Happy Holidays all~
I made it through my visit with my cousin and his family. I still have a lot of feelings about it and him but it is over now. I am glad I went and saw some of my cousins.
I am having a lot of trouble being me right now. I so badly want to run and hide from me... I have even tried doing that! I know I cannot escape me, my thoughts, my feelings etc. I keep asking myself why I am allowing myself to feel like this and what I am getting out of it. That helps me for the second but then I come back. I think I need to go journal about what is really going on inside me right now.
I am glad the bulk of the holiday is over. As much as I am looking forward to the kids going back to school and routines re-starting I dread it; becasue it means I have to really get back to seriously looking for a FT job. It scares me.
I have been feeling SO lonely lately. My heart feels like it is shattering. On Christmas day my sister talked to everyone but me... gee thanks :(
I really just want to be loved.
Sorry for rambling. Wishing everyone a happy and healthy 2006.
Linda
maresie said
Dec 28, 2005
I had some incredibly lonely Christmases with my family of origin. My mother bought gifts for my elder sister's friends. The only time she acknowledged my friends was to say they were awful. The whole holiday like most of our family life revolved around my elder sister's wants and needs and I resented it so much then. I did have the labels to put on it then that I do now. My elder sister was like the mega god above everyone and everything and her very breath was viewed as incredible. The rest of us were relegated to servants who were supposed to attend to her needs and wants. I have found myself gravitating towards many many people who are like my sister I guess because I could not differentiate a lot of my emotions towards her. Now when I see narcissism I put a lot of limits on my exposure to it. My boyfriend's mother is an incredible narcissist not in the same category as my elder sister but really up there. I reduce exposure to her at all costs. Yesterday I felt some resentment come up about all the time I spent mirroring her. She does no mirroring validation to me. What I am grateful for is that none of that continues today. I set an incredible amount of limits on being exposed to her. My boyfriend is enmeshed with his family on many many levels (he spent yesterday with his brother but does not tell me). He can be. I just don't allow it to affect me. I don't view his mother's narcissism as personal to me. I could and I did and that made me toxic with resentment. I just work on ways to get support, nuturing and caring for myself from people who can give rather than those who pretend to give but can't.
Maresie.
tea2 said
Dec 28, 2005
(((sandie)))
Hold on tight -this will pass. Think of all you have placed behind you this year, and remember the New Year is here, full of possibilities. I agree with the idea of the journal, hope it helps. Lots of Well Wishes, Tracey
I had some incredibly lonely Christmases with my family of origin. My mother bought gifts for my elder sister's friends. The only time she acknowledged my friends was to say they were awful. The whole holiday like most of our family life revolved around my elder sister's wants and needs and I resented it so much then. I did have the labels to put on it then that I do now. My elder sister was like the mega god above everyone and everything and her very breath was viewed as incredible. The rest of us were relegated to servants who were supposed to attend to her needs and wants. I have found myself gravitating towards many many people who are like my sister I guess because I could not differentiate a lot of my emotions towards her. Now when I see narcissism I put a lot of limits on my exposure to it. My boyfriend's mother is an incredible narcissist not in the same category as my elder sister but really up there. I reduce exposure to her at all costs. Yesterday I felt some resentment come up about all the time I spent mirroring her. She does no mirroring validation to me. What I am grateful for is that none of that continues today. I set an incredible amount of limits on being exposed to her. My boyfriend is enmeshed with his family on many many levels (he spent yesterday with his brother but does not tell me). He can be. I just don't allow it to affect me. I don't view his mother's narcissism as personal to me. I could and I did and that made me toxic with resentment. I just work on ways to get support, nuturing and caring for myself from people who can give rather than those who pretend to give but can't.
Maresie.
(((sandie)))
Hold on tight -this will pass. Think of all you have placed behind you this year, and remember the New Year is here, full of possibilities. I agree with the idea of the journal, hope it helps.
Lots of Well Wishes, Tracey