I have just recently discovered that my husband is an alcoholic.  It is something that I have always worried about because it runs rampant in his family.  Over the years there have been little clues.  He's never been able to admit when he's had too much to drink, even in situations where it would have been socially acceptable.  The scariest part about that is he then has no problem driving himself home afterwards.  During the past year or two there have been 4 or 5 really bad incidents where he came home very drunk.  Lying about where he'd been and saying he'd had nothing to drink.  A few times he admitted it, other times he stayed with the lies even after he sobered up and I confronted him again.  Sometimes I really believed him.  The last bad incident was a few days ago.  This time he came out and told me he's been drinking every day for over a year.  5-7 mixed drinks a night, in our home.  I feel so stupid I never noticed.  He works very hard, long hours and the signs I was seeing in him I really thought stemmed from exhaustion.  He would fall asleep on the couch every night- I thought, but he was really passed out drunk. 

I am so hurt and angry right now.  I feel like I don't know him anymore, he has lied to my face for so long.  He says he is going to get help, but I worry it is only because he feels he is about to lose his family.  I am afraid once he feels comfortable in our relationship again he will start again.  He has sworn to me before that he would stop and not risk losing his family- this was after the really bad incidents, before I knew this was actually a daily thing.  We have small children and I worry about them.  They have witnessed a few bad scenes with their father before, and I fear I am putting them at risk staying with him.  At the same time I know he's not a bad person and he loves us.  But I don't know how I can ever trust him again.  Scary also is that he is the sole provider for our family.  I gave up my career when we had kids to care for them and support him.  We have a child with special needs, my husband makes a very good income and has been able to provide all the extra help our child needs.  I couldn't do it without him.  I worry that he will kill himself doing this and I feel desperate being so dependant on someone who is proving himself to be very unreliable. 

I don't know whether I should stay with him and see if he gets help, or seperate until he can pull it together.  Part of me thinks I should take the kids and go and try to figure out a way to provide for them on my own without having to depend on him.  I am probably too hurt and angry to make a decision like that right now.  But to those who have been through it, are you able to forgive and trust again?  How do you get past the anger?   

    

ab23

this is the right place to be...read a few posts from other people...feel the situations they are in and take what you can from them.

believe me when i say...i too wanted to "fix" my exboyf. stop his drinking, stop him hanging around wth total scumbags etc... but i realised i cant.

i can only look after myself. im reasponsible for me. i can only make my own choices.

i choose to get out of the situatin. it was making me physically sick.

depression engulfed me, i was anious, afraid of being alone, terrfied of not being able to stop the anger...and hatre di had inside me.

im coping all of because of one thing...THIS WEBSITE.

these people are like my 2nd family.

we all support each other...coz we understand the manic world each of us lived in or is currently lived in. no one will tel you what to do in here..they will listen when you want to rant and rave...soothe you when all you do is cry...and ofer help and guidance when your lost and alone.

keep coming back....

we are always here.... but do remember....you start looking after YOU! and your child.

luv rebecca xxx

with my "A"s in my family....i say to myself   i didn't CAUSE their problems....i cannot CONTROL their  lives.....i cannot CURE their disease.....

that keeps me focusing on me/ my recovery becuz the ONLY thing i can do..is take care of me...work my program....mind my own business....work MY inventory, not anothers (waste of time).....i am learning to rely on me/ take care of me/  meet my needs myself......

my X was an "A"  too.....i got out becuz i wanted recovery...he did not...i knew he would be a detriment to my healing and loving myself.......i don't give advice, becuz  only YOU can know what you want to do.....

i **suggest** that you  1..get sponser    2...get all the literature you can that is alanon approved     3..get books on the 12Steps cuz the 12Steps are the backbone of the recovery program     4..share on boards    5..go to meetings    90 meets in 90 days either fac 2 face (preferably)  however on line is good too    6...go ONE day at a time.........good luck,  rosie

What Rosie said, ditto for me.

Thanks to both of you for your responses.  Rebecca, did your boyfriend ever get help?  It makes me so sad to think of my husband letting his life go down the drain if I were to leave.  He keeps saying he can't do this without me and the kids.  But the thing is, we weren't enough to keep him from it in the first place, how can we make him stop.  I really hope he will get help and that our marriage can be saved.  I am terrified of splitting up because of custody of the children.  I'm so afraid there would be joint custoody and he would have my kids where I was unable to protect him.  I too have been physically ill over this problem and very depressed.  But mostly I am terrified.  My husband is a very powerful attorney and has practically a god-like standing in our town.  I'm so scared if we split up he'll get at least partial custody and something terrible will happen to my kids.  I feel very trapped.

Hi,

Alanon says to use program before making decisions at least 6 months

Find face to face meetings, read alanon literature, join online chatroom, get professional help:therapist and, most of all, strengthen your faith.

Follow the steps.  They work!

yours in Alanon,

toto

 

 

My ex is an "A".  When I started going to alanon he got mad and filed for divorce.  He got the nastiest attorney in town.  Accused me of being unfit!  We now have joint custody.  He has even taken her to bars with him.  It has been hard.  I also did not want to separate for the exact same reasons.  I learned here that I cannot control him or his drinking.  Or what he does when he has her.  I can only work on what I can control.  I taught my 4 yr old to call home from her dad's so I know she is ok.  I can only work on me and my spiritual health.  So I...Go to meetings...read the literature...post and read here.  The friends I have made in alanon are my life line.  I don't know how I would have made it through this with out them.  It has been over a year now and it still hurts.  But it is better than living in the chaos.  My daughter and I are closer and we have a much better relationship.

 

Hope this helps you....

 

Julia

Hi and welcome don't try and rush everything and have the answers all at once.  Start with baby steps, the 3 c's and step one which we all keep coming back to.  At the moment I am dealing with my A who hit rock bottom lost his licence, sought help,  stopped drinking and is now active again.  There is nothing I can do at the moment except keep the focus on me.  I swing from one day to the next on decisions- we have been married for 20 years.  Start to remember what a good person you are.  Luv Leo xx 

HI Ab23 - I totally relate to what you posted here. YOu are definately in the right place, and I hope you've had the courage to get yourself to an actual al-anon meeting. (face to face) This place is absolutely wonderful; but support from ppl will benefit you and your family so much more. Enough said..... I am a young mom with 2 young children, my husband is an active A. I totally understand the emotional turmoil, the love - the pain, the exhaustion - and the desperation. All of us here do. We have all been where you are at, and more. I hope you will find encouragement here to do what you need to do for your family. Please feel free to PM me anytime. Please know, here you will find love and no judgement for you or the 'a' that you love. We all love one. Yours, Angie