I posted last week about my husband wanting  to remain a big part of my life even though we are seperated and at first I thought this might work. When my husband first proposed this to me we were talking about divorce and he even said that if I wanted to find myself a boyfriend that it would be ok with him but if I wanted to come and spend the weekend with him (meaning my husband) that would be ok too.  How sick is that???? At first my husband was saying that he didn't want to be married anymore because married people hurt each other (like his mother and father who were A's) but friends don't.  Right there at the end my husband was wanting to get violent and I think that my husband knows that he can't control his impulse to want to get violent with me when he is drinking and he knows that I will call the police on him and his biggest fear is of going to jail. Well at first I thought maybe we could be friends and maybe do things together.  I didn't have to be around him when he was drinking and he would be on his best possible behavior when I was around.  And when I wanted to go off and do things with my sister or friends or go and see my grandbabies I would be free to do that as well without having to explain myself.  Well it turns out that it's not that easy.  I don't know if I went into this with expectations.  I went and visited him over the Christmas holiday and instead of feeling joy like I thought I would I left feeling sad and depressed.  I have no plans of going back to my husband as long as he is actively drinking and using drugs and this is alot harder than I thought it would be.  Not only that, my husband is already showing jealousy over a male friend of my sister (who is gay by the way). But I am afraid this is only going to keep me stuck in an unhealthy relationship and keep me from moving forward and healing.  I need any ESH that you can give me.

Thanks,

Julie

Julielynn,

I really don't have any ESH about what you are going through. Ok I just had a thought and maybe I do. LoL, I took a break for a sec to talk to a co-worker.

My "A" and I seperated a few years ago for almost 1 year. We had no contact for a few months and then he called to see if he could come see his daughter and to find out how his unborn daughter was doing. I of course said yes since he a a few months clean time. We started talking and after a few time of him visiting the physical relationship started againg, but there wasn't a commitment from either one of us. I loved him so much and wanted him in my life, not just as the father of my kids. I had just come into alanon at this point and wasn't making the best decissions at that time. If I could do it all over again I am not sure if I would change things, but I do know that the friends with benifits thing wasn't that great for my self-esteem.

If you aren't feeling great about the situation and if so, you are more than likely having doubts. If that is the  case then maybe you could examine the situation and see the pros and the cons and all that. 

Do you have a sponsor to talk about this with? That could be helpful. And pray, let your HP guide you.

Much Love,

julie

i too was in your situation.....

when my ex and i broke up we agreed to try and remain friends.....

because we had done everything together. we agreed not to talk for a while.... that didnt work.... we both caved in. then we decided to hang out together while he was clean and sober...that didnt work either coz we ended up being like a couple again.

then he sent me a huge bouquet of flowers for xmas and a note attached.

i was crying as usual...thats all i seem to be doing lately.

then he text last night sying he was out at a concert with friends.... he seems to be coping just fine without me. i was jealous as hell...sent him a msg telling him go to hell. im mad because hes living his life and im too busy being bitter, afraid, alone and sad.......

i cant control him. i want to.thats the problem.

its impossible to be friends with someone when your still in love with him.

be strong ......

we have to be....

luv rebecca xxx

Hello Julie,

I read your post and the others that follow ... set me thinking about my husband and if I could be friends with him if we seperated and honestly I can't answer for sure. Well let me clarify that, I could be his friend, I am honest, caring, more selfless than selfish and truly want to make other people happy. So I would not disappoint myself with unreasonable expectations what I would have to expect back is exactly what his friends have now ... someone who lies to me about his life to make his life more comfortable, who seems to care when it will manipulate me into helping his life be more comfortable, someone who would use me for whatever pleasure could be gained from it and not always be there when I needed a friend, plus maybe the added benefit of being the person he would run to whenever he needed to hide from whoever was annoyed with him most .. at least that is what his friends are to him now. When I look at my friends I do not have ANY friends like this ... only my husband. I'd still expect all those same things I do not get now, and I would get the same things that make me want to leave him now, it would just be in smaller doses of insanity. Thank you for giving me something to think about, I wish you all the best. Take care of yourself.

Jennifer