My A came home after my long weekend I wanted alone and I can honestly say I was not as happy to see him as I thought I would be, I am not unhappy he is here ... just a strange numbness. It's a new feeling. I am praying to my HP to keep me standing and to give me the strength needed to let myself and him live in peace. I am keeping the faith, even when my brain tells me a strip of duct tape would be more help to keep myself from saying things I end up regretting. I know he used over the holidays, disappointing but having my time to get grounded was more important than allowing him to use me as his keeper. I have realised I do not like being his warden, and strangely enough I even realise now that it is a position that I do not really put myself in as much as he puts me there. I am beginning to understand how addictive the need to feel like you are imprisoned so you can justify taking any action to do what he wants could be. Now my job is to figure out how to pull myself away from his game ... detach with love, so I can respect myself and not be the reason he gives himself to use. UHOH gonna be late for work ... have a great day everyone! Thanks for reading
Jennifer
maresie said
Dec 27, 2005
My boyfriend also tries to make me into his keeper. I do that to him too. I blame him for feeling so resentful and so depleted I can barely stand up. This morning he put in his usual two cents but I did not bite. He told me yesterday he felt trapped. I did not say anything at the time (I had an asthma attack so could not talk). Then later I brought it up. He is on holiday mode and does not want to go to work. The creditors for him (thank god sometimes we are not married) call day and night, night and day. He will lose one of his cars soon because they will not let him slide anymore. But he needs his holidays.
I used to be drawn in, feel burned, get exahusted be the bad guy. I am not doing that anymore. I used to call and rage and rage and rage. I am not doing that anymore. I barely call now. I do not need to be over involved with his life. I am certainly disappointed he does not want to deal with his debt but I will not let his debt be mine. My life is no longer all about him, his illness (he is not at all interested in my asthma after all). He alternatively makes me his savior then his keeper, then his worst enemy and I am tired of those roles.
I told him this morning that he needed to call his job himself. He got dressed and went out. I will not ask where he went, who he went with and more. He has gone out ostensibly to work before then I find out he didn't go. Last week he tried to blame me for being late to work. I will be blamed needless to say if this job does not last and he has no unemployment nothing to fall back on. But he will not be falling on me this time because I am worn out of it. I wish I could just pack up and leave but I have not got the escape plan in place. Nor have I actually got the energy to go at the moment. I feel like I have been drained to the quick dealing with his what role will I give you today. I am not a puppet anymore. I am also not someone who is going to take on his life and then be blamed for it and then abandoned.
My A came home after my long weekend I wanted alone and I can honestly say I was not as happy to see him as I thought I would be, I am not unhappy he is here ... just a strange numbness. It's a new feeling. I am praying to my HP to keep me standing and to give me the strength needed to let myself and him live in peace. I am keeping the faith, even when my brain tells me a strip of duct tape would be more help to keep myself from saying things I end up regretting. I know he used over the holidays, disappointing but having my time to get grounded was more important than allowing him to use me as his keeper. I have realised I do not like being his warden, and strangely enough I even realise now that it is a position that I do not really put myself in as much as he puts me there. I am beginning to understand how addictive the need to feel like you are imprisoned so you can justify taking any action to do what he wants could be. Now my job is to figure out how to pull myself away from his game ... detach with love, so I can respect myself and not be the reason he gives himself to use. UHOH gonna be late for work ... have a great day everyone! Thanks for reading
Jennifer
My boyfriend also tries to make me into his keeper. I do that to him too. I blame him for feeling so resentful and so depleted I can barely stand up. This morning he put in his usual two cents but I did not bite. He told me yesterday he felt trapped. I did not say anything at the time (I had an asthma attack so could not talk). Then later I brought it up. He is on holiday mode and does not want to go to work. The creditors for him (thank god sometimes we are not married) call day and night, night and day. He will lose one of his cars soon because they will not let him slide anymore. But he needs his holidays.
I used to be drawn in, feel burned, get exahusted be the bad guy. I am not doing that anymore. I used to call and rage and rage and rage. I am not doing that anymore. I barely call now. I do not need to be over involved with his life. I am certainly disappointed he does not want to deal with his debt but I will not let his debt be mine. My life is no longer all about him, his illness (he is not at all interested in my asthma after all). He alternatively makes me his savior then his keeper, then his worst enemy and I am tired of those roles.
I told him this morning that he needed to call his job himself. He got dressed and went out. I will not ask where he went, who he went with and more. He has gone out ostensibly to work before then I find out he didn't go. Last week he tried to blame me for being late to work. I will be blamed needless to say if this job does not last and he has no unemployment nothing to fall back on. But he will not be falling on me this time because I am worn out of it. I wish I could just pack up and leave but I have not got the escape plan in place. Nor have I actually got the energy to go at the moment. I feel like I have been drained to the quick dealing with his what role will I give you today. I am not a puppet anymore. I am also not someone who is going to take on his life and then be blamed for it and then abandoned.
maresie.