Drowning in the Water

 

 

 Turning round and round…this is how my life is day after day with not one sound

No happiness long enough to last… and left with nothing to do or say

 

I can’t turn back the clock, and can’t make my monsters go away

I am drowning in my whirlpool

Yet nobody can save me

 

I am so far in the deep water that all I can do is continue to drown

Falling further, and further in the ice cold water

Turning blue, but still alive

 

Can anybody jump in the water?

Will anybody save me?

No, I am left alone

 

I am not who they think I am

Evil… set apart from the rest of the world

Locked up, waiting in my cage

 

 My Head pounding like a hammer

Darkness is all I can see

My eyes blood shot red

 

December 28

~Lauren~

 

Lauren Dear Heart ((((((((((((((((( Hugs )))))))))))))))

You are going through the human experience & the suffering of loving an A like we all do here.  HP wants you to reach out & choose. 

You are the only one that can save you and YOU CAN!!!  You can save yourself, that is what we are all trying to do.  Look at me 37 & only just starting to love myself. 

I realized I was no different from the "A" if I was giving all of my love to them & keeping none for me.  I thought I was doing the right thing.  Spiritually, I was on death's door.  So for the last 2 months I have been trying to love myself.  Some days are better than others...  but if I don't love me, who will?  I have to deserve my own good love. 

I had to stop obsessing about my family & think of myself.  It is hard our lives are complicated, I work for them but that doesn't mean - I can't find balance in my life.  I can still love me & learn one day at a time to put myself first.

Lauren, you are worth it, swim up, you can do it, we all love & encourage you here.

love ya, -K

Lauren, Another moving writing ! {{{Lauren}}} I couldn't help but think of the dichotemy of it when reading. Here you are drowning in the water. Water is life for without it we would not be here. We can be overtaken by it in a torrent, we could drown in the smallest amount of it. We can also cleanse ourselves with it. Cleansing on the outside and drinking the this liquid of life and cleansing our insides, physically at least. Remember Lauren. One of the things sometimes we feel is a lack of control, and it kills us. You can control your choice to break free from the whirlpool. It will be hard, it will be exhausting. And after a long rest, you can drink water again, to hydrate your body and soul. It will give you the strength to continue in your journey. There are wonderful things ahead for you. Love ya like your one of my own, Bob

I like the water metaphor too. Right now everywhere I live is raining and the place is soaked with water. I like to think of that water as washing away all my guilt and shame rather than an annoyance.  I listened to a thunder storm the other night with my little beagle dog beside me and was able to be present rather than scattered a hundred bits to the wind as normal.

Maresie.

Dear Lauren, Thank you for giving us your poem. It is very thought provoking - I also like the one, Stevie Somebody, "Not Waving But Drowning" - where he is sinking, in the water, and people on the beach think he is waving to them. I used to be terrified of drowning - I did not learn to swim until I was 32 years old! I conquered my fear, with the help of a great instructor, because I wanted to share in family outings, swimming with my children. Now, I love to swim. Not going anywhere with that thought, just, you made me remember how scared I used to be - and how glad I am no longer to have that fear. Keep writing! Lots of love, Flora xxxx