So my mother tells me, not to be co-dependent anymore and I start going through changes... now she is acting very snippy & short with me. It is ridiculous, our family is so screwed up. She tells me she is not even compassionate to herself. On Christmas Eve I told her she hurt me a lot, she simply wasn't there for me.
We always talk about writing books, I told her I wouldn't want her to know how I feel about certain things that happened, that I wouldn't want to hurt her feelings. She says she wouldn't.
So Monday, she asks for the massage I gave her for xmas (I've been a RMT since I was 18, half of my life, heh) so I say fine between 4-5. This was around 11 or 12 in the morning. She calls back at 2 to say, come right over, her firend wants a h/c & so does the "A".
I was watching an old movie... I left when it was over, got there at 330. So I'm doing her friend's hair & I was saying something about my mother & out of no where snaps, "If I talked about you all the time the way you talk about me, you would be in tears constantly."
Then demanded that I stay over for New Year's Eve & that she shouldn't have to pay me this time for dog sitting as she is going out to find the land (for us to move to). wow! what thick guilt... so she can go off looking with her b/f apparently they are renting a plane to drive over the area she is interested in.
I sd, "it's a good thing, I don't really have any plans." Then she snaps, "I don't want you to touch me today!"
So today, I get the msg off the phone she won't need me, after all. She totally over-reacts. Since I'm not jumping when she coughs now, I am trying to focus on me. I have lived 37 years for her. I had no coping skills & no love for myself.
That is changing slowly, a little at a time. I guess she doesn't like it. Oh, well. I haven't like being emotionally abandonned & treated the way I have over years, pressured to death to be an Olympian, to make straight 100%'s.
She never could just say, hey kiddo, a 98% great! No, it was always, why is this not 100?
I tell you, the littlest bit of encouragement sends me far... I am already critical of myself enough. The A is the same way, no "thank you's" ~ just criticisms & expectations. So I continue to unplug.
I found out the guy I was seeing had a g/f he was cheatting on with me. So all of that blew up in my face yesterday. I cd her to tell her about it... she says "I know how you feel" as her A got caught cheatting & admitted to 15 years of it.
But then right after that, she attacks me & says, "I don't like the way you've been acting lately!" She wouldn't let me give the "A" my letter for xmas talking about forgiveness 'cause he had the flu ~ said it would be like "kicking him when he was down" but I suppose it is just fine for her to treat me that way!
So I'm not hanging out there everyday, being ignored or tending to her needs, house, dogs... taking in her negative energy about everything & comments? I am trying to get space. I need to be alone. She has no boundaries when it comes to me & no balance. She is ADHD, so she is so hyper. I love her but I have to love me, first.
I don't think demanding things of me is very fair. I guess I'm just tired.
bobump said
Dec 28, 2005
Sounds like the fact the mom is so invested in you, your moods and your own behaviors that she has some codie issues of her own, possibly.
With that in mind, she may react like an A to your changes. The changes are better for your relationship in the long run but they take each of you out of the unhealthy comfort zone.
Keep working on YOU. It's the best gift you can give, to yourself and to others. As you continue to love yourself, you will get better, things will get better. There is still exhaustive work to be done I"m sure. Well I'm just guessing that based upon the fact that I know I have soooooooooooo far to go. And I know that it will take alot of energy to dig deep and get there. I just have this hope and feeling that it is where my HP is taking me, that it is his will, and that by no longer resisting it, my life will lack the friction of that resistance.
Bob
kitty said
Dec 28, 2005
Yes, the ACOA issues run deep with us & our entire family tree. Everyone is abused & a scapegoat at the same time... talk about a screwy family tree!
Kim said
Dec 28, 2005
Kitty:
I just read your post. Wow. I dealt with my mom like that for 27 years. Then she died. That was seven years ago. My mother had codependent issues of her own. She was not cheated on, but was the mistress to a married man for 17 years. Once when I was 18, she sat me and him down and told me to tell him what I thought of him. I said very plainly " I like you, but I don't like the fact that you are married and with my mom" WELL!! She went off, on ME! I could go on and on about it...but my point is this....I learned in school a long time ago that the cycle of dysfunction (in families) is very strong. When one person breaks the cycle (by God forbid, starting to get healthy) the cycle works feverishly to maintain its momentum. Keep strong. Keep going because eventually you can break it. I tried many times to break free. Each time it was like the Godfather...."every time I think I'm out...they pull me back in".....then like I said...she died. I am still grappling with that. Keep your focus on you, Kitty. You're worth it.
Kim
just me said
Dec 28, 2005
I live with my mother and we do this ACOA dance all the time. She can afford to get her hair done at the top salons. But she won't pay the price. So I buy her a gift certificate and she complains that they did a lousy job for all that money. Then she goes to a cheapy place and complains that they burn her hair with cheap chemicals. I cannot physically do hair anymore. Besides I am out of practice. She expects me to look at her hair all the time and decide when it needs to be done and make time in my schedule and sit her down and just do it for her. Which I have tried and she complains about how I do it then! You cannot win when you are trying to apease your mother.
My family is a bunch of A's, acoa's and addicts and I am dealing with more of them than normal because of the holidays.
Hope it helps to know you are not alone
Julia
maresie said
Dec 28, 2005
i can relate to this push me pull me dance a lot. It reminds me of my boyfriend. Sometimes he does come through with a few crumbs. Most of the time I try to work on my own needs. I do not dislcose that much to him anymore about my process my plans, nothing. I just keep working on what my goals are, how to take care of me (he sure as hell doesn't) and keep working on finding other avenues of support.
I do work on trying to get support in groups, on the internet and in recovery partners. Do you have recovery partners you can share stuff like this letter with?
I think its tremendously difficult to deal with a parent who is needy. My boyfriend's mother is tremendously needy and greedy too in her need. I once tolerated it but I no longer do. My needs are as relevant as hers. But his mother does not fulfill any of my needs. It sounds like your mother does on some levels.
I think the learning of boundaries with a dysfunctional parent is like walking through a tremedous vat of confusion self doubt and guilt. Before my mother died I managed to set a lot of limits with her and free myself of a lot of guilt. I felt that was a lifetime's task in itself. Nevertheless my mother never taught me self care, self direction or self preservation and that is part of being boundaried too.
So my mother tells me, not to be co-dependent anymore and I start going through changes... now she is acting very snippy & short with me. It is ridiculous, our family is so screwed up. She tells me she is not even compassionate to herself. On Christmas Eve I told her she hurt me a lot, she simply wasn't there for me.
We always talk about writing books, I told her I wouldn't want her to know how I feel about certain things that happened, that I wouldn't want to hurt her feelings. She says she wouldn't.
So Monday, she asks for the massage I gave her for xmas (I've been a RMT since I was 18, half of my life, heh) so I say fine between 4-5. This was around 11 or 12 in the morning. She calls back at 2 to say, come right over, her firend wants a h/c & so does the "A".
I was watching an old movie... I left when it was over, got there at 330. So I'm doing her friend's hair & I was saying something about my mother & out of no where snaps, "If I talked about you all the time the way you talk about me, you would be in tears constantly."
Then demanded that I stay over for New Year's Eve & that she shouldn't have to pay me this time for dog sitting as she is going out to find the land (for us to move to). wow! what thick guilt... so she can go off looking with her b/f apparently they are renting a plane to drive over the area she is interested in.
I sd, "it's a good thing, I don't really have any plans." Then she snaps, "I don't want you to touch me today!"
So today, I get the msg off the phone she won't need me, after all. She totally over-reacts. Since I'm not jumping when she coughs now, I am trying to focus on me. I have lived 37 years for her. I had no coping skills & no love for myself.
That is changing slowly, a little at a time. I guess she doesn't like it. Oh, well. I haven't like being emotionally abandonned & treated the way I have over years, pressured to death to be an Olympian, to make straight 100%'s.
She never could just say, hey kiddo, a 98% great! No, it was always, why is this not 100?
I tell you, the littlest bit of encouragement sends me far... I am already critical of myself enough. The A is the same way, no "thank you's" ~ just criticisms & expectations. So I continue to unplug.
I found out the guy I was seeing had a g/f he was cheatting on with me. So all of that blew up in my face yesterday. I cd her to tell her about it... she says "I know how you feel" as her A got caught cheatting & admitted to 15 years of it.
But then right after that, she attacks me & says, "I don't like the way you've been acting lately!" She wouldn't let me give the "A" my letter for xmas talking about forgiveness 'cause he had the flu ~ said it would be like "kicking him when he was down" but I suppose it is just fine for her to treat me that way!
So I'm not hanging out there everyday, being ignored or tending to her needs, house, dogs... taking in her negative energy about everything & comments? I am trying to get space. I need to be alone. She has no boundaries when it comes to me & no balance. She is ADHD, so she is so hyper. I love her but I have to love me, first.
I don't think demanding things of me is very fair. I guess I'm just tired.
Kitty:
I just read your post. Wow. I dealt with my mom like that for 27 years. Then she died. That was seven years ago. My mother had codependent issues of her own. She was not cheated on, but was the mistress to a married man for 17 years. Once when I was 18, she sat me and him down and told me to tell him what I thought of him. I said very plainly " I like you, but I don't like the fact that you are married and with my mom" WELL!! She went off, on ME! I could go on and on about it...but my point is this....I learned in school a long time ago that the cycle of dysfunction (in families) is very strong. When one person breaks the cycle (by God forbid, starting to get healthy) the cycle works feverishly to maintain its momentum. Keep strong. Keep going because eventually you can break it. I tried many times to break free. Each time it was like the Godfather...."every time I think I'm out...they pull me back in".....then like I said...she died. I am still grappling with that. Keep your focus on you, Kitty. You're worth it.
Kim
I live with my mother and we do this ACOA dance all the time. She can afford to get her hair done at the top salons. But she won't pay the price. So I buy her a gift certificate and she complains that they did a lousy job for all that money. Then she goes to a cheapy place and complains that they burn her hair with cheap chemicals. I cannot physically do hair anymore. Besides I am out of practice. She expects me to look at her hair all the time and decide when it needs to be done and make time in my schedule and sit her down and just do it for her. Which I have tried and she complains about how I do it then! You cannot win when you are trying to apease your mother.
My family is a bunch of A's, acoa's and addicts and I am dealing with more of them than normal because of the holidays.
Hope it helps to know you are not alone
Julia
i can relate to this push me pull me dance a lot. It reminds me of my boyfriend. Sometimes he does come through with a few crumbs. Most of the time I try to work on my own needs. I do not dislcose that much to him anymore about my process my plans, nothing. I just keep working on what my goals are, how to take care of me (he sure as hell doesn't) and keep working on finding other avenues of support.
I do work on trying to get support in groups, on the internet and in recovery partners. Do you have recovery partners you can share stuff like this letter with?
I think its tremendously difficult to deal with a parent who is needy. My boyfriend's mother is tremendously needy and greedy too in her need. I once tolerated it but I no longer do. My needs are as relevant as hers. But his mother does not fulfill any of my needs. It sounds like your mother does on some levels.
I think the learning of boundaries with a dysfunctional parent is like walking through a tremedous vat of confusion self doubt and guilt. Before my mother died I managed to set a lot of limits with her and free myself of a lot of guilt. I felt that was a lifetime's task in itself. Nevertheless my mother never taught me self care, self direction or self preservation and that is part of being boundaried too.
Maresie.