What a surprise; my husband was drinking himself stupid again over the Christmas weekend. At least there was no fighting or screaming. On Saturday night we went to a Christmas party. He can't just drink a little, have some good conversation, etc. He has to drink until he's obnoxious and he started picking on my brother (who is a little slow). When I give him dirty looks for that, he says he's only having fun. This part is gross, but sometimes it's easier to tell strangers this stuff than my own friends, but he had a bathroom accident in the bed and I'm not talking about peeing! This isn't the first time he's done that. Someone who used to look so attactive to me, looks disgusting to me now. Then on Monday (we both had the day off of work) he says he's going ice fishing. He fished for maybe a half hour and spent the rest of the day drinking. He came home sloppy drunk. He watched TV and can't remember any of what we watched or talked about, which is nothing new. Yesterday I tried to talk to him about it and he tells me that he's only having fun. That's his answer to drinking like that. It's like he can't have fun unless he's falling down drunk. He makes it look like I'm no fun at all because I don't drink like that. The worst part of all of this is the things he says to my son when he's drunk. Luckily, he wasn't drunk when my son was with us for part of Christmas day. He gets mad at my son for every little thing he does. He's inconsistent with the rules and thinks my son is backtalking him. I have almost no respect for my husband anymore. We haven't even been married a year yet!! I already want a divorce, but can't because we just bought the house we live in. He doesn't think he has a problem at all. He thinks an alcoholic is someone who doesn't make it to work. I told him plenty of alcoholics can make it to work. He gets mad at me if I mention the A word even. He's been told he's an A from his ex-wife, his ex-girlfriends, family members, etc. He thinks he's only having fun. He's a selfish person who only cares about "having fun". I think he needs to hook up with another A and they can "have fun" together. Leave me out of it! I would love to join Al-Anon, but can't go to the only group they have in my town (my boss goes there and it would be uncomfortable). I can't go to the chat rooms you have because I only have the internet here at work. Any ideas on what I can do???
Lindy
megan said
Dec 28, 2005
Hi Lindy and welcome
I am so glad that you found us.
What you described is typical alcoholic behaviour.
Can you find face to face alanon meetings in your area?
They are very helpful because you will meet people just like you who have been affected by an alcoholic.
here are the 3 c's you did not cause it, you cannot cure it and you can't control it it being his drinking.
A good book that i have read is the "getting them sober" books by Toby Rice drew. easy to read and so helpful and true.
Alanon will help you cope with living with an alcoholic.
Again, welcome and keep coming back
megan
okay i missed the part about your boss goes to the local meeting.
can you go to one in another town?
My home meeting is an hour away from my home because my best friend goes to it and the people and the healing are fantastic.
-- Edited by megan at 10:27, 2005-12-28
leo said
Dec 28, 2005
Hi Lindy,
Hang in there I am in Australia so I can't give you any phone numbers but I am sure someone on the board can. You are able to become a lone member of al-anon which I am and you can do this by contacting the al-anon organisation in your area. They can then supply you with literature etc and someone who can stay in contact with you if you wish them to. Where I live is in a very small town so every action of my husband's is noticed. Because we don't have al-anon here we do have a drug and alcohol counsellor who visits town once a month. My husband chose to see one as I said I wasn't gone to support him again unless he got help. I choose to see another counsellor for myself. There I deal with the issues that affect me living with an active drinker in the family. I wanted to go and start looking after me. The first thing you need to remember are the 3's I cannot control the drinking, I cannot cure it and I did not cause it. Not sure if that is the right order but that was the first thing I stuck on my fridge and I didn't care if my A saw it. There are so many caring people here that will reach out to you so if you are feeling down and emotionally exhausted come to the board and there will always be a shoulder to cry on. What you shared with us was very personal and I too can say that I have confided more about my life to people here than friends and family I have known for years. Here for you anytime. Keep your chin up. Luv Leo xx
DanaAngel said
Dec 28, 2005
Lindy,
Welcome to the board. I relate to where you are coming from with being uncomfortable going to an Alanon meeting with your boss there- my sister in law used to also be my boss and she started going to Alanon about a year ago. Fortunately she doesn't go to the same group I do, although she knows about it. She has invited me to go to her group on occasion, but I decline. When we were working together I also had issues involving her so that would have made me uncomfortable at the time. Now though I think it would be okay if she ever decided to go to the group I go to. Her husband is a still active A. With regard to your situation, I would suggest checking into your local library, a lot of them have Internet access.
Dana
lildee said
Dec 28, 2005
Dearest Lindy ,
In your post you said " I would love to join Al-Anon, but can't go to the only group they have in my town (my boss goes there and it would be uncomfortable). "
Guess what if your boss is going to this meeting she or he has the same problems as you. This may work for you. Alanon has anonimity. There is supposed to be no gossip. The first few meetings we all go to are uncomfortable, this is normal, we scared, frightened and mentally a wreck.
Meetings are really important. You can always try them for a while then make a desicion. As to on line meetings maybe you could use someone else's computer or one at the library.
Good luck and try a meeting your worth it.
Love & God Bless
lildee
maresie said
Dec 28, 2005
Lindy: congratulations on making it here. I live with an alcoholic/addict boyfriend. We have been together for 5 years have tons of stuff together including pets. His idea of Christmas is to leave all the work to me and go to his brothers and smoke dope and then expect me to be thrilled he came home at all.
Wow what a wonderful present he is stinky, a slob and a total selfish creep and like you I am never supposed to bring anything up because that might upset him. After all he is just a baby!
I can put myself into deep depressions resenting him so I choose not to but I also choose to actively detach from a lot of stuff day in day out. I also choose in future not to spend Christmas with him if I can manage it (which I haven't yet). At the same time this Christmas was far far better than others. First of all I was not engaging with his family (who are incredibly toxic and needy and never see me as a person anyways). Secondly I am working on my own issues rather than still trying to fix him (he is after all an adult rather than the baby he acts like). Thirdly I am starting to really build a support system for myself.
So I think it does get better but we have to do it one day at a time. I am glad you are boundaried enough to know that you dont' want your boss to know all your personal business. Boundaries have been huge for me.
What a surprise; my husband was drinking himself stupid again over the Christmas weekend. At least there was no fighting or screaming. On Saturday night we went to a Christmas party. He can't just drink a little, have some good conversation, etc. He has to drink until he's obnoxious and he started picking on my brother (who is a little slow). When I give him dirty looks for that, he says he's only having fun. This part is gross, but sometimes it's easier to tell strangers this stuff than my own friends, but he had a bathroom accident in the bed and I'm not talking about peeing! This isn't the first time he's done that. Someone who used to look so attactive to me, looks disgusting to me now. Then on Monday (we both had the day off of work) he says he's going ice fishing. He fished for maybe a half hour and spent the rest of the day drinking. He came home sloppy drunk. He watched TV and can't remember any of what we watched or talked about, which is nothing new. Yesterday I tried to talk to him about it and he tells me that he's only having fun. That's his answer to drinking like that. It's like he can't have fun unless he's falling down drunk. He makes it look like I'm no fun at all because I don't drink like that. The worst part of all of this is the things he says to my son when he's drunk. Luckily, he wasn't drunk when my son was with us for part of Christmas day. He gets mad at my son for every little thing he does. He's inconsistent with the rules and thinks my son is backtalking him. I have almost no respect for my husband anymore. We haven't even been married a year yet!! I already want a divorce, but can't because we just bought the house we live in. He doesn't think he has a problem at all. He thinks an alcoholic is someone who doesn't make it to work. I told him plenty of alcoholics can make it to work. He gets mad at me if I mention the A word even. He's been told he's an A from his ex-wife, his ex-girlfriends, family members, etc. He thinks he's only having fun. He's a selfish person who only cares about "having fun". I think he needs to hook up with another A and they can "have fun" together. Leave me out of it! I would love to join Al-Anon, but can't go to the only group they have in my town (my boss goes there and it would be uncomfortable). I can't go to the chat rooms you have because I only have the internet here at work. Any ideas on what I can do???
Lindy
Hi Lindy and welcome
I am so glad that you found us.
What you described is typical alcoholic behaviour.
Can you find face to face alanon meetings in your area?
They are very helpful because you will meet people just like you who have been affected by an alcoholic.
here are the 3 c's you did not cause it, you cannot cure it and you can't control it it being his drinking.
A good book that i have read is the "getting them sober" books by Toby Rice drew. easy to read and so helpful and true.
Alanon will help you cope with living with an alcoholic.
Again, welcome and keep coming back
megan
okay i missed the part about your boss goes to the local meeting.
can you go to one in another town?
My home meeting is an hour away from my home because my best friend goes to it and the people and the healing are fantastic.
-- Edited by megan at 10:27, 2005-12-28
Hi Lindy,
Hang in there I am in Australia so I can't give you any phone numbers but I am sure someone on the board can. You are able to become a lone member of al-anon which I am and you can do this by contacting the al-anon organisation in your area. They can then supply you with literature etc and someone who can stay in contact with you if you wish them to. Where I live is in a very small town so every action of my husband's is noticed. Because we don't have al-anon here we do have a drug and alcohol counsellor who visits town once a month. My husband chose to see one as I said I wasn't gone to support him again unless he got help. I choose to see another counsellor for myself. There I deal with the issues that affect me living with an active drinker in the family. I wanted to go and start looking after me. The first thing you need to remember are the 3's I cannot control the drinking, I cannot cure it and I did not cause it. Not sure if that is the right order but that was the first thing I stuck on my fridge and I didn't care if my A saw it. There are so many caring people here that will reach out to you so if you are feeling down and emotionally exhausted come to the board and there will always be a shoulder to cry on. What you shared with us was very personal and I too can say that I have confided more about my life to people here than friends and family I have known for years. Here for you anytime. Keep your chin up. Luv Leo xx
Lindy,
Welcome to the board. I relate to where you are coming from with being uncomfortable going to an Alanon meeting with your boss there- my sister in law used to also be my boss and she started going to Alanon about a year ago. Fortunately she doesn't go to the same group I do, although she knows about it. She has invited me to go to her group on occasion, but I decline. When we were working together I also had issues involving her so that would have made me uncomfortable at the time. Now though I think it would be okay if she ever decided to go to the group I go to. Her husband is a still active A. With regard to your situation, I would suggest checking into your local library, a lot of them have Internet access.
Dana
Dearest Lindy ,
In your post you said " I would love to join Al-Anon, but can't go to the only group they have in my town (my boss goes there and it would be uncomfortable). "
Guess what if your boss is going to this meeting she or he has the same problems as you. This may work for you. Alanon has anonimity. There is supposed to be no gossip. The first few meetings we all go to are uncomfortable, this is normal, we scared, frightened and mentally a wreck.
Meetings are really important. You can always try them for a while then make a desicion. As to on line meetings maybe you could use someone else's computer or one at the library.
Good luck and try a meeting your worth it.
Love & God Bless
lildee
Lindy: congratulations on making it here. I live with an alcoholic/addict boyfriend. We have been together for 5 years have tons of stuff together including pets. His idea of Christmas is to leave all the work to me and go to his brothers and smoke dope and then expect me to be thrilled he came home at all.
Wow what a wonderful present he is stinky, a slob and a total selfish creep and like you I am never supposed to bring anything up because that might upset him. After all he is just a baby!
I can put myself into deep depressions resenting him so I choose not to but I also choose to actively detach from a lot of stuff day in day out. I also choose in future not to spend Christmas with him if I can manage it (which I haven't yet). At the same time this Christmas was far far better than others. First of all I was not engaging with his family (who are incredibly toxic and needy and never see me as a person anyways). Secondly I am working on my own issues rather than still trying to fix him (he is after all an adult rather than the baby he acts like). Thirdly I am starting to really build a support system for myself.
So I think it does get better but we have to do it one day at a time. I am glad you are boundaried enough to know that you dont' want your boss to know all your personal business. Boundaries have been huge for me.
Maresie.