Hi everyone,

My A has been home from rehab for exactly one week.  He went in a week after he physically attacked me and wouldn't give me our 7 month old when I was getting the heck out of there, so I called the police.  Although I didn't ask to arrest him or press charges, he was a drunken jerk to the police and they decided to take him in on their own.  He was charged with misdemeanor domestic violence.  In the first few days after he was arrested, we weren't in contact with each other and I was nervous about what he might do.  I changed the locks on our house in case he showed up drunk and pissed and my dad stayed with me for a few days.

He came home from rehab against the advice of his counselors (while he was there he was telling me they wanted him to go to transitional living if he wasn't going to come home - since he's out I've learned they wanted him to go to transitional living period, not come home).  The last week has literally been a rollercoaster - good day, bad day, good day, bad day.  We are on a bad day at the moment.

He is very angry that I betrayed his trust by calling the police on him.  He is very angry that I won't tell him that I was wrong for calling the police.  He is very angry that I changed the locks, had my dad stay over, etc.  He tells me that he's going to spend the next six months cleaning up his legal affairs and financial affairs and then walk away and basically drink and party himself to death because he won't be a part-time dad (yeah, that's logical, so he'll be a no-time dad who abandoned his kids).  The blaming me is wearing, even though my al-anon tools have helped me so much.  But then he has moments where he is very loving and acknowledges that he has to work through his anger and resentments and let them go if we are going to survive as a family. 

I know that early sobriety can be just as hard as active drinking, but I have to keep wondering - should I really be separating the drinking from the person and keeping hope that this will pass or did I just end up marrying a complete a**hole and I'm finally now realizing it.  Part of me really wants us to be able to make our relationship work, part of me is so damn tired of the struggle that I want to throw in the towel (which seems so ironic now that he's finally quit drinking).  I just needed to vent and hear any words of wisdom you might have.  Thank you.

Maggie

I don't know if I can offer any words of wisdom, but he actually doesn't sound to me like he is even in "early recovery" as you have described it..... It sounds much more like he is in "recovery avoidance", and his behaviors are certainly those of a using A....

I would simply encourage you to dive into your recovery tools and support right now.... The "blame game" from him is especially hard, but you know intuitively that he is full of crap on all of it, but you will likely need a lot of support from others, in your ongoing recovery, to stay convinced of that reality... 

His comments about "drinking himself to death" is classic victim stuff, where he is still trying to blame everyone else for all his woes.  He is likely at a crossroads in his recovery, and unfortunately it is HIS crossroads, and you have very little influence, one way or the other.... 

He's either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?

Here's hoping you take care of, and concentrate, on you...

Take care

Tom

I like what Tom said ! I know in my experience, when I focus on my A and not on myself, my A uses it as another excuse to drink. I'm not causing it, and she might drink less or she might find another excuse to drink. The bottom line is it's her choice to drink, I have no control over it. But by focusing on myself, I'm less likely to be made the scapegoat. This in turn allows them to focus more on themselves. This might be especially important at the cross roads for recovery. So focus on you and your program. :) Bob

i can relate to a lot of what you have shared. My boyfriend does a lot of all or nothing thinking. He also lies a lot.  I spent a great deal of time deflecting his acting out and focused on trying to control his acting out. Now I don't. I spend a lot more time on me. Oh that doesn't mean I don't resent some of his actions I do. I just don't share it with him at full scream level anymore.  I certainly do not expect as much from him. Some of my issues were trying to expect him to be sane.  He is not sane if he is acting out all over the place and then projecting it on me.

I am supposed to be mother, father, savior, saint and more.  I resigned all those roles but it was a very difficult resignation process because of course there was some secondary gain to those roles.  One of the most addictive for me was the rescue mode. I need to rescue myself from my issues.  I have plenty to do with that. Of course I could make a "cause" of him and his dreams and his needs but that would be ignoring my own needs. It would also not be taking into account that he wants help. His help is very much labelled what he thinks rather than what I consider and he of course thinks I am sometimes the sole problem.  If he didn't have me his life would be hunky dory. I had a frank talk with him about blaming before and I don't tolerate it much anymore. But then I also don't ask him to change overnight anymore. I ask him to do a few things and that is very difficult because I would really rather MAKE him do them.

Maresie.

 

I remember going through divorce with my ex A, I didn't go to many meetings and I really didn't know how to work the program. I am glad I stayed, it has done me a world of good. Glad you are here.