrong with me.  Am I still attracted to unhealthy people? And the healthy ones are not exciting to me?

I haven't known him long so I probably just need to give it time.

I just feel so lost when it comes to dating and having healthy dating relationships.

Anyone have some good esh to share? I could really use some.

mollyann

 

What is an avoidance addict?  Just curious.

This is something that frustrates the living begeesus outta me.  I too seem to have had immediate attractions to unhealthy people.  What I don't understand is I could have been immediatly attracted to these people, long before I saw any signs of the unhealthness.

I'd love to understand how it works that I can be attracted to such people without even seeing these things.  Is there a way our brains pick up on signals?  I find it as fascinating that it happens as frustrating.  I'm married now, so it's more trying to understand thingie.  I wouldn't have to worry about this again unless I finally got divorced. 

I have found that as I dive into alanon, that I'm very attracted to alanoners (not in a dating kind of way).  I really enjoy the company of and being around people who not only understand me but are trying to make a postivie change in their lives.

Bob

mollyann - i read that book, my dad was emotionally unavailable and that is the kind of men I sought out and had relationships with. I had to really work hard on me, I was 43 before I met a man who was commitment oriented. Keep coming back.

I read in a book that those immediate attractions are because the unhealthy person is familiar.  We are subconciously attracted to the familiar.  However dysfunctional are home life is....that is what we seem to be attracted to.

 

Julia 

 

I dunno I think Love avoidants can look pretty wonderful in the beginning so I tend not to believe that anyone is the "perfect" person for a while.  I think love avoidants seduce, intrigue and beguile one into commiting and then do the love addict/love avoidant dance. They break up make up and have it all their way. But then as a codependent love addict I also want an instant relationship (after all I am starved) also want all my needs met by one person and more.  I think dating can be good for screening out what you don't want. I know I deliberately ignore cues in dating.  I don't have my needs up front there (because I dare not feel my needs) so I settle and then resent it.  I also think that I am such a bad catch that I think I should take just anyone.  Another issue is of course I get involved way too quickly then I am hooked (abandonment issues) and find it nearly impossible to get out without a huge crisis.  I have never dated and said no thanks to anyone.  I have always found that very very dififcult.  I am also tremendously lonely and while I do do some stuff to change that it is a ongoing issue. So I go from one unsatisfactory unfulfilling relationship where I rarely make my needs known and if I do its in a way that is guaranteed to not get them met to another feeling resentful, lonely and desperate.

 

Maresie.

This is an intersting thread... I have not read this book but I just figure all co-dependent are truly "love addicts" as we would rather love a blade of grass then ourselves.  A few months ago, I realized I was ust like the "A" as long as I loved everyone around them more than me.  I was starved spiritually, even though I do have a tight relationship with God ~ HP just about screams at me, I can't shut it off.

But it has taken me all of this time & energy to again, lose myself (I'm 37) to understand what I have been doing all of my life.  I think my mom is as ACOA as I am & that is where I picked up the patterns from.  I lived for her.  It wasn't until just 2-3 months ago, it occurred to me, "What if I kept 1% of my own love for me...  instead of giving all of it away?"  and that is how my journey of loving myself has started.

It takes great effort for me as I am so new at this, & at this moment I guess I am "in a fight" with my beloved mother, cuz I have been going through changes & I guess the ripple effect isn't much appreciated.  I have been at her disposal nearly constantly for the last 6 months, even MORE than usual.  I am tired & sick of it.  My sit(uation) is complicated cuz I work for my "family".

One day at a time & all that.  I am praying for God's Will. 

I'm an only child, clinically we create attachments to others much more quickly than ppl w/ siblings.   Avoidance addicts, that is real interesting, for as in touch with my pain I am, I sure was avoiding, loving myself.  All of my life, I would have easily sacrificed myself for anyone that I loved, and fought hard & long to keep the relationship up.  Yet w/ the abanndonment issues I have w/in as a younger woman & teenager I had some awesome men come into my life & I stomped their heart's right out, sabotage & (d'uh) self-destructive tendencies.

I have run the gammet of these behaviours.  Today I am working on myself, understanding what it is that I want, I have focused on other's so long, I don't even know what it is that I want some days...   but I have always been kinda scary in love for I am fearless, so now I turn that laser beam onto myself & it is growing each new day, I am in new territory of what it means to know & love thyself.

Clinically, molecularly it is known that when we get within about 2 or 3 feet of a person some of our molecules or energy or wtvr, jump to that person & their's to ours, so we can get a "read" on them & it is instantaneous.  So chemically, there really IS something going on.    

I spent 6 years, not wanting anyone really & fell in love.  I am sort of a psycho about the truth & liars, turned out he did lie to me.  I decided to forgive him but it is easy, he is in another city now & I don't know if he will return.  I am not holding anymore anger for anyone, I told him I would always love him (but not at the expense of myself) & that I have completely forgiven him.  So far I feel like I am in a state of grace.  

I was able to forgive him in a flash, cuz as I sit with this info of this lie ~ HP said, "you asked for no addicts or alkies!"  well, I have no revised that prayer to "O, God send me no liars!"

your sis in recovery (cute icon btw!) -K 

MollyAnn,

Great topic! I have Pia Mellody's Love Addiction book on my bedside table and have read it several times. I've found it fits me very much to a "T". LOL.

Although I think it's certainly useful and crucial to examine the person your dating (are they a good person, do they treat me well, etc.), I'm finding it even more useful at this point to look at myself.

I've had a recent break-up, so with the help of a therapist, I'm carefully looking at all aspects of the relationship--how did it start, did it start too quickly, what were things that I overlooked that was important information about who the person was, etc.

What I'm finding for myself is that part of what makes me the perfect "love addict" is a combination of romantic notions and vagueness about myself, my relationship goals, my relationship values, etc.

 I have romantic notions (that I didn't even realize that I had!) such as: there's no cost too high for love, where there's a will there's a way, some day my prince will come, great chemistry=a great relationship. I'm finding that upon closer scrutiny these romantic notions simply don't hold up, especially in a very real world of regular relationships, let alone ones with addicts, but that these notions have really dicated the way that I've thought about relationships, and my willingness to do ANYTHING to hold on to a relationship.

Moreover, I haven't taken time to really think clearly about what exactly I do and don't want in and from a relationship and why, so I'm basically open to anyone or anybody and don't have a clear way to discern for myself whether this is a good relationship for me.

So, using my last couple relationships as evidence/information, I'm really beginning to look closely at how I operate, what I overlook, what relationship skills I have and what I don't, and what's important to me in a relationship, what things do I give up to be a relationship, etc. It's helpful and very grounding, and I'm hoping it will make me smarter about choosing, really choosing relationships.

BlueCloud

Hi MollyAnn,

I have read "Love Addiction" at least 10 times and am trying to apply the principles of Pia's book to my life. My recovering A husband of 32 years and I went to a couples workshop and were "diagnosed" as a love addict/love avoidant couple. The reasons stem from  child abuse and neglect for both of us. Some love addicts end up neglecting themselves, become suicidal and look to their partner to fullfill every need. Some love avoidants become overwhelmed by caring for that person and leave the relationship. My husband literally walked out the door in June.

I think in our case we were attracted to each other because of the void in our lives. We tried to finish the unfinished business of our childhood. My husband pursued me. Now, that I look back, he never really had long lasting relationships. He was an alcoholic and that fits with the love avoidant's having addictions. After he sobered up he became a workaholic and obsessed about computer games. All our geographical moves have  been because of him. He changes jobs frequently. He quits or never finishes projects. He has difficulty being intimate and has walls instead of boundaries.

For myself as I get to know myself better as a love addict, I obsess about my husband. Over the 30 years, I have thought that he was much smarter than me and much more competent than me. I continually try to get him to be something that he is not and cannot give me like intimacy. He is very limited emotionally. I think that the love addict/love avoidant dance is very insidous like alcoholism. We continually say come here come here, go away, go away.

What I would advise is to face your fears. I have no choice now with my husband gone. And learn to take care of your needs by becoming as competent as possi ble. Because we have been together so long, it has been a painful for me. I am determined to love myself and take care of myself. I still fall into the addictive behavior but I am more aware of it now. I love my husband but I will let my HP decide if we have a more healthy future together.

In support,

Nancy

I too am addicted to love, I just seek it in men who are unable to return it to me. Then I get my feelings hurt, but I keep trying. Nothing is too good for MY husband! I will give and sacrifice and overwork myself, just for a tiny bit of affection from him. My hub is now gone, is really anger due to my daughter calling the police Wed. nite cos he was in a rage over nothing. He was arrested due to a probation violation. Have not seen him since Wed. nite, tho he did call Friday to see if I was OK, since I have been sick with bronchitis since Wed. nite. But, nothing since Friday, he's staying with a couple he can party with. I keep thinking if it were he who was sick, I would be there no matter what.

No matter what doesn't exist in his world, except: no matter what I have to have beer and cigs.

Those 2 things, his addictions, are who he is actually married to, not me.  I'm just the mistress, and I hate it. Am tired being alone, want him to love me, like he used to earlier on before he got sicker. We had 6 terrific years where we really connected. Then the drinking got worse. Our sex life used to be great, the best I ever had, I could feel love in my heart when we made love. For about the past year, he doesn't really want to, and gets irritated when I try to be affectionate with him.

I just hope I can face what my future holds. My daughter, son in law, and mom are pressuring me to leave him. Seems like he's already left me, since he's not here! But I am as addicted to him as he is the booze and cigs. Very uncomfortable without my "fix" of a daily hug and kiss.