You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go </OA_HTML/ibeCCtpItmDspRte.jsp?item=1271>.
Near the Top
I know you're tired. I know you feel overwhelmed. You may feel as though this crisis, this problem, this hard time will last forever.It won't. You are almost through.You don't just think it has been hard; it has been hard. You have been tested, tried, and retested on what you have learned.Your beliefs and your faith have been tried in fire. You have believed, then doubted, then worked at believing some more. You have had to have faith even when you could not see or imagine what you were asked to believe. Others around you may have tried to convince you not to believe in what you were hoping you could believe.You have had opposition. You have not gotten to this place with total support and joy. You have had to work hard, in spite of what was happening around you. Sometimes, what motivated you was anger; sometimes fear.Things went wrong - more problems occurred than you anticipated. There were obstacles, frustrations, and annoyances en route. You did not plan on this being the way it would evolve. Much of this has been a surprise; some of it has not been at all what you desired.
>>>>>>>rosie>>> i am **road kill**...overwhelmed?? yep, i feel like i am swimming in pudding....this grief?? yeah, i feel like it is going to last forever...that there is NO joy for me....i feel like satan has his foot in my back and hes NOT letting me up....there are times i DO feel like this...like there is a big black cloud over me when i was born!!!!! its not like i am in crisis, its this "nothingness" of my life...and when exciting stuff DOES happen, it is the BAD kind....not good excitement.....how does this author KNOW i am almost through???? that is a set up for disappointment to me....NOONE knows when i am almost through....i go DAY to DAY!!! thats it.....oh no i KNOW it has been hard...this recovery has been the most horrendous pain even maybe worse than the abuse, cuz during the abuse i **wasn't there** i was disassociative--numbed out--shut down......
>>>>>>>rosie>>>with this??? i am FEELING it ALL the way......tested?? tried?? and oh yeah, REtested?? to the max--- so much so i wanted to QUIT!!!!! my beliefs and faith were **stone ground**....they would sift through a coffee filter......yep, back and forth between disbelief and doubt, and maybe a shred of belief that got shredded......i had to **fake faith** when i could not see.....others aroudn me kept saying "oh your good is comming" till i was almost ready to "do a water buffalo (throw up)"...i mean i got the ole encouragement w/no demonstration, i have finally decided to make my PEACE with whatever happends.....actually most of my family supports me, i can be grateful for that.....for me?? motivation was anger, yes, and fear that i'll go nuts sometimes.....and oh yeah, stuff went wrong..disappointments deluxe...probelms?? yep, i mean the demons threw the kitchen sink at me to quit this.......i did NOT plan on this being so damned hard and painful...i can see why so many "drop out" its too damned painful, and there is NO guarantee my circumstances will EVER get better....ALL i can hope for is to "fall in love with me" and thats about it....really, taking better care of me.......surprise?? yep, AND a lot of undesireable crap.....like sitting in a dentist chair with NO novacain, and this dentist is yanking out the biggest , baddest tooth with roots compared to a california redwood, and hes yanking the sucker out and i am in the chair, jumping around like i am on hot coals, PRAYING to either die or get better, and he gets the thing out...and i am there in shock....i THINK the worst is over with...now there is this BIG cotton wad the size of a diaper to cover my gaping wound.......so yeah, pain with a "capital P"
Yet, it has been good. Part of you, the deepest part that knows truth, has sensed this all along, even when your head told you that things were out of whack and crazy; that there was no plan or purpose, that God had forgotten you.So much has happened, and each incident - the most painful, the most troubling, and the most surprising - has a connection. You are beginning to see and sense that.You never dreamt things would happen this way, did you? But they did. Now you are learning the secret - they were meant to happen this way, and this way is good, better than what you expected.You didn't believe it would take this long, either - did you? But it did. You have learned patience.You never thought you could have it, but now you know you do.You have been led. Many were the moments when you thought you were forgotten, when you were convinced you had been abandoned. Now you know you have been guided. Now things are coming into place. You are almost at the end of this phase, this difficult portion of the journey. The lesson is almost complete. You know - the lesson you fought, resisted, and insisted you could not learn. Yes, that one. You have almost mastered it.
>>>>>rosie>>> well the only good i can see so far is the TRUENESS of this program...its the ONLY thing that has given me a modicum of hope in my sad life.......i STILL wonder if there is a plan or purpose for me...and did god really forget me???? i STILL have to wonder that one.....i just slog through , and i see the progress and i say "thank you" but no more "maybe '06 will be better" no more "well the karma has GOTTA turn"....its DAY to DAY for me.....making my peace with what i cannot change.....asking for courage to change what i can...and asking for the knowledge between the two...thats ALL!!! NO expectations!!! just one foot in front of the other......DAY to DAY!!!!!! something inside of me is trying to heal me.....there IS a part of me that loves me.....somewhere buried deep..under the bacteria infested trash and garbage my perp dumped on me.....
>>>>>rosie>>>>maybe i work this so hard (program) for REVENGE!!! like i am saying to his condemned and sorry assed soul "i am gonna beat you by loving ME".....i guess this was meant to happen...sometimes i think that god was kinda bored one day and decided to "throw rosie into recovery and see what she does"...well i am here...and i am working on me....the secret i am learning is i go ONE day at a time, and i know it MUST--DOES begin with me!!! i figure i am here bcuz someone/thing wants me to heal.....so ok!! i'll bite!!!! here i am!! and its been like someone running a cheese grater over my already bleeding heart!!!!!! patience?? well how about resignation that i am not going to push my recovery any faster than it is already going so how about "just going with the flow???".....oh yeah, many times i thought god was on coffee break when my needs were being told.....i called and got voice mail.... well i don't know if i am almost there...i HOPE i am....but there again.....keep my **expectations** down......that way i am not disappointed.......
You have been changed from the inside out. You have been moved to a different level, a higher level, a better level.You have been climbing a mountain. It has not been easy, but mountain climbing is never easy. Now, you are near the top. A moment longer, and the victory shall be yours.Steady your shoulders. Breathe deeply. Move forward in confidence and peace. The time is coming to relish and enjoy all, which you have fought for. That time is drawing near, finally.I know you have thought before that the time was drawing near, only to learn that it wasn't. But now, the reward is coming. You know that too. You can feel it.Your struggle has not been in vain. For every struggle on this journey, there is a climax, a resolution.Peace, joy, abundant blessings, and reward are yours here on earth. Enjoy.There will be more mountains, but now you know how to climb them. And you have learned the secret of what is at the top.Today, I will accept where I am and continue pushing forward. If I am in the midst of a learning experience, I will allow myself to continue on with the faith that the day of mastery and reward will come. Help me, God; understand that despite my best efforts to live in peaceful serenity, there are times of mountain climbing. Help me stop creating chaos and crisis, and help me meet the challenges that will move me upward and forward.
>>>>>rosie>>>>yep, i have changed from the inside out....like a reversible jacket, i am wearing diferent colors now...brighter ones...ones with more DEPTH to them....my level?? yeah, i have progressed...i am closing my 2nd year in recovery...the ole "sophmore" year...maybe its true!!! about the "sophmore" year being so sucky...mine sure did...but i learned a hell of a lot.......
>>>>>rosie>>>there again, i don't know where i am at as far as reaching the top....i don't know....i just hope the worst is behind me.........i don't know about the "moment longer than victory" i don't know when ....i quit putting a timer on this....just take it one piece at at a time.....don't worry about the "whens wheres" i am in my recovery......i am glad for the things i learned here...step 4 turned into being my best friend.......i also am grateful for steps 1,2,3.....i never thought i could "give up" ANYthing...but i can......yes, i thought b4 that the "time was drawing near" and it didn't come...MORE pain...MORE grief......... the "reward comming" COULD be my after life....who knows?? i am not "going there" cuz that can be a set up for more disappointment/ resentment..........i don't know WHEN my "reward" is comming IF it comes in this life....atleast i won't carry this garbage with me to the other side....THAT i DO know!!!!! i dont' "feel" any reward comming, i "feel" myself progressing......i don't feel my struggle has been in vain, i will go "lighter" to the afterlife......peace?? yeah joy??? what is that?? abundant blessings??? haven't seen it..... "here on earth"??? can be so, can be no....i have seen MANY people NOT receive their rewards here in this life.....so i wont' set myself up trying to predict my future that my "abundence/ joy/ reward/ or whatever i crave" is going to happen here.....i can say this!!! i can LOVE me....take better CARE of me.......make better DECISIONS.........RELATE to others better.......be MYSELF.......make my PEACE with my "unchangeables" in life..........make my PEACE with me..........make AMENDS to those i harmed..........i can make and defend BOUNDARIES...... i can ACCEPT life better........i can be OK with just me!!!!!
leo said
Dec 28, 2005
Rosie I really like this post especially the bit about the mountain. I think I will change my star sign from Leo (wanting everything done yesterday) to Capricorn the goat. Slowly the goat goes up the hill. Easy does it. Thanks luv ya. Leo x
TUESDAY , DECEMBER 27, 2005
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go </OA_HTML/ibeCCtpItmDspRte.jsp?item=1271>.
Near the Top
I know you're tired. I know you feel overwhelmed. You may feel as though this crisis, this problem, this hard time will last forever.It won't. You are almost through.You don't just think it has been hard; it has been hard. You have been tested, tried, and retested on what you have learned.Your beliefs and your faith have been tried in fire. You have believed, then doubted, then worked at believing some more. You have had to have faith even when you could not see or imagine what you were asked to believe. Others around you may have tried to convince you not to believe in what you were hoping you could believe.You have had opposition. You have not gotten to this place with total support and joy. You have had to work hard, in spite of what was happening around you. Sometimes, what motivated you was anger; sometimes fear.Things went wrong - more problems occurred than you anticipated. There were obstacles, frustrations, and annoyances en route. You did not plan on this being the way it would evolve. Much of this has been a surprise; some of it has not been at all what you desired.
>>>>>>>rosie>>> i am **road kill**...overwhelmed?? yep, i feel like i am swimming in pudding....this grief?? yeah, i feel like it is going to last forever...that there is NO joy for me....i feel like satan has his foot in my back and hes NOT letting me up....there are times i DO feel like this...like there is a big black cloud over me when i was born!!!!! its not like i am in crisis, its this "nothingness" of my life...and when exciting stuff DOES happen, it is the BAD kind....not good excitement.....how does this author KNOW i am almost through???? that is a set up for disappointment to me....NOONE knows when i am almost through....i go DAY to DAY!!! thats it.....oh no i KNOW it has been hard...this recovery has been the most horrendous pain even maybe worse than the abuse, cuz during the abuse i **wasn't there** i was disassociative--numbed out--shut down......
>>>>>>>rosie>>>with this??? i am FEELING it ALL the way......tested?? tried?? and oh yeah, REtested?? to the max--- so much so i wanted to QUIT!!!!! my beliefs and faith were **stone ground**....they would sift through a coffee filter......yep, back and forth between disbelief and doubt, and maybe a shred of belief that got shredded......i had to **fake faith** when i could not see.....others aroudn me kept saying "oh your good is comming" till i was almost ready to "do a water buffalo (throw up)"...i mean i got the ole encouragement w/no demonstration, i have finally decided to make my PEACE with whatever happends.....actually most of my family supports me, i can be grateful for that.....for me?? motivation was anger, yes, and fear that i'll go nuts sometimes.....and oh yeah, stuff went wrong..disappointments deluxe...probelms?? yep, i mean the demons threw the kitchen sink at me to quit this.......i did NOT plan on this being so damned hard and painful...i can see why so many "drop out" its too damned painful, and there is NO guarantee my circumstances will EVER get better....ALL i can hope for is to "fall in love with me" and thats about it....really, taking better care of me.......surprise?? yep, AND a lot of undesireable crap.....like sitting in a dentist chair with NO novacain, and this dentist is yanking out the biggest , baddest tooth with roots compared to a california redwood, and hes yanking the sucker out and i am in the chair, jumping around like i am on hot coals, PRAYING to either die or get better, and he gets the thing out...and i am there in shock....i THINK the worst is over with...now there is this BIG cotton wad the size of a diaper to cover my gaping wound.......so yeah, pain with a "capital P"
Yet, it has been good. Part of you, the deepest part that knows truth, has sensed this all along, even when your head told you that things were out of whack and crazy; that there was no plan or purpose, that God had forgotten you.So much has happened, and each incident - the most painful, the most troubling, and the most surprising - has a connection. You are beginning to see and sense that.You never dreamt things would happen this way, did you? But they did. Now you are learning the secret - they were meant to happen this way, and this way is good, better than what you expected.You didn't believe it would take this long, either - did you? But it did. You have learned patience.You never thought you could have it, but now you know you do.You have been led. Many were the moments when you thought you were forgotten, when you were convinced you had been abandoned. Now you know you have been guided. Now things are coming into place. You are almost at the end of this phase, this difficult portion of the journey. The lesson is almost complete. You know - the lesson you fought, resisted, and insisted you could not learn. Yes, that one. You have almost mastered it.
>>>>>rosie>>> well the only good i can see so far is the TRUENESS of this program...its the ONLY thing that has given me a modicum of hope in my sad life.......i STILL wonder if there is a plan or purpose for me...and did god really forget me???? i STILL have to wonder that one.....i just slog through , and i see the progress and i say "thank you" but no more "maybe '06 will be better" no more "well the karma has GOTTA turn"....its DAY to DAY for me.....making my peace with what i cannot change.....asking for courage to change what i can...and asking for the knowledge between the two...thats ALL!!! NO expectations!!! just one foot in front of the other......DAY to DAY!!!!!! something inside of me is trying to heal me.....there IS a part of me that loves me.....somewhere buried deep..under the bacteria infested trash and garbage my perp dumped on me.....
>>>>>rosie>>>>maybe i work this so hard (program) for REVENGE!!! like i am saying to his condemned and sorry assed soul "i am gonna beat you by loving ME".....i guess this was meant to happen...sometimes i think that god was kinda bored one day and decided to "throw rosie into recovery and see what she does"...well i am here...and i am working on me....the secret i am learning is i go ONE day at a time, and i know it MUST--DOES begin with me!!! i figure i am here bcuz someone/thing wants me to heal.....so ok!! i'll bite!!!! here i am!! and its been like someone running a cheese grater over my already bleeding heart!!!!!! patience?? well how about resignation that i am not going to push my recovery any faster than it is already going so how about "just going with the flow???".....oh yeah, many times i thought god was on coffee break when my needs were being told.....i called and got voice mail.... well i don't know if i am almost there...i HOPE i am....but there again.....keep my **expectations** down......that way i am not disappointed.......
You have been changed from the inside out. You have been moved to a different level, a higher level, a better level.You have been climbing a mountain. It has not been easy, but mountain climbing is never easy. Now, you are near the top. A moment longer, and the victory shall be yours.Steady your shoulders. Breathe deeply. Move forward in confidence and peace. The time is coming to relish and enjoy all, which you have fought for. That time is drawing near, finally.I know you have thought before that the time was drawing near, only to learn that it wasn't. But now, the reward is coming. You know that too. You can feel it.Your struggle has not been in vain. For every struggle on this journey, there is a climax, a resolution.Peace, joy, abundant blessings, and reward are yours here on earth. Enjoy.There will be more mountains, but now you know how to climb them. And you have learned the secret of what is at the top.Today, I will accept where I am and continue pushing forward. If I am in the midst of a learning experience, I will allow myself to continue on with the faith that the day of mastery and reward will come. Help me, God; understand that despite my best efforts to live in peaceful serenity, there are times of mountain climbing. Help me stop creating chaos and crisis, and help me meet the challenges that will move me upward and forward.
>>>>>rosie>>>>yep, i have changed from the inside out....like a reversible jacket, i am wearing diferent colors now...brighter ones...ones with more DEPTH to them....my level?? yeah, i have progressed...i am closing my 2nd year in recovery...the ole "sophmore" year...maybe its true!!! about the "sophmore" year being so sucky...mine sure did...but i learned a hell of a lot.......
>>>>>rosie>>>there again, i don't know where i am at as far as reaching the top....i don't know....i just hope the worst is behind me.........i don't know about the "moment longer than victory" i don't know when ....i quit putting a timer on this....just take it one piece at at a time.....don't worry about the "whens wheres" i am in my recovery......i am glad for the things i learned here...step 4 turned into being my best friend.......i also am grateful for steps 1,2,3.....i never thought i could "give up" ANYthing...but i can......yes, i thought b4 that the "time was drawing near" and it didn't come...MORE pain...MORE grief......... the "reward comming" COULD be my after life....who knows?? i am not "going there" cuz that can be a set up for more disappointment/ resentment..........i don't know WHEN my "reward" is comming IF it comes in this life....atleast i won't carry this garbage with me to the other side....THAT i DO know!!!!! i dont' "feel" any reward comming, i "feel" myself progressing......i don't feel my struggle has been in vain, i will go "lighter" to the afterlife......peace?? yeah joy??? what is that?? abundant blessings??? haven't seen it..... "here on earth"??? can be so, can be no....i have seen MANY people NOT receive their rewards here in this life.....so i wont' set myself up trying to predict my future that my "abundence/ joy/ reward/ or whatever i crave" is going to happen here.....i can say this!!! i can LOVE me....take better CARE of me.......make better DECISIONS.........RELATE to others better.......be MYSELF.......make my PEACE with my "unchangeables" in life..........make my PEACE with me..........make AMENDS to those i harmed..........i can make and defend BOUNDARIES...... i can ACCEPT life better........i can be OK with just me!!!!!